It was just this minute announced that Chris Christie will be the keynote speaker at the GOP convention.  I wonder if they’ll bring him right onto the floor in a helicopter?

Folks are speculating that this means Christie won’t get the Veep nod.

I never thought it would be Christie.  He brings nothing to the ticket.  Romney is an arrogant jerk and Christie is a chubby arrogant jerk. However, between them, they cover almost all the seven deadly sins: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

Almost Christie

And, truthfully, do you really need a Vice President who is just one cool hat and scarf away from being a dead ringer for Henry VIII?

Rick Perry – now there’s a guy who has something to add to the ticket.  If, of course, what you’re lacking is a sack of dumb.

Brian sent us a scorecard for the Veepstakes.

Thanks to David and Brian for the heads-ups.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is stomping his little feet again.

He is demanding that President Barack Obama apologize to Rick Perry personally for something that U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said about Texas, not specifically about Governor Rick Perry.  If this sounds like a soap opera, that’s because it is.

I would like for Governor Rick Perry to apologize to me personally for something tacky the Republican Precinct Chairman in my precinct said about Thelma’s new leopard print sequin bedazzled stretch pants, but that ain’t gonna happen either.

Eric Holder said that the Voter ID bill in Texas is a poll tax.  News flash:  he ain’t the only one saying that.  Hell, Rick, I’m saying that and you ain’t getting no damn apology from me either.  If I have to pay $22 for a copy of my birth certificate in order to get an allowable ID to vote, that right there is what we call a damn poll tax.

And Rick Perry runs with scissors a little more —

[Texas lawyer John] Hughes offered a semi-defense of literacy tests after one judge said that the reason literacy tests were racist years ago was because of inequalities in the education system. The judge asked if it was Texas’ theory that there would be a problem with literacy tests today. Setting aside other laws banning literacy tests and poll taxes, Hughes said he did not believe a literacy test would violate Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act.

When the State of Texas is arguing that it can charge someone $22 and give them a literary test to vote, it is not President Obama who should be apologizing.

But it appears to be Rick Perry’s job to stand on the mountaintop and shout Glory Hallelujah when Texas does something insanely unAmerican.  And you have to hand it to him, he’s doing it very well.

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He forgot to add, “And a damn fool.”

Must have slipped his mind.

I do not enjoy calling Texas congressvarmints cheap pavement princesses.

Okay, so I do.  It’s just that I hate to continually be embarrassed by them.

Today we have a one Republican and one Democrat.  The Republican is Randy Neugebauer of Yachting Randy Fame and the other is Democrat Henry Cuellar, whose middle name is goddam around here because he’s a blue dog sellout who would give you his mother’s teeth for a little attention from the media or, apparently, $1,000.

Both Neugebauer and Cuellar have taken money from HSBC, a money laundering  operation for drug cartels and terrorists.

HSBC Holdings Plc (HSBA)’s head of group compliance, David Bagley, told a Senate hearing he will step down amid charges the bank gave terrorists, drug cartels and criminals access to the U.S. financial system by failing to guard against money laundering.

Bagley was among at least six HSBC executives who testified before the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations today after the panel released a 335-page report describing a decade of compliance failures by Europe’s biggest bank. London- based HSBC enabled drug lords to launder money in Mexico, did business with firms linked to terrorism and concealed transactions that bypassed U.S. sanctions against Iran, Senate investigators said in the report.

And here ya go —

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Do you think they’ll give it back?  Does a chicken have lips?  Does a windmill pump oil?

Upkeep on a yacht in the middle of the damn desert and kissing up to Republicans to keep them from running against you is getting expensive.  That’s why these two characters are cheap.

And the cherry on top?  Randy Neugebauer is on the House Financial Services Committee that is supposed to be overseeing this bank.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads-up.

The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club, who once tried to shut down a family owned bakery in Sugar Land because they made cakes with ta-tas on them, are back and they are outraged!  Outraged, I tell you.

And, as most of you know, outrage substitutes for foreplay in most Republican homes.

FORT WORTH, Texas — Alliance Town Center is moving ahead with a lawsuit to stop one of its businesses from selling adult items.

In more than 400 pages of legal documents, the North Fort Worth shopping center calls The Velvet Box a “sexually oriented business.” It says the business generates more than 75 percent of its revenue from sexual items.

Okay, now here’s the problem:  sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, you know?  What they see as a “sexual item” may be what you and I call “yard art” or “small kitchen appliance.”

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The Velvet Box in Fort Worth, Texas

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Good Lord, it’s just a charming and delightful melding of Victoria’s Secret with Hank’s Hardware Store.  What could be wrong with that?

And think about this.  How many visits did the Alliance Town Center have to make to The Velvet Box to count all the items, do complicated mathematics, and then re-visit the shop to check their work to come up with 75% of the items being “sexual?”  I bet that took plenty of visits.  They probably had to touch everything a couple of times and ask the sales lady to explain the function to them slowly and softly while wearing a pair of boots and a whip.

And 400 pages of legal documents?  Hell, that’s longer than any of the Shades of Grey books and probably more erotic, considering the legal papers would have detailed descriptions of what makes perfectly normal household items suddenly sexual if you just turn it upside down and carve it into something taller than it is wide.

My Walgreen’s drugstore sells condoms.  Lots of them.  Try as I might, I cannot come up with any other use for a condom other than something sexual, and I don’t want anybody here to be making suggestions.    Seriously, do not go there because bad things will happen.  If you know something non-sexual to do with a condom other than sparkin’, I have probably already thought of it and discounted it as being impractical, expensive, or a silly damn way to use a condom.

So, anyway, why aren’t they trying to shut down my Walgreen’s?

And if you want to get real technical, blonde hair bleach is a sexual item.  Look, when people say that blondes have more fun, I do not think they are talking about water skiing.  I could be wrong, though.  Water skiing is certainly fun.  Especially if you’re nakkid and having hoochy …. okay, see what the Republicans have done to me?  I would never have thought of doing that until they got me to thinking about it.

I know what the Republicans do not like about The Velvet Box.  (1)  It’s free enterprise without government interference.  (2)  Somewhere somebody is doing the wild thing, (3) better than they do.

Keep it clean, kids!

Long time customer Deb sent this —