Republican men never cease to amaze Juanita.

“Honey, those are some nasty children,” she says.  “And that doesn’t even include the boys running for DA here.”

Juanita’s customer Deb brought Juanita some news this morning from the Bible Belt Capital – Georgia.  It seems that a Super DeLux Brand Christian member of the Georgia House got caught rubbing bellies with a lobbyist.  So he resigned.

Not being folks who learn from their mistakes, those same voters elected another Super DeLux Brand Christian to replace him.

Meet newly minted Rep. Daniel Stout.

His campaign Web site touts his conservative, pro-family bona fides. “I believe Paulding County wants someone who will stand strong for the conservative principles we’ve always believed in … lower taxes, limited government, personal responsibility, and valuing Life from the womb until natural death,” he says.

But, as the writer Tom Crawford of Capitol Impact noted this week, Stout “has been compelled to address a personal incident from 10 years ago: he had an affair with his first wife’s mother while his first wife was pregnant with their daughter. Stout and his first wife subsequently divorced.”

“Well,  I thought that kind of stuff only happened in Alabama,”  Juanita says.

“I found something on his website that made me kinda laugh in that very nervous kind of way,” she tell us.

My goal in life is to serve and glorify The Creator by reflecting the love and grace He has shown to me through Christ.

“How come the more perverted a man is, the more he hides in church pews behind his family?  It seems like we’d learn that when a Republican man does that, he’s misbehaving somewhere with someone, probably his mother-in-law.”

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Thanks to Don Wright

Juanita printed out the following story from a website that does local press releases and then lets five people, with six different identities each, comment about them all the damn day long.

It’s a pretty worthless website that she only checks once a week, but it did have one good press release today —

Two 17-year-old Fresno women were arrested yesterday and one 18-year-old Fresno woman was cited after Missouri City police were called around 6:10 p.m. to the Wal-Mart in the 5500 block of Hwy. 6.

The store employee confronted the women, detained them and called police.

According to the stolen property list, the 18-year-old stole body lotion and Degree deodorant, valued at $6.81. She was issued a citation for theft.

The first 17-year-old was found with Nair hair remover, Dove body wash, two packages of Monistat and a pregnancy test, with a total value of $84.75. She was arrested for Class B misdemeanor theft and taken to the Fort Bend County Jail.

The second 17-year-old was listed as having stolen three gel push-up sets for bras, three bras, a skirt, two packages of Nair hair remover, Degree deodorant, and a pregnancy test, all totaling $99.65. She was arrested for Class B misdemeanor theft and taken to the Fort Bend County Jail.

Two packages of Monistat and a pregnancy test?  A push up bra and Nair hair remover?  Got a date this weekend?

In all honesty, I really don’t think I wanted to know about that.

Hey, at least you know I live in a real classy place.

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It must be Juanita’s lucky day.

Kesha Rogers, the Lyndon LaRoucher running for CD22 in Texas, put one of her charming yardsigns on Juanita’s property.  Juanita suspects that’s because there were other Dempcratic signs there.

“It’s my property,” Juanita explains, “so I figured it was a gift.  I brought it inside to enjoy.  It’s not all that often that someone leaves a gift on my property.”

“I’ve been pondering all morning what to use it for.  I mean, it’s nice and heavy and probably cost her a couple of dollars,” she says.  “Then Buck walked in about an hour ago and needed something to clean his fish on.  Did I have a deal for him or what!”

Juanita still contended that Kesha is just one Nike tennis shoe away from an honest to goodness spaceship cult.

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One of the great things about a small town beauty salon is that customers feel free to drop by and bring you gossip, breaking news, cookies, and jokes.

Our friend Richard did that just yesterday when he brought us a wonderful and amazing website for a guy running for Congress in Alpine, Texas.

“I love Brewster County, the biggest county in Texas, because it contains the Davis Mountains on the top, Big Bend National Park on the bottom, and miles and miles of perfectly delightful and proudly crazy folks in between,” Juanita smiles.

There’s a doctor, no seriously, a certified medical doctor, who is running for Congress in a courageous attempt to make Dr. Ron Paul look sane.

The Texas 23rd Congressional District is one of the largest districts in America and is now held by Democrat Ciro Rodriguez.  Ciro is a pretty good guy and a darn good chili chef.  That’s hard to beat anywhere in Texas.

Thankfully, his opponent blasts the top off the What-The-Hell-Is-He-Talking-About Meter.

It’s Wackorama over here.  I need to warn you to turn down the sound before you click the button.  Used car salesmen and crazy politicians use the same volume knob.

Please don’t miss the one where he puts underwear on his head.   If you miss that, you will never truly understand Texas politics.

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“I know I’m gonna hack off the libruls,” Juanita starts this morning as she puts on the coffee pot and adjusts the ankle strap on her pink pumps. “They’re gonna get all over me like green on grass about this.  And the librul bloggers are gonna be pounding the keyboards saying I’ve lost what little mind I ever had.”

They might be right, but I doubt it.

“I’m supporting Kinky Freidman for Agriculture Commissioner of the Great State of Texas and I don’t give a big bear’s butt who knows it,” she announces and then immediately ducks.

“I like Hank Gilbert.  I do.  But, I do not want to sit around for the next 8 months waiting for the next femur bone to drop out of his closet.  It’s probably a good thing he spent campaign funds on clothing because that might trap the skeltons,” she figures, adjusting that dang ankle strap again.

Verdelia interrupts, “Poor Ole Hank has more baggage than the train station.  On Saturday.  During National Suitcase week.  With all the lockers taken.  With the totebaganator running.  At a Samsonite convention. ….” Verdelia could go on forever with these things if you let her.

“Look,” Juanita interrupts, “I know that Kinky Friedman ain’t much to be proud of.  Heck, you couldn’t clean him up with steel wool.  However, I do agree with Jim Hightower that Kinky brings about 7 turnout percentage points to the table that Hank can’t touch – even with a cattle prod.”

“And, let us be semi-honest with ourselves here.  Bill White may be the best Governor that Texas would ever have.  I mean, he’d rank right up there with Sam Damn Houston.  I love Bill White.  But you and I both know that he needs a glitter enema.  I am not saying that there’s anything wrong with boring government.  I could use me a heavy dose of boring government after listening to Sarah Palin and Rick Perry gussy up facts and figures like streamers on a Maypole,” Juanita nods and looks over the top of her rhinestone glasses at Thelma, who loves, loves, just really loves Sarah Palin.

“Boring government would not be a horrible thing.  But, boring campaigns do not get voters to the polls.”

“You can say a whole lot of things about Kinky Friedman, but boring ain’t one of them,” Juanita rolls her eyes.

“I know you can find me a truck load of perfectly degrading things that Kinky has said about women or minorities or red heads or Mexicans or post hole diggers.  Hell, he’s offended everybody,” she admits.  “He’s a comic.  That’s what he does.”

“I am taking that into consideration.  But I’m  like Ann Richards was about The Liberal from Lufkin – Charlie Wilson.  Ann said, ‘Yeah, I know he’s a pig, but he votes right.’  There’s a whole lot you can put up with from a man with weaknesses as long as he votes right and fesses up to his weaknesses,” Juanita speaks from experience.

“And look at it this way,” she suggests, “If Kinky gets caught in bed with a woman, people would probably applaud.  Heck, even if he gets caught in bed with a horse, he’d claim he was just doing his part for Texas agriculture.  I’d certainly be proud.”

“And when you get to the bottom of this well, the truth is that Kinky has the advice of the best damn ag commissioner this state has ever seen in Jim Hightower.  I imagine Jim has Kinky’s ear, and if he doesn’t, he’ll have his butt.”

“And,” she adds with a grin, “if Jim needs a branding iron or a lasso, he can borrow mine.”

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