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Juanita tries very hard to run a green beauty salon.  She recycles whenever she can and has gone total solar power with her pocket calculator.

Thelma read about having a paperless office.  Thelma thinks that would be a good idea.  Mainly because Juanita couldn’t leave little Post-It notes all over the mirror at her station saying things like, “I hope you’re damn proud of your stinkin’ Texas Board of Education.”

Juanita contends, and I have to agree with her about this, that you cannot function well in life without zip-lock baggies and post-it notes.  And, the older you get, the more you have to depend on these things.

“On Monday mornings, there are generally 5 or 6 notes on the inside of my backdoor,” Juanita admits.  “I know that’s wasteful because the whole function of post it notes is that you throw them away once you get reminded of whatever you need reminding about.  They are also helpful in remembering to tell other people things they need to know.  Hence, all the notes on Thelma’s workstation.”

Thelma and Juanita once got into a post it note fight over a Supreme Court nominee and Jack’s Office Supplies and Pet Grooming Salon ran out of them.  Now, that’s a proper fight!

A paperless Juanita would be like a scissorless Juanita.  It ain’t gonna happen.

“They are as handy a stopper on a submarine,” she says.

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Juanita apologizes for being a tad busy for the past 24 hours.  It seems that our local lame duck Democratic Party secretary reacted like a nuclear power plant on meltdown day, sharpened up her claws, painted on her fibbing face, and floored it in neutral upon word getting out that  that she’d been busted for voting in the Republican primary.

She contended that she made no secret of the fact that she voted in the GOP primary.  And that she’s just “volunteering” to help with the county Democratic convention process.

Which was exactly what we’d been hoping she’d say.  Busted again.

“You know, this ain’t my first bear hunt,” Juanita grins.  “I don’t know much, but I do know that catching a bear is easiest if you set a trap.”

“Bless her heart, she walked right into it.  She overreacted to what I wrote about her and got so worked up that she was only about half an inch from questioning my whereabouts during the Kennedy assassination. Hot damn!  I won the $20 bet that she would do it within hours.”

Under the Texas Election Code, something you’d think the party secretary might have read a time or three, she’s broken the law.  And by saying that she made no secret of voting in the GOP primary, she’s also implicated the lame duck county party chairman in this ongoing criminal enterprise.

162.014. UNLAWFUL PARTICIPATION IN PARTY AFFAIRS.  (a) person commits an offense if the person knowingly votes or attempts to vote in a primary election or participates or attempts to participate in a convention of a party after having voted in a primary election or participated in a convention of another party during the same voting year.

“You know,” Juanita smiles, “she’s only been a Republican for two weeks and she’s already learned to lie and break the law.  I envision great success for her as a Republican.  She’s found a good fit.”

“I ain’t springing the trap yet because this hunt is not over.  I’ve always wanted to hear a Republican holler ‘calf rope’ and I think my chance is coming.  Meanwhile, she’s hacked off a whole troope of really smart Democratic women.  You really do not want to do that.”0

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Juanita has got us all involved in a contest that she posted on the door to the snack room, which, of course, is the most used door in the salon since she stocked it with donuts this morning.

Texas’s own Kirk Watson is running a contest to see which state house member gets $10,000 donated by him to their campaign fund.  You can vote.  Juanita did.

Now, far be it from Juanita to tell you how to vote, but she voted for Kristi Thibaut, District 133, and if you don’t, you’re going straight to hell.  Not that she’s trying to influence you, of course.

By the way, adored customer Kathy sent the link to Juanita this morning, noting that our Democrats sure are easy on the eye.  “Especially my buddy Senfronia Thompson, who grew up right here in my hometown.  Hon, Senfronia is so pretty that she’s been hit on more times than the back wall of handball court.  However, Senfronia doesn’t have a tough fight this November so she doesn’t need the money.  Go with Kristi!”

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This has nothing to do with politics, but I just wanted to let anyone within shouting distance of Houston that the TUTS’ presentation of South Pacific is every bit as wonderful as the reviews.  I was there last night and it was magical.

Grab some tickets and someone you love, and head on over to the gorgeous Hobby Center.

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“I fully understand that Louie Gohmert’s just an empty whiskey bottle in life’s honky tonk,” Juanita admits, “but some damn fool voters gave the boy the keys to the Capitol Building.”

Speaking shortly after he riled up a crowd at Tuesday’s Tea Party protest, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) declared that “demons” – yes, demons – have invaded the capital (and likely the souls of Democrats), forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill.

“Did he say demons?”  Thelma, a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican  Women’s Club knows a thing or two about demons.  In fact, you could pretty much consider her an expert being as how she’s been to three exorcisms, a few dunkings down at The River, two tent revivals, and The Sisterhood of Renewed Perpetual Virginity Annual Luncheon meeting.  All last month.

Thelma has told us before that demons is a Republican code word for Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Michelle Obama.  “We can’t say what they really are, which is  ‘witch’ because the liberal media will tell everyone that we said a word very close to that one, you know, ‘twitch.’  Or maybe it was ‘glitch,’ I really don’t remember.  But, anyway,” she explains with great patience for those of us who are not Republican insiders, “we call them demons, which doesn’t rhyme with anything so the liberal media can’t get us.  See, demon … no rhyme.”

There are some snickers.  More than you’d expect from grown women.

Gohmert, who is about three-fourths of a half wit, didn’t stop at that.  No, siree, the boy was on a roll and was close to passing the plate and doing saving some souls.  It was obvious that Gohmert had moved from the female demons and was having visions of Hollywood proportions.

Gohmert insisted that the bill the House was set to consider would appropriate $700 million for abortions — defying the Hyde Amendment, which prohibits federal money going to such a procedure.

“I brought an abortion to show you today,” he said, hosting a copy of the health care bill in his right hand. The crowd responded with a chant of “Abort the bill!”

And then, out of nowhere, Gohmert began spreading the word that underworld spirits were lurking around the Capitol building behind him.

“Thelma, that’s just creepy.  Talk like that is just creepy,” Juanita says with more than her usual amount of exasperation at Thelma.  “I’m at the end of my tether with these crazy fellas.  It’s just health care, Thelma.  It ain’t a Jeeesuh-burnin.”

“Well, then how do you explain the demons?” Thelma asks smartly.

“Thelma, there ain’t no demons.  Louie is drunk.  He doesn’t have enough blood in his alcohol system.  Listen to me, Girl.  Louie Gohmert ain’t going to Heaven.  There’s a lot of spokes missing in his wheel and he’s acting the fool to get on the nightly news.”

“Well, I hope they get a good shot of the demons,” Thelma replied with all the sincerity a dead wrong Republican can muster, which is a powerful amount.

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Well, we thought that the mess at the Fort Bend Democratic Party Chair’s office was over with the election of Steve Brown and the defeat of Ms. Lazybones.

Not so fast.

Steve Brown does not take office until May 1st.

Crap.

For you folks from foreign states – in Texas, we do not register by party.  You are considered a member of whatever party you vote for in the primary.  You vote in either the Democratic or Republican primary and that’s the party you’re a member of for the next two years.

This has never been a problem.  Until now.  If Ms. Lazybones and her clique can screw something up, they will.  Rules are for lesser people than they.  Juanita, who is damn proud to be regular folk, ain’t all that dandy with people who think they’re hoity toity  and above the the law.  She got enough of that from Tom DeLay to last a lifetime … or two.

“Yesterday afternoon I found out that Ms. Lazybones’s long time official party secretary voted in the Republican primary two weeks ago.  Now, I know we have those awful joint primaries but that doesn’t mean that the Democratic Party officials can vote in the GOP primary.  It’s not that kind of joint,” Juanita laughs at the gall of it all.  “This is unfreekinbelieveable.  When I tell people, they say, “noooooooo.”

“Thelma, the damn Democratic party secretary voted in the Republican primary,” Juanita hollers across the room.

“Nooooooo,” Thelma hollers back, hoping she’ll finally get a raise.

“Not only did the lame duck party chairman hold a secret drawing for ballot order in the run-off with only 4 girlfriends invited to a private cozy luncheon to make these public decisions, they let the damn Republican participate,” Juanita said with questioning eyes toward heaven.  “Good Lord, nobody can be that dumb without stabbing themselves in face with a fork while eating tamales, and I did not hear an ambulance called to the restaurant.”

“It’s waaaay pass the point of where they can claim to be dumb.  We passed Bean Dip Dumb several years ago and Truly Did Fall Off The Turnip Truck happened last October.  We are swiftly approaching John Edwards Arrogance with a pit stop at Oh Dear God Take A Hormone Pill Woman Before I Smack You.”

“Good Lord, you know your political party structure is screwed up when your party officers are voting Republican,” Juanita sighs.  “Thank you God that they are leaving on May 1st.”

“Meanwhile, they are holding the precinct convention sign-in sheets hostage, won’t return phone calls, and have summarily ousted the senatorial district convention chairs and illegally replaced them their own little girlfriends.  We still haven’t had a treasurer’s report in 4 years, nobody seems to know who the precinct chairs are and they illegally added names of people who don’t exist on the ballots.”

“I know, I know, they are leaving.  However,” she says, “right now this minute would not be soon enough.”

Juanita hates it when a small group of women are damned and determined to make all women look petty, silly, mean, and filled to the brim with cornpone.

The damn Democratic Party Secretary voted in the Republican primary.

Noooooooo……