There was a spring election for the Hubbard Rural Fire Protection District, about 30 miles southwest of Portland, OR. It is a small district, about 7 square miles, covering some 5,000 residents. Three positions were open, only 2 candidates filed, both incumbents. They both won handily. But the low voter turnout for this off off season election meant that it came down to the write-ins for the third position. We in the PNW usually take our fire district elections very seriously. I don’t know what they are smoking out there in Marion County. But I digress. There were 20 names, five of which got 2 votes each. I’m guessing there was only one each for Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. There may even have been one for Sasquatch. Whatever could we do to solve this problem???

We roll a 12 sided die. None of the write-ins were there but they all had stand-ins. Can we have a drum roll please while someone tosses the die?

Unbelievably, the first roll had 3 of the 5 come up with 10s. So drum roll once again please.

The dice don’t lie. The new would-be Fire District Commissioner, who is not paid, but is part of a board that oversees 6 paid staff (2 seasonal) and 26 volunteers is DONALD J. TRUMP, whose surrogate rolled him a 12. See? He can still win an election!

But wait just a minute. He has to own property or live in the district. They’re working on determining if he is eligible. I needed this laugh today. Seriously.

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It’s been a while since we played Fun With Guns, but I’m kinda missing it. The rules are: (1) an idiot must be involved, (2) nobody gets killed unless it is the aforementioned idiot, (3) it has to be kinda funny and 100% embarrassing to the idiot.

I take you back to one of my favorite places in Texas, Fayette County, because I just love a lot of the people who live there and they have a pretty good newspaper.

Please meet Luis  Benitez, who has invented a helluva way to start the day.

The lesson here is:  don’t go moving the furniture around and redecorating without unloading your weapons first.

I’m impressed.  Ron DeSantis and his wife walking hand in hand on a beach.  So sweet and such a damn miracle.

Not only has he grown at least three inches so he can be taller than she is while not wearing his two inch heels. Not only can she walk on her dress while wearing it.  Not only do their shadows go in several opposing directions. But, Honey, they can walk on a beach without leaving footprints in the sand.  That is one damn miracle and if you say Jesus is carrying them I will slap you.

I think it’s a damn shame that they live in a state that has no beaches so they had to go to a studio and have their picture taken in front of a poster and then pay a 12 year old to photoshop it.

Look at his stupid feet, y’all.  That’s not how a human walks.

Who does crap like this?

So … people have an excuse to talk crazy in Texas right now because the heat is short circuiting the synapse in our thinking mechanism, which is the scientific term for blubbering insane.  But, folks in South Dakota have no such excuse. They have a high of 79 degrees today.  Screw ‘em. If you’re talking gibberish in South Dakota today it ain’t because of anything external.

For example, please meet South Dakota Republican State Representative Joe Donnell.  You can deep fry the brain of most of our Republicans and even then they wouldn’t talk this crazy.

Mt. Rushmore is a demonic portal to communism?  Dude, Ron DeSantis is going to be so disappointed.  He thought it was in Minnie Mouse’s shoes.  I swear he did.  Well, I can tell you one thing, he’s not going to South Dakota. He’s on a tether of irrationally bolted to Daytona Beach and that’s a fact.

By the way, I do not know where the woman interviewing him gets her Botox, but I’m pretty sure it’s discounted because it’s way pass the “use by” date. A couple more treatments and her lips can be an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade.  And, yes, I’ll take my milk in a saucer.

Another day, another Republican political consultant goes to prison.  The DOJ issued a press release.

The consultant is Jesse Benton, a 45 year old from The Woodlands, Texas. But, he’s not just any ole consultant.

This ain’t Jesse’s first bull riding contest with the DOJ.  He started as a consultant with Ron Paul. He married Ron Paul’s granddaughter and then left the Paul campaign to work on Mitch McConnell’s campaign, where he took a deep dive into the latrine.

You can scamper over to Wikipedia to read about the long road to payoff deals that helped Republicans and enriched himself.  In 2020, Trump gave him a pardon. But hell, money is money and Benton figured his political connections kept him safe,

Then Donald Trump lost but come to find out, Trump’s signature wasn’t dry on the pardon before Benton hit up some money to pay for the pardon.

According to court documents, Jessie R. Benton, 45, of The Woodlands, schemed with another political advisor to funnel political contributions to a 2016 presidential campaign from a Russian national seeking to meet and take a picture with the presidential candidate. Benton arranged for the Russian national – whose nationality Benton concealed from the campaign and the candidate – to attend a campaign fundraising event and to take a picture with the candidate.

It was $100,000 from a Russian national. Benton gave $25,000 to Trump, and kept $75,000 for himself.

He got 18 months in a Texas prison in Beaumont.  It’s a low security joint and he gets his own cell but it’s kinda like boot camp.  He’ll work at a desk job and there will be air conditioning. He’ll get paid anywhere from 25 cents an hour to $1.00 an hour.  He can use it at the commissary.

I’m wondering how much more illegal cash he’s got buried in his backyard.