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UPDATE:  Click here to see some of these great signs that Democrats have come up with.

I don’t think Juanita is overstating her case when she says that Texas Governor Rick Perry is not a fountain of bright ideas.

“We call him Catfish Perry – all mouth and no brains,” she shakes her curls and grins.

“But, it appears that he’s come up with a sparkling plan for us – The Libruls.  Here, I’ll let him tell you,” she says as she points everyone to the morning paper.

AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Rick Perry is telling tea party organizers across the state to watch their backs for liberals who wish to do them harm.

In an invitation-only conference call with tea party organizers in Texas, Perry urged those participating in Thursday’s tax day rallies to “continue looking over your shoulder … for people trying to make the tea party into something that it’s not.”

Perry, participating in the call to thank tea party organizers, was following up on warnings from activist Michael Quinn Sullivan that “some liberals are going to try to infiltrate tea parties with racist signs.”

Perry said “you can bet that every dirty trick is going to get played on tea parties, trying to marginalize them, trying to make them into something that they’re not.”

“There is one thing you can say about The Libruls.  We know when we’re beat.  In the contest for racist and/or misspelled signs, we concede.  Governor perry and his friends win.  We wouldn’t even try to compete on their level.  We’re just amateurs.”

“And, Governor, I can assure you that I cannot complete with a full grown woman who would go out in public wearing tea bags for earrings, as they do in Sugar Land.  The Libruls hand you that victory all on your own, Babe.”

A local liar for hire, who rents himself out as “political consultant” for both sides of the aisle, has probably won some kind of award for gosh-awful political advice.

First off, have you noticed that anybody with a video camera and a computer is now a “political consultant?”

“Damnest thing I’ve ever seen,” Juanita says.  “I think political consultants are kinda like scurvy except not the good part of scurvy.  But, that’s a whole ‘nother story for a day when I’m doing a piggyback perm and have lots of time to talk.”

For now, we will share this amazing political ad.  The point of the ad was to approach black voters who did not vote in the Democratic primary and try to get them to vote in the GOP primary run-off.  “It’s legal, but it ain’t gonna happen,” Juanita knows.

“First off, if you’re approaching black voters, do not use YouTube.  Skate boarders use YouTube.  Black folks, not so much,” Juanita gently explains to overly white people.

“Second off, if you’re appealing to Democratic black voters, do not use two stinking rich old white Republican guys – neither of who seem capable of looking anybody straight in the eye — whining that they are being treated unfairly and that you – a Democrat of color — need to help them by voting Republican.  You also probably shouldn’t ask them to donate to your Poor Rich White Dude With Only Two Sets of Golf Clubs Fund.    I never thought I’d have to explain this to anybody, but apparently there is an IQ shortage in the political consultant field,” Juanita says.

Needless to say, the touted candidate lost.

The consultant who took money for this tomfoolery?  Scott E. Berrett.  It’s robbery without a gun.

“Buck Pocheck says that he’s hiring a political consultant because he likes to get whipped,” Juanita says with a roll of her eyes.

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Well, the election results in the hotly contested Republican primary are in.  Considering that our electronic voting machines busted and the polls were ordered to stay open an hour later, things went about normal.

The incumbent DA, John Healey (see Republican white sheet below), won with 52% of the vote.  His opponent was proudly endorsed by Sheriff Milton Wright, which cost her between 500 – 700 votes, easy.  The dude’s endorsement is the kiss of death.

“Honey, you’d be better situated hacking off Superman than pleasing Milton Wright.  I mean, both are going to get you in a whole mess of trouble, but at least Superman has a red cape and all,” Juanita explains.

Rumor has it that the Democrats have designed a yard sign for November that says  —

Vote for Democrat Joe Blow
Milton Wright Endorsed The Other Guy.

It looks like a winner to me.

The only other interesting race was on the Democratic side, for precinct chair of precinct 3113.  A.R. Khan ran against Diana Wheeler and won 25 to 1.  Secret ballot?  Not so much.

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You know it’s tough out there when the Republicans have to use their white sheets for another purpose.

Yep, gotta get that paint out before the next meetin’.

You can see this at the courthouse today.  And maybe tomorrow.

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Those who have been around here for a while know that Juanita hates, hates, hates the electronic voting machines that we use in Fort Bend County.

“First, they require that you trust machines, which anybody who’s lost a quarter in a coke machine ought not to,” she starts.  “Then you have to trust a computer, which I don’t because those things up and die on you with no warning.  And when they die, they take everything with them.”

“And, finally,” she continues, “you have to trust the geeky people who program the machine.  Come on now, do you really trust that kid in third grade who ate paste and could do long division in his head?  I didn’t and I still don’t.”

And, as if to prove her point for her, the wildly expensive electronic voting machines we got suckered into buying several years ago when the federal government under George Bush was giving away money fast as he could failed today during the runoff.

“It’s taking much longer than natural to vote today because each voter is required to stand there, presumably eating paste, while the election officials call the voter office to confirm which primary this voter can vote in.  Were it not for the good work of AT&T, we would have 150 tin cans and string to confirm that you’re a voter,” she figures.

“It’s not just gosh-awful today because it’s just a primary run off, where only mothers of the candidates vote anyway, but if this were to happen on election day, it would be tar and feather time.  People do not want to stand there and wait while their personal information is being transferred over telephone lines to give them the okay to vote,” Juanita suspects.

“If this were to happen in November, which I have a feeling this might all be a dress rehearsal for in case Obama gets a big surge and local Republican start seeing their hold on the government teat disappearing, I am not going to be happy.”

If Juanita ain’t happy, nobody in ear shot or driving distance is gonna be happy.

“I want a paper ballot.  I do not like little twirly knobs and switches that cannot even be re-counted.  I want a damn paper ballot, proving that I voted.  Nobody would be standing around waiting today if we had paper ballots.  If we ran out of pencils, we could go buy some more.  This ain’t philosophy or physics.  This is simple.”

So if you’re standing around today waiting to vote and the telephone lines go down and we have to call the pony express to verify you being a voter, please know that Juanita is on your side.