By Primo Encarnación

What can we say about John Kasich?   He had an undistinguished career in Congress – slowly rising to become Chairman of the Budget Committee, and gutting financial protections on the way – which he tried to parlay into a 2000 Presidential bid, only to drop out before Iowa because even he found himself to be too dull.

So FAUX News gave him a TV show, which was also found to be too dull, including dull stints guest-hosting on the O’Reilly Factor and Hannity & Cardboard both of which, apparently, needed some dullening.

Then he really catapulted into the 1% of dullness, becoming a managing director at Lehman Brothers, where he and the other managing directors managed to direct Lehman into insolvency, thereby precipitating the Great Recession, while bailing out with parachutes made of gold and hungry children’s tears.

But this was all part of Kasich’s plan. In 2010, he ran for Governor of Ohio on the Dullness platform, blaming Democratic Governor Strickland for the unemployment and recession in Ohio which he himself had paved the way for in Congress and launched off the cliff with the other Lehmmings. It being 2010, the off-est year election ever — well, you know the story.

Then he won re-election last off-year claiming credit for the Obama recovery, the way a rooster with very dull plumage claims credit for the bright dawn. And now, he’s considering a run for President because he wants to bring a “blunt” message to America, which if they elect him, fine! If not, “I’ll play more golf.”

Q: What is a synonym for “blunt”?

A: Tim Pawlenty, warmed over.

By Primo Encarnación

It is a well-known fact that I am going to hell. For many, MANY reasons, too numerous, salacious, embarrassing or obvious to mention, I’ve been headed there from an early age. Once, when I was in really big trouble with my mom, my cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, convinced me that “step on a crack” was a real thing, so I stomped on every one I could find between his house and mine.   By the time I got home, I had lost count (Chicago concrete contractors – go figure!) but I was certain she’d be flopping in spine-crushed agony on the floor. Much to my chagrin (and a little to my relief) she was hale, hearty and armed with a switch.

For willfully attempting to paralyze my mother, I’m going to hell. Let’s face it, God, unlike mom, does not mess around with instant karma. He bides his time, he gives you enough rope, and when the time comes…WHAM!  You sin, you pay!  Or, not?

Enter Michele Bachmann, erstwhile Congresswoman. Her concept of God’s justice is also transactional, but in her version, God doesn’t care much about collateral damage, nor relative degrees of guilt.   The right wing nut job God doesn’t blanch at wiping out the entire world in a flood on general principle. He doesn’t scruple at killing a few children in order to wipe out Sodomites and Gomorreans. Just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, associated with the wrong people, God will mess you UP!

Case in point: global warming, droughts, floods, famine, snow, hail, cyclones, sleet, deep cold, unremitting sun and all manner of meteorological disasters are going to hit ALL of us, plus we will lose all our money all due to a single cause: Obama!

(Everyone who saw that coming, raise your hands.)

It is a well-known fact that I’m going to hell, but now that Michele Bachmann has opened my eyes to the true theology of retribution, I’m happy to know that I’m taking you all there with me.

But I still get the front seat on the express train down!

Well, the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club have their own personal state representative in Austin.

Republican Molly White – of the Ain’t-No-Muslims-Comin’-In-My-Office fame – has a new rule.

Now you cannot talk to her unless you agree with her.  Her mind is made up about everdamnthing in the world and you, yes you, are dead to her if you disagree.

The Temple Daily Telegram reported last week that White’s staff had initially greeted Frank Carlson of Equality Texas, before turning him away upon learning who he represented.

Her staff told Carlson, who works on behalf of the largest LGBT rights organization in Texas, to “drop off your literature and leave.” White’s staff informed Carlson that the lawmaker “is against anything LGBT.”

Poor child better strip herself naked then, and watch to make sure her steaks don’t come from one of those gay cowboys.

Although the LGBT community will be heavily impacted by her bills, especially allowing businesses to discriminate on religious grounds and a constitutional amendment to make one man one woman marriage immune from court rulings, she just doesn’t want to hear it.

Her mind is made up.  Don’t confuse her with facts.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Here’s your red nose ball and big shoes.

Not surprisingly, he called his major donors before he talks to us.

And if our customers aren’t having enough fun yet, Bill Kristol put the icing on the cupcake.

When asked which Republican who has not yet decided to run for president should consider a 2016 bid, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol smugly suggested that former Vice President Dick Cheney throw his hat into the ring.

Sorry, but I don’t think I have that much good karma left.

Wayne LaPierre, that NRA guy, is plenty damn upset.

No, seriously, he said that in a speech.

So that’s what minorities and women are now?  Demographically symbolic?  Is that close to being a human?  

You know what?  I wish he would just go ahead and say the N word or the B word.  You know he wants to so badly and that’s why he’s making up other words to say it.

Wayne!  Guy!  Give it a rest.  Hang it on the wall and fill it with buckshot, Honey, because you are edging into that crazy old white man symbolic.  

He can kiss my big symbolic butt.  

Okay, so Ted Cruz is doing this to raise money:

Quick!  Everybody go donate in Dick Cheney’s name.

Thanks to Bubba for the heads up.