.

Y’all, Juanita hates to be the one to tell you, but Tom DeLay is the celebrity “expert” on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? this week.  Nice timing, huh?

As if seeing Tom DeLay shake his butt on Dancing With the Stars wasn’t hard enough on America, the former House Majority Leader will continue his budding reality show career on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. DeLay will appear as the “expert” lifeline, following in the footsteps of Wolf Blitzer and Soledad O’Brien, the New York Post reports. The gig began yesterday and continues the rest of the week.

“I suspect that maybe a good part of what DeLay is doing is so that potential jurors might see that he’s not the hard-hearted guy that he presented himself as when he was majority leader, and that he has a soft and fuzzy side to him,” says a former federal prosecutor.

“Ya think?”  Juanita asks.  “Not the master manipulator!  Not Tom.  He wouldn’t do that.”

“Tom DeLay is about as soft and fuzzy as a ratttlesnake,” she warns.  “The minute this trial is over, he’ll go back to stepping on kittens and cavorting in hot tubs.  If I say a chicken can give milk, you better go fetch a pail and a stool and I say that Mr. Nice Tom is just show biz.”

.

Thelma, the Texas Chainsaw Manicurist, got this in a little bag on her front door.

It’s a campaign nail file from Bob Hebert, our county judge with three degrees, all of them as fake as a $3 wig.

Thelma ain’t pleased.

“With all the money hundreds of thousands of dollars that twit has collected from developers and vendors to the county, he could afford to give us all a certificate for a manicure instead of a stupid file,” she says as she tosses the file in the garbage.  “Just what we need – more cheapo Republicans.”

Hey, at least he didn’t hand out combs.

.

Juanita Jean Herownself is proud to announce that this week Tom DeLay is gainfully employed.

His job title?  Defendant.

When you read this story in the Austin-American Statesman, you will come to understand how Tom DeLay’s indictment was the work of a good and loving God.  Not that many coincidences can happen in the natural universe.

“Tom took down his website last week, and his charity for foster children has gone to seed, with only one family still living there.  Seven houses are sitting empty and the fancy landscaping has been mowed down.  We kept hoping he’d spiffy the place up before trial but I guess none of the potential jurors live around here so there’s no one he needs to impress.”

Juanita wanted to go to the trial, but there’s way too much to do here before November 2nd to counteract the sleazy things that Tom did.

“I know he’s going to argue that what he did in 2002 is legal now,” she says.  “Yeah, it’s legal now because he got all his buddies elected by cheating and they changed the law to benefit themselves.  It’s kinda like the guy who killed both his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he’s an orphan.”

“He’s gonna have a fun time trying to argue that he cheated to get elected so he could make cheating legal.  Honey, he has the best lawyer in the United States and he’s going to need it.”

.

Juanita wants you to see something.

“Republicans are cheapo stingy free-loaders,” she says, “and now I have proof.”

According to Juanita, Bubba and Charles slaved away putting up large political signs all over the county.  They also personally raised the money to pay for the t-posts that hold the signs up.  T-post are not cheap.  And they are not easy to tote around in the pickup truck.  It’s work.

They put a string of Democratic signs together and then move on to the next location.  Like this —

See the four signs strung together?  They are all Democrats.  This is in a Democratic neighborhood.

See the guy on the end?  Jeff McMeans?  Republican.  He’s running for judge against the Harrison Gregg guy, who is a Democrat.

“McMeans sticks his sign on the end of our signs, so he only has to use one t-post.  He’s ‘borrowing’ our t-post to hold up his sign,” Juanita stomps.

“Now this wouldn’t hack me off if McMeans was some poor dude just trying to make ends meet.  But, he’s not.  McMean’s family has more money than Oprah.  His Dad is the retiring judge in the that court and they think a political dynasty is their birthright,” Juanita says.

“Soooooo, I fixed his sign.”

“Nah, I really didn’t,” she admits.  “I am, however, going over there this afternoon with my styling scissors and cut that sucker loose.  I promise I am.”