Senator Richard Shelby (Republican Twit, Aladamnbama) is holding up all of President Barack Obama’s nominations until he gets these fiscally conservative, caring about the deficit, absolutely not pork earmarks —

– A $40 billion contract to build air-to-air refueling tankers. From CongressDaily: “Northrop/EADS team would build the planes in Mobile, Ala., but has threatened to pull out of the competition unless the Air Force makes changes to a draft request for proposals.”

– An improvised explosive device testing lab for the FBI. From CongressDaily: “[Shelby] is frustrated that the Obama administration won’t build” the center, which Shelby earmarked $45 million for in 2008. The center is due to be based “at the Army’s Redstone Arsenal.”

Sarcasm, just another of the free friendly customer services offered at Juanita’s.

(Thanks to Deb for the heads-up.)

Dora, for all that is holy, quit doing this kind of stuff.  It’s illegal.  A t-post cost $3.00.  There are at least 20 of your signs in low income neighborhoods illegally attached to telephone polls. Right next to this sign was your opponent’s sign, complete with two t-posts.

Good Lord, Dora, HILLCO PAC gave you $1,500.  If you’re going to take dirty money, buy some damn t-post with it.

You took $100 from Texas Alliance for Life PAC. Buy some t-posts.

You took $500 from the creepy Texas Consumer Finance Association PAC.  Maybe they should have loaned you t-posts instead. You took $1,000 from Friends of Time Warner.  Could you get movies of t-posts?

I notice that during the last election season, you paid $426 to the Texas Highway Department to reclaim your illegal signs they confiscated.  Wouldn’t it be cheaper to Buy. Some. Damn. T-Posts?

Thank you, Jack Ohman —

Most of you know Buck Pochek.  Buck has been hanging around the beauty salon this week hoping to get a date for the VFW Valentine’s Dance.  That’s not an easy task because last year he got drunk and spent most of the evening passed out on the table, looking for all the world like a centerpiece with his white sports coat and pink carnation.   Somebody struck a tulip in his mouth and called him “an arrangement.”

His date, the unpetite Lillie Frontage, stole his truck keys, his wallet, and – just for good measure – his boots.  Lillie still tells people that there wasn’t enough money in Buck’s wallet to pay for the humiliation.  But, then again, no man has enough money to pay for the humiliation – just ask Jenny Sanford or Elizabeth Edwards.

So, while hound doggin’ for a date, Buck struck up a conversation with one of Thelma’s new customers, trying to convince her that the Republican threat to filibuster the job’s bill was his idea.  “Yep,” he said, “when the government starts telling a man he has to have a job, that’s where I get off this train to socialism,” Buck announced.

“Buck, the jobs bill doesn’t mandate work,” Juanita told him.  “Cripes, Buck, you’re upwind from the IQ shop again.”

“Besides,” she grins, “Senate Republicans can threaten to filibuster all they want.  They can’t do it.  They can’t.  All of them are too old to go half an hour without a bathroom break.  So, let them threaten all they want to.  It’ll be the first time that C-Span has had to broadcast from a urinal.”

Well, Punxsutawney Phil poked his head up and promptly upchucked, so that means 6 more weeks of campaigning.

“Six more weeks of Kay clawing and Rick twitching at each other,” Thelma sighs heavily.  “I dunno know if we’ll survive this in my blessed Republican Party.  It’s just got us all divided up.  I mean, I don’t want to pick between Sarah Palin or Dick Cheney when it comes to ruling Texas.  That’s a hard choice.  Last night at the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club meeting, we officially suspended having to act like Christians for the next six weeks so that our members can campaign properly.”

Thelma pauses while everybody in the shop stands stunned at that reasoning.

“We did,” she assures us.  “And there’s some things that need to be said about our local candidates that just putting them on the prayer list doesn’t quite cover.”

Oh, we can’t wait for this.  It’s gonna be good.

Thelma did ask Juanita which Republican she wanted to see win in the Governor’s race, trying to get a feel for who Democrats think would be the easiest to beat.

“Thelma, Baby, there ain’t gonna be enough left of any of the three of them to fret about,” Juanita assured her.

Juanita watched the President’s State of the Union speech last night.  You know, the one George Bush couldn’t remember the name of.  Gosh, it’s nice to have someone who speaks English in the White House.

Anyway, she was perfectly dead solid proud of the President for calling out the five members of the Supreme Court for giving our country away to corporations, and foreign ones at that.

So, all over the electric computer machine this morning, they are showing Bobble Head Alito shaking his head.  Juanita says he was shaking the dumb out, but I kinda doubt that.  He also was mumbling something.  We will give extra points to whoever can figure out what he was mumbling —-

And don’t even get me started on goofy Mitch McConnell sitting there giggling like a Kentucky polecat while this country is facing serious problems.  Has he been drug tested lately?  I’m serous, don’t get me started.  And sure don’t get Juanita started because Mitch McConnell makes her skin crawl right out the backdoor.

So, if you know what Alito was mumbling, let us know!