.

“I told you so, I did,” Juanita grins.  “Rand Paul is more fun than recess in heaven.”

“He made a complete fool of himself on Rachel Maddow’s show last night.  Rachel just let him ramble on and on and the more he talked, the more you expected him to start drooling  just any minute,” she reports.

“Now, I know that Rachel Maddow is tough.  She is so tough that when carpenters buy a box of nails, they say ‘hand me some those Rachels.’  But she’s also much kinder than I am.  She does sometimes suffer fools gladly.”

“Last night, Rand Paul tried to argue that he wouldn’t have supported all the Civil Rights Act because government shouldn’t nosey around in private enterprise.  And that, my friend, is why you can never let ideologues govern.”

“I wonder if he thinks that private restaurants should have to follow health and safety standards or child labor laws?  Seems like the same deal to me.”

You know how many Libertarians it takes to change a lightbulb?

None.  The darkness will cause the lightbulb to change itself.

“And maybe that’s why the Looneytarians are all in the dark,” Juanita suspects.

.

My other friend Bob ( I have three Bob friends, an Uncle Bob, and a couple of Jim Bobs.  So, I have Bob, my other friend Bob, and old Bob.  I ain’t saying which one is old Bob because all three of them are still up for a butt whippin’.) sent me a website that he says is The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club on Crack.

Now, I dunno if they are on crack, but they are on something other than the love of Sweet Jeeeesus.

Before you open this website, you need to be warned.  If you’re a person prone to seizures, it’ll give you one.  If you’re not a person prone to seizures, it’ll make you one.  The website has scroll bars within scroll bars within pdf’s within waaaay too much crapola, and then a smurf threw up on it just out of meanness.

It’s called The Texas TEA Party Republican Women.

They say right upfront   —-

We INVITE you to JOIN our conservative, God-honoring
Republican club seeking to restore the values of the founders of our country
through our elected leaders.

Psssttttt.. over here, ladies.  Did you know that our founding fathers didn’t think you should be allowed to vote?  Uh, well, I agree with that because I clicked some of your links and found myself wandering around in muck deep enough to bury any pretense you ever had at kindness and love.  Check this for example, where a white fella swears that black fellas discriminated against him in the 1970’s when he tried to play baseball  in the Negro League to fulfill his dream of the majors and that’s news, dammit.

But, most importantly, you will see the names of some fairly famous Republicans supporting these crazed women in their goal of out-country-clubbing-you.

So, bookmark this sucker to hang around the neck of Ted Poe, Dan Patrick, and Mike McCaul.

“I know the TEA Party claims that they are not Republicans,” Juanita remarked after seeing this, “but this sure shows that Republicans are TEA Partiers.”

“And, somebody, please, be kind and these these chicks some estrogen or some cajones.  One or the other.  I just hate to see a woman without either one.”

.

UPDATED at the bottom —

Juanita was pretty much pleased with the election results last night.  We know that because she didn’t start throwing hairbrushes before her first cup of coffee this morning.  Even if Thelma did make the coffee and Thelma’s coffee has the same density and flavor of sludge.

“The progressives did well,” she grins.  “I was glad to see Blanche Lincoln get her rump roasted in Arkansas and a bright new face in Pennsylvania.”

“But even better than that was seeing the Republicans go the road less traveled — Crazyville.  Let’s talk about Rand Paul in Kentucky for a minute,” she says.

When Juanita says she wants to talk about something, Thelma sighs heavily because that means Juanita is gonna make fun of the Republicans.  Thelma is a provisional Republican.  There’s some kind of secret initiation to the GOP and we think Thelma has to violate at least three more commandments while talking about lovin’ Jeeesus before they give her a membership card.

“Ron Paul is one of the three congressvarmints in this county,” Juanita begins, “so we know him well.  First off, anyone with the emotional retardation to actually name their child after Ayn Rand is scary.  All the rest of us got over Ayn Rand by our senior year in high school.”

“And then to cuss that child with the load of joining the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – war, pestilence, death, famine, libertarianism – is just mean.”

“So, poor Rand Paul didn’t stand much of a chance going in,” she admits.

“But, to stand in public and admit that you’re a hateful, greedy, prissy goat takes more gall than most folks can muster.  Except, of course, for those afflicted with a social disease – libertarianism.”

“Libertarians now call themselves the TEA Party because their followers can’t spell Freedom, much less libertarian,” she reports, “but they are looneytarians all the same.”

“I cannot tell you how much fun we’re gonna have with Rand Paul between now and November.  Well, I guess I could, but then we’d have to keep score and that’s a whole lot of trouble.  So, spend today celebrating the gift the GOP has given us and then start getting those Rand Paul jokes ready.”

UPDATE:

Okay, see, if Juanita  says it’s Christmas, you better go buy some little twinkling lights because she’s all that and a sack of okra.

This morning, Rand Paul said that country clubs are not all that exclusive because now there’s a black golfer.

ROBIN: Some people find it a bit ironic that your victory party last night was at a private country club in Kentucky. Doesn’t that kind of send a mixed message there?

PAUL: I think at one time people used to think of golf and golf courses and golf clubs as being exclusive. But I think in recent years now you see a lot of people playing golf. I think Tiger Woods has helped to broaden that in the sense that he’s brought golf to a lot of the cities and to city youth, and so no, I don’t think it’s nearly as exclusive as people once considered it to be.

“Yeah, you can count on black folks to bring something down to the common people,” Juanita grins.

“I’ll give Rand Paul a dollar for every African American he’s played golf with at his country club,” Juanita promises, “and two dollars for every woman he’s played with.”

Juanita thinks she won’t have to open her wallet.

“This guy is gonna be such fun!”

.

Juanita’s friend Carl just called the Beauty Salon and roared into the phone.  It seems that Family Values Republican Congressman Mark Souder was just on the teevee machine admitting to his affair with a female staffer.

That’s almost a relief in Republican circles – at least it was a woman, not a farm animal.  And, best we know, there were no battery operated machinery harmed in the making of this affair.  Best we know.

Mark Souder, a Republican congressman from Indiana, has announced that he will resign his seat over an affair with a female aide.

Souder is a former House staffer who was elected to Congress on a “family values” platform in the Republican takeover of 1994. He won a tough contested primary challenge last week, 48 percent to 33 percent.

But, that’s wasn’t what Carl was hollering about.

“Juanita,” hollered Carl (Did I mention that Carl was hollering.  Real Loud?), “Souder just said that he needs to resign to get back in step with his Lord.  His Lord.  Can you even imagine?  Blaming his Lord for this.  No, no, n-o, no.  It is not Jesus’ fault when you do the nakkid with your staff.”

Juanita agrees.  It’s bad enough to haul your family into this when you screw up (or down, as the case may be), but to do the Lord thing is just distasteful.  “Didn’t these people learn anything from all the fun we had with Jimmy Swaggart?  I even think the Angel Michael laughed at Swaggart,” Juanita bets.

“Let me start by saying this,” Juanita begins, “Mark Souder is so slick that he could hold his own in a pond of eels.”

And listen to this —

“I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff,” he said. “In the poisonous environment of Washington, D.C, any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain.

“I am resigning rather than to put my family through that painful, drawn-out process,” he added.

“Oh no, he’s not resigning because he’s a hypocritical untrustworthy son of a motherless goat.  Nope, he’s has to resign because of his family,” Juanita says.

“And I wanna know who exactly made Washington Dee Cee a poisonous environment?  I’ll tell you who – idiots like Mark Souter and his ‘family values’ crowd of hateful, judgmental people.

“Walking with The Lord, my patootie!  I hope The Lord whacks him upside the head a time or two. Or five.”

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A lot of folks are showing up at the Beauty Salon this morning wanting to know about State Board of Education member Cynthia Dunbar and if whatever it is she has is in any way contagious.  They also want to know where she found such a self-righteous high horse to ride.

The lovely Ms. Dunbar, armed with a degree from Pat Robert’s University and a charter membership to the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club, lives just down the street from the Beauty Salon in upscale downtown Richmond, Texas.

Ms. Dunbar, who wildly and insanely claims to be pro-family, divorced her husband Glen two years ago in  a hotly ugly court proceeding.  And, although he is still registered to vote at her house, they most certainly do not live together any longer.

The circumstances of their divorce is why Ms. Dunbar is such a  bitter woman.  I said that I would not reveal the intimate details if she did not run for the Board of Education again.  She is not running for re-election.  So, I will keep my end of the bargain.

However, it would help if she would keep from making an international fool of herself and the entire State of Texas.

Cynthia Dunbar does not have a high regard for her local schools. She has called them unconstitutional, tyrannical and tools of perversion. The conservative Texas lawyer has even likened sending children to her state’s schools to “throwing them in to the enemy’s flames”. Her hostility runs so deep that she educated her own offspring at home and at private Christian establishments.

“Cynthia, babe, you have not earned the right to judge other people,” Juanita warns. “You have not.  You know that.  Everybody in town knows that.  Now, be a nice girl and everybody in England won’t have to know it.”

You gotta love Aladamnbama.  You just gotta.

Dale Peterson is running for Ag Commissioner in Alabama and he’s got a horse and a gun.  Which wouldn’t bother me a whole lot ‘cept he’s talking about “taking no prisoners” and I think he means it in the literal sense.

“I like it when he says that illegals are being ‘bust in by the thousands.’  Honey, the last time I went to Alabama, people were trying to bust out,” Juanita grins.

Alabama:  pines, poverty, and Pentecostals.  Now you can add Peterson.