My congressvarmint is Pete Olson.  He’s as worthless as a four card flush.  He’s ugly.  He’s mean.  And he’s stupid.

I live just a couple of miles outside the district of Congressman Al Green.  I flat love him.  He is smart, kind, and lives his faith.  He is my congressman because I say so.

He got arrested last night.  It’s not the first time.

Rep. Al Green, D-Houston, was one of eight lawmakers arrested by U.S. Capitol police on Tuesday in a symbolic act of civil disobedience and a protest to House Republicans who have blocked a comprehensive immigration reform bill.

Green has been a vocal supporter of comprehensive immigration reform, which would provide a path to citizenship to 11 million undocumented immigrants in this country illegally.

I completely understand that it was a symbolic gesture.  I get that.  But, it meant something to me – that my congressman believes in a better America with compassion and goodness.

I love Al Green.

That’s all.  I just wanted you to know that.

I don’t know why we didn’t think of this.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) asserted this week that the government shutdown could actually keep the U.S. from defaulting on its debts if and when Congress refuses to raise the debt ceiling — unless President Barack Obama is plotting a conspiracy not to pay the nation’s bills.

Oh, so you avoid defaulting on debts if you keep the government shut down.  No government, no debts.

Louie, Dude, you’re a freekin’ genius.

Louie has also moved away from the whole Muslim Hitler thing and went for Al Capone.  He says of President Obama —

“But we know he is willing to spend money just to inflict hurt,” he opined. “So, it’s hard to say what people like that would be willing to do. And I think it has more to do with Chicago thuggery. You know, Al Capone was willing to make people hurt if they didn’t go along with the proposals.”

But his logic gets a tiny bit twisted as he goes on …

“There’s no such thing as a clean CR,” Gohmert remarked. “He just wants his big sack of cash. And forget the Constitution. We’re moving toward monarchy here, where we want the money, no strings attached. Well, the Constitution attaches strings.”

Not if there’s no government, Louie.  No government, no strings.

Thanks to Bananas for the heads up.

I think we’ve finally found the source of the problem in Washington, DeeCee.

Its not the well-known three branches of government … it’s the fourth branch.

Rep. Markwayne Mullin made the case for cooperation among the branches of government in the debt ceiling and shutdown fight– all four of them.

“This country isn’t ran by just one individual it’s ran by four branches, but three branches that are in control of this,” Mullin said Tuesday. “As long as those three branches control it, then we all have to figure out how to negotiate. Not all of us is going to get 100% of what we want, but we should do what’s right.”

Well, yeah, that’s the whole problem.  If we would just let the fourth branch of government – the Department of Republican Ego – run things, there would not be a problem.

The downside is that Rick Perry can’t remember three things and this fourth things is going to put big ole blank jumping places in his brain.

Yeah, Markwayne Mullin is a Republican.  And yes, he is from Oklahoma.  And yes, he is blissfully unaware of verb conjugation.  He does seem, however, particularly enamored of lapel pins.

Thanks to Sandy for the heads up.

Michele Bachman is convinced to the bone that The END Times are here.  Wanna know why?  Obama.

She believes that President Obama is helping Al-Qaeda in Syria and here’s what’s happening.

“This happened and as of today the United States is willingly, knowingly, intentionally sending arms to terrorists, now what this says to me, I’m a believer in Jesus Christ, as I look at the End Times scripture, this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times, which is your ministry, we are to understand where we are in God’s end times history,” Bachmann told Jan Markell, radio host of “Understanding the Times,” on Saturday.

I read that twice.  Girl, you are talking but you ain’t sayin’ nothing.  I even tried reading it backwards to see if there was a code in there or something.  Nope – those are words but that’s all they are.  She can’t string them together very well.

But, Honey, it gets even better.

Do you want to know what her major concern is?

“We are seeing that in our time. Yes it gives us fear in some respects because we want the retirement that our parents enjoyed. Well they will, if they know Jesus Christ.”

If the apocalypse comes, she’s worried that she won’t get her retirement.  She is not worried about fire and brimstone, no siree.  She’s not even breaking a sweat over the three horsemen and the plague and crap.  She is worried that she won’t get retirement. Yeah, that would be my big concern, too.  “Lord, do not come while there’s still a dollar in my retirement account.”

“Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice, Maranatha Come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand,” Bachmann added later.

So if Obama is bringing about something to rejoice, why the hell are you so damn mean to him?  That’s the part I don’t get.

No, that’s not true.  The part I really don’t get is how she remembers to breathe.

Thanks to Deb for the heads up.

I’m a little slow today because it’s a real pretty day for the first time in a damn long time, so haul out your pocket calculators and have some fun while I catch some rays.

This is right is Louie Gohmert’s FEC filing.  It’s what he spent his campaign contributions on.

Questions I have:

1.  How many phones does he have?  Where does he keep that many phones?

2.  How much did Louie have to pay a black man to appear with him to prove that Louie knows a black man?

3.  How many people can you feed barbeque to for $6668.37?  Do that many people live in Terrell, Texas, or were undocumented workers fed, too?

4.  New York City?  How much money did Louie spend in New Damn York City?

5.  What is a “cooler can” and why does it cost $1650.60?

6.  He has an airline ticket for $1775.80.  Where did he go?  Better yet, he has an airplane ticket for $10 and I wanna know where he went for $10 so I can avoid it.

7.  He bought a computer, camera, print and supplies at Best Buy.  Are the odds of him knowing how to use any of that better than 50/50?

8.  He had “auto repair” at $500.  How many times have you had auto repair that came out an exact number like that?  More or less than never?

9.  Why does he need two satellite radios?  Does he think he needs that in stereo?

10. Why does his staff get pizza but he dines at The Capitol Hill Club for $1,500 a month?  Do you think the staff will try to poison him when they find this out?  Do you know how to get in touch with his staff?

Thanks for all your help in this matter.  I’m outta here in flip flops and a jacket.

Place:  California Republican Convention

Time: 2000 and damn 13

Item: Swag buttons

Target:  11 year old boys and the average Republican.

Success Rate:  Missed again, Rence.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.