“So it’s not bad enough that Alberto Gonzalez is teaching at Texas Tech,” Juanita moans this morning, “noooooooo….. we have to insure that Texas universities shame themselves even more.”

Baylor University is expected to name Ken Starr as their president.

“This is a real jerky thing to do,” Juanita explains while wearing her “I Heart The Big Dog” tee-shirt honoring Presidents Day, “because Ken Starr isn’t even a Baptist.”

“Now I know that Baptist fight among themselves more than any other religion on earth, so I suspect they couldn’t agree on a fellow Baptist to lead their largest educational institution.  So, instead, they picked a member of the Church of Crapola.”

“I have no idea what Ken Starr will do as President of Baylor, but I suspect it’ll cost millions of dollars, take 5 years, and end up with a blue dress.”

She’s probably right.

Juanita sat me down and showed me a video tape of a candidate forum that took place last week.  Juanita lives in a Democratic district with a Democrat representing her in the Texas Lege.  Well, kinda.

Several years ago, Juanita fell madly out of love with her State Rep, Dora Olivo, when Dora kept referring to people who live on the east end of the district, as “them.”  The people on the east end of the district are predominately African American.  When Juanita asked Dora who “them” are, Dora replied, “Oh, you know – them.”

No, Juanita didn’t know.  Still doesn’t.  However, she highly suspects that she knows what Dora meant when Dora said, “You know what I mean.  We have to let them be county chair so that they will go along with us.”  Uh huh.  Us.  Them.

Juanita fell out of love very quickly.

Dora was the deciding vote in the Lege to put a referendum about gay marriage on a November ballot, which insured that Republicans got to the polls to vote against it.  Dora felt it’s more important that we take a stand against gay people having rights than it is to elect Democrats.

Dora also opposes stem cell research, a woman’s right to choice, and, as you will see from the video, people asking her to speak up.  You are not allowed to question the decisions of The Dora.

Dora came to the forum armed for bear.  She was going to go after her African American opponent with both barrels loaded.  However, Dora’s underlying rudeness, personal grudges, and exaggeration of the facts came screaming through, showing for all the world to see why she has never gotten any important piece of legislation passed.  You can watch it all for yourself at Hal’s Bar and Grill.

But the comment that made Juanita’s blood run colder than a well digger’s shovel in Dalhart was this one about stem cell research.  Her opponent suggested that Dora should represent the Democratic Party.  Dora disagrees…

“You know there’s people here that in Fort Bend County, there’s a lot of church people here in Fort Bend County that believe, don’t believe in embryonic stem cell research their whole life, you know. And I’m pro-life, you know. And this has been my position all this time.”

Church people?  What church people?  I’m a church people.

“Being against the opportunity to give millions of people  an chance to live productive lives is a brand of hateful that you can’t buy off the rack.  You have to have that that kind of hateful custom fit,” Juanita says.  “But, it gets worse.  She is also denying the millions of dollars in economic development to the greater Houston area with our medical research capability.”

And to make shivers run up good Democrats spines, Dora then says she agrees with the nutty idea of the Republican proposition to require sonograms:

Next she starts running backwards faster than a bullet with legs and says she would merely require doctors to suggest a sonogram.  I think that’s worse.  “I want Dora Olive to get the hell outta my doctor’s office,” Juanita demands.

Juanita announces, “Let me assure you that there are other Catholic Democrats in Austin and they vote the Democratic Platform.  It’s time we expect the same from our Representative.”

“There is only one other elected Democratic official in Fort Bend supporting Dora.  He’s a Catholic, too.  That’s a damn shame,” Juanita shakes her head and sighs.  “I don’t like it when the Super DeLux Brand Christians try to force fundamentalism down my throat, and I don’t like it when Catholics do it either.”

And then you get to see the real Dora Olivo:

And, yes, that flash of sarcasm toward the older woman who could not hear is a constant in Dora’s dealings with people she considers beneath her.  “And that, too, is a damn shame,” Juanita concludes.

“The sad part is that while Dora sticks to her church’s teachings about my body, she doesn’t stick to her church’s teaching about her mouth,” Juanita concludes.  “She will run a dirty campaign with a last minute false hit piece  paid for by Republicans.  It might work again and that’s the tragedy of Dora Olivo.”

Juanita enjoys watching Republicans.  “I enjoy watching people so filled with outrage over every darn thing that they have to make appointments to find time to pray in public,” she begins.

She thinks she might enjoy voting the GOP primary this year because they have propositions on their ballot.  She is flat out shocked, shocked I tell you, that some Republican woman hasn’t pitched a fit about the use of the word “proposition” what with it being kinda sexual and all, and made them change it to “Things That Make Barack Obama Unhappy.”

You can see a sample GOP primary ballot by clicking here.  It’ll open in the pdf thingy.

They have 5 propositions.

The first one is that you have to have a picture ID to vote.  That wouldn’t be dripping with irony except that your two affirmative choices for your vote are YES and SI.  “I hope they don’t mean a driver’s license because I don’t look a thing like the picture on my driver’s license.  I just have to take the Texas Department of Transportation’s word on it that I looked like that,” Juanita frets.

“The second one is that all – and they do mean all – government spending is limited to a formula that it takes Chinese algebra to figure out.  It says that you can arrive at a number by adding inflation and population growth and dammit you can’t spend more than that.  Not even if there’s a war, which is kinda how we got here in the first place,” she rolls her eyes.  “Yeah, find something that doesn’t work, boys, and then just keep on doing it!”

“The third one is about cutting income tax,” she grins.  “You’re stingy.  We get it.”

“Then after all that stingy and mean in the first three, they decided to hurry up and say something about God.  I do not think God appreciates this as much as Republicans suspect,” Juanita affirms.  “They say we should have public acknowledgment of God and the ten commandments.  I swear they do this to hide being stingy and mean.  Our local Republicans have their Christmas party at a damn bank.  That’s just kinda weird to me.  It kinda shows who you’re worshiping.”

“And, finally,” she smiles, “the last one is sliding in on the God high.  They want to force women to have sonograms prior to abortions.  They want the government out of their wallet and into my womb.”

“To tell you the truth,” she says as she puts the finishing hair spray on Betty’s hair, “just knowing there are people out there who think those issues are the most important things in the world amused me to such an extent that it literally improves my spiritual net worth.”

The Beauty Salon was open last night so we could all watch the live debate for the Democratic nominee and next Governor of Texas.  Former Democratic Party Chairman and Mayor of Houston Bill White squared off against hair care industrialist Farouk Shami.

Juanita will be the first to admit hat Bill White is low key.  “In fact,” she says, “he can be downright boring.  Honey, he could really use a glitter enema.”

However, White’s calm, nerdy, and wonky approach to questions seems a refreshing relief from the high screeching decibel and scare tactic campaign of Rick Perry and Kay Bailey Hutchison.  And, nobody wore a smug, goofy grin at the Democratic debate. Nobody.  Phew, that was pleasant.

“Bless Farouk Shami’s heart.  Just bless him,” Juanita sincerely means.  “There’s nothing quite as delightful and heartwarming as an immigrant’s love of his adoptive country.  However, he was ill-prepared for the debate.  Charming, indeed.  Electable, no.”

“I will guarantee 100,000 jobs in Texas in the first two years or I will give the state $10 million.”

“So,” Juanita wonders, ” if you guarantee those jobs, do you have any idea how many people from Oklahoma and Louisiana will be parking in Texas? ”

But her favorite statement of the night was Shami’s take on E-verify:  “Without Mexicans, it would be like a day without sunshine.”

Well, who can argue with that?

Juanita was perusing the Washington Post this morning when she came across a story that made her go take a shower.  “Pat Robertson is forty miles of rough road,” she explained.

Former Liberian president Charles Taylor, testifying in his war crimes trial in The Hague on Thursday, said that his government had awarded American televangelist Pat Robertson a gold mining concession in 1999 and that Robertson later offered to lobby the Bush administration on the government’s behalf.

The good news is that Robertson never found gold there.  Robertson claims to have given clean drinking water and medical care to 200 Liberians – prior, of course, to working them to death in his quest for worldly riches.

“I suspect that somewhere Robertson has mining concessions for frankincense and myrrh,” Juanita says, “Lord knows that son of a motherless goat is gonna need it.”

…. how she finally got through college.

Closer inspection of a photo of Sarah Palin, during a speech in which she mocked President Obama for his use of a teleprompter, reveals several notes written on her left hand. The words “Energy”, “Tax” and “Lift American Spirits” are clearly visible.

“Don’t you just love the scratch-out?  And the armband with her name on it so she won’t forget that either.