In the category of “Who’s Will Be Done,” we have this entry for the Only in Texas Championship.

William Peterson is a Republican running against incumbent Republican for the Texas 23rd congressional district.  The Texas 23rd runs from just outside of El Paso to San Antonio to Eagle Pass, which makes it the same exact size as hell.

Peterson decided he needed a campaign committee.  So, he got himself one.  Click the little one to see the big one.

Since the FEC requires that the name of the candidate must appear in the name of the campaign committee, that can only mean one thing for Democrat Pete Gallego: he’s running not just against God, but GOD.

We kinda suspect that Peterson is gonna claim that the Will after GOD’S is, indeed, his first name, but that Vote GOD’S Peterson just didn’t sound right.

And the story just gets better.  Peterson appeared on Marfa Public Radio last week, using the name Billy Hart, which makes me think that maybe “Vote God’s Hart” might have been a better way to go, but then I’m not a professional at this stuff.

Peterson/Hart told the radio …

Hart, who is a newcomer to Marfa, has lived in Alvin, Texas, near Houston, and in San Antonio. He’s worked on political campaigns in the past (Tom DeLay and Steve Stockman), but hasn’t before been a candidate himself.

There ya go.

He’s certainly learned how to dress from Stockman.  Here’ Mr. Hart/Peterson in his campaigning clothes.

Come on, you gotta admit that Texas is a great place to be in politics.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Get a large load of this poop.

The Republican [Perry] doled out tens of thousands of dollars in bonuses for top aides in his last weeks in office, including $137,205 on a single day the month before leaving – more than he gave in the previous four years combined, and more than almost any other outgoing American governor gave in 2014, records show. The aides all left with Perry, and soon after, one joined a political group promoting his 2016 bid.

But there is plenty of poop to spread around.

Texas officials increasingly are taking advantage of loose rules to hand out big bonuses just before leaving office, or to well-paid aides who themselves are on the way out, even though the money is supposed to be used in part to retain staff, a Houston Chronicle examination has found.

State officials have spent nearly $50 million over the past decade on bonuses for departing employees and often have not justified the gifts as required by law, the review found.

Do you want to know why I quoted all that instead of just telling you?  Because you wouldn’t the hell have believed me.

He gave 16 in December 2014, his last month in office, including $12,700 for his budget director, Kate McGrath, who had gotten a $7,000 one-time gift nine months earlier; $8,900 for his legislative director, Ken Armbrister, who made a $180,000 annual salary; and $13,500 for his chief of staff, Kathy Walt, who had a $270,000 salary and later joined the political group promoting his campaign, RickPAC.

That’s MY money, you damn nincompoop.

But what snaps my velcro is that he wasn’t the only state Republican “conservative” doing it.

Overall, the state spent $355 million on bonuses between September 2005 and September 2015, including $259 million on so-called “one-time merit payments” that are subject to almost no rules and are not audited.

Damn, y’all.

Not one penny of that money went to the people who earned it at the bottom of the pay scale. It all went to people making six figures to begin with.

So, that happened today.

Speaking as hair professional, I’d just like to observe that Donald Trump now has a rival in the Worst Hairdo Covering Something Up category.

And I will be disappointed if Enrique Peña Nieto doesn’t call Donald Trump and strongly request that he keep his criminals in his own damn country.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Jeb! Bush, y’all.  He ain’t dancin’ happy this week.

In an effort to divorce his last name, Jeb’s! campaign website is Jeb2016.com

If you’re an important person you buy up all possible variations of your name.  It’s not just a good idea, it’s kinda the law.  The law of I Have a Damn Brain.

Jeb! did not register other possible names.  For example, if you go to JebBush.com, you will be redirected lickety-split to Donald Trump’s website.

But, that’s not all —

JebBushforPresident.com is a blog about a gay couple who owns the website and JebBushforPresident.net is used to oppose Bush’s record.

He ain’t the brightest light on the Christmas tree, Honey.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

I want you guys to meet Jonathan Stickland, a Republican Texas State Representative.  You’ve met him in passing here before.  He’s cocky, immature, and his net worth is that he makes Democrats snicker.

He’s a big ole family values conservative.  Well, at least he was until this morning when his Republican primary opponent released some information.

From the Quorum Report.

The Republican primary challenger to Rep. Jonathan Stickland, R-Bedford, on Monday called on the incumbent to explain the fact that he has sought advice online about how to grow marijuana at home and also looked for someone with whom to “smoke da green.”

Stickland’s campaign was quick to answer that he has indeed smoked marijuana in the past and in doing so “wasted much of life, said and did things I wish I hadn’t.”

You know, like smoked marijuana.  Or, at least admitted to it before I got caught.

Stickland acknowledges past drug use but denies ever growing it in his home; he says “by the Grace of God my past sins are forgiven”

Tell ya what, Mr. Cocky, I’ll give you a dollar to pee in a cup.

Thanks to B. C. for the heads up.

You all know about the devastating tornados that hit Texas, killing at least 8 people, maybe more.

What you don’t know is that there’s a lady named Sabrina Lowe who called upon Jesus to help.  Sabrina was in her apartment with other people and … well, I’ll let her tell it.

We actually went outside and started commanding the winds because God had given us authority over the winds – the airways. And we just began to command this storm not to hit our area. We – we spoke to the storm and said, go to unpopulated places. It did exactly what we said to do because God gave us the authority to do that.

So let me see if I have this straight.  You prayed, but screwed up on your directions so other people got killed?

And, Honey, you might try reading that Bible.  Ecclesiastes 8:8 —

As no one has power over the wind to contain it, so no one has power over the time of their death. As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who practice it.

Sweet Jesus, when you come again, please do not come to Texas.  They will beat you up with their Bibles.

Thanks to Pattie for the heads up.