Texas Governor Rick Perry is just a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

At least that’s what Juanita Jean thinks.

Today we learn the sad news that Rick’s rented Gov Shack is costing the taxpayers $10,000 a month in rent alone.  It has 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms.

“Of course it has 7 bathrooms,” Juanita says with some degree of shock that people wouldn’t already know that.  “It has to have 7 bathrooms because Rick Perry is full of poop.”

“And 5 bedrooms are needed because he’s in bed with so many lobbyists.  Gee wiz, people, give the man a break.  If he didn’t use the money saving technique of making lobbyists share bedrooms, he’d have to live in a dorm.”

But, that’s not all –

His 6,386-square-foot rental sits on more than three acres and was advertised in 2007 for sale at $1.85 million. Perry’s state-paid expenses at the home include $18,000 for “consumables” such as household supplies and cleaning products, $1,001.46 in window coverings from upscale retailer Neiman Marcus, a $1,000 “emergency repair” of the governor’s filtered ice machine, a $700 clothes rack, and a little over $70 for a two year subscription to Food & Wine Magazine.

“Y’all, I can agree that maybe, just maybe, Food and Wine Magazine might be a little tiny bit of an unnecessary taxpayer expense, but an ice machine is not a luxury in this Texas heat.  It is not.  I know how upset I get when someone doesn’t refill the ice cube trays so I can see how the Gov would need to hire people to come over and fill the trays and run them up to Alaska so they’ll freeze super quick and then fly them back to Texas, hoping they don’t melt in Arizona  ….. wait, it’s a machine doing it?  never mind.”

By the way, you can buy a whole brand new ice machine that makes and stores a half a ton of ice for $730.  If you need more ice than that, you’re drinking too much.

“So, there stands Governor Rick Perry, grinning from his butt to his eyebrows, living like he won the lottery.  I have one thing to say about the Gov’s new digs,” Juanita concludes, “if he can’t afford it, we can’t afford it.”

.

“And all this time we thought Texas had the distributorship monopoly on fruitcakes,” Juanita starts this afternoon after lunch.  She had spent lunch time at the computer with jelly donuts and Diet Coke – the lunch of champions.

“It seems that the Maine GOP held their convention and borrowed some classrooms for their committees to meet.  Big ole mistake.  Giant goof.”

“You cannot allow Republicans to be unsupervised,” she warns.  “Do not leave them in a classroom unless you have someone to take names,” Juanita warns.

Thelma was once a substitute teacher until she sat on a middle school football player and sent a kid to fetch the principal  to come punish him for saying, “Yo Momma’s so fat that when she wears a red dress all the kids yell, “Hey, Kool Aid!”, which was sort of ironic because Thelma’s so fat that when she wear high heels, she sometimes strikes oil.  But, anyway, Thelma retired from substituting after that, with mutual agreement from the school board.  “Republicans are worse than teenagers.  By far,” she estimates.

These Republicans, according to Juanita’s computer, did even worse than a few  Yo Momma’s.

One School Committee member, saying she’s “appalled” by the behavior of some of the Republicans who used a room at King Middle School last weekend, wants to protect the city’s public schools from future harm.

The Republican State Convention was held at the Portland Exposition Building, which is on Park Avenue, near the middle school. Party members from Knox County caucused in a classroom used by eighth-grade social studies teacher Paul Clifford.

When Clifford returned to school on Monday, he found that a favorite poster about the U.S. labor movement had been taken and replaced with a bumper sticker that read, “Working People Vote Republican.”

Later, Clifford learned that his classroom had been searched. Republicans who had attended the convention called Principal Mike McCarthy to complain about “anti-American” things they saw there, including a closed box containing copies of the U.S. Constitution that were published by the American Civil Liberties Union.

“So, the Republican Party apologized, which is kinda like your parents coming to the school to try to talk them out of expelling you because Lord knows your parents don’t want you hanging around the house all day,” Juanita surmises.

And she adds, “I do find it more than a tad amusing that they replace a whole poster with a bumper sticker.  Bumper stickers are the only written word that Republicans can understand.  Or remember.”

Verdelia also has an opinion on this subject.

“Your know how the Republicans claim to be all aglow about the founding fathers?  I wonder what the founding fathers would think about unreasonable search and seizure,” Verdelia asks. “Oh hell, I know what they’d think.  They’d think Republicans are flat supersized bad nuts.  That’s what they’d think.”

.

Juanita is a tad astounded that newt Gingrich is still yakking.

“Isn’t there some kind of law that he has to shuddup?” she wonders.  “Why in the name of Sweet Syrup on a Bun does his opinion count for anything?”

Juanita heard that newt was back on Fox News acting the fool over a woman again….

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called on President Obama to withdraw the nomination of Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court, calling her views anti-military and airing, for one of the first times, concerns that during her time as Dean, Harvard Law accepted money from Saudi Arabia.

“Babe, it ain’t like the Saudis handed her a big check like when you win the US Open,” Juanita says.  “Harvard takes the money.  She probably didn’t even know it and certainly didn’t solicit it.”

“But, most importantly, who cares what Newt thinks?  Probably one fat old white guy sitting in front of the tv with Dortios and a beer, hollering at his third wife for a refill.  That’s who.”

“Look, Newt, we tried your Contract With America.  It stunk.  Get over yourself.”

“And, shuddup.  You’re getting on my nerves again.”

.

“I’m not saying that our county commissioners are too dumb to be allowed to go outside by themselves …. no, wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying,” Juanita starts.

“We knew this whole idea of building a major costly courthouse extension, which everybody calls the Taj MaLaw, a hundred yards from the banks of the Brazos River was dumber than bean dip,” she continues, “but would they listen?  Nooooo, they would not because they wanted a new courthouse even though we don’t need one.”

“Anybody with a double digit IQ knows that if you dig down 10 feet anywhere near the banks of The River, you’re gonna hit water.  And to think that you can build an underground tunnel on the banks of The River is nuts.  But, the commissioner boys tried it.”

“The very first decent rain we’ve had here since the tunnel got started and the damn thing collapsed.  Of course.”

According to the Fort Bend County Sheriff’s Office, the tunnel, located near Williams Way, was under construction. Heavy rains caused it to collapse just after 8:30 p.m. Friday night. There are no immediate reports of injuries. Officials said workers had already gone home for the day.

“I’m not saying the county commissioners should hold their meetings in the tunnel from now on so they can stand proud of their bright ideas and prove me wrong …. no, wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Exactly.

“I wonder what this Ode To Ignorance is gonna cost the taxpayers?”

Okay, I went over and got some pictures this afternoon.

Here’s the Taj MaLaw.  The tunnel between the jail and courthouse is on the far right side   –

And they’ve got a giant screen trying to hide the collapse, but I snuck my phone camera between the places they tied it together and got his shot   —

.

Help is on the way.

Time Magazine has a cover this week about the new Girls Gone Wall Street —

A while back, Juanita announced that she didn’t mind being called “bitch” because she knows what it stands for – Boys, I‘m Taking Charge Here.

“I imagine that Sheila Bair, Mary Schapiro, and Elizabeth Warren have been called the b word more times than they can count,” Juanita surmises, “and Lord knows they earned it – proudly.”

“Ya see, women understand that their boobs don’t get bigger by skimming profit.  They also understand the rules we taught our children: play fair, share, don’t cheat, and wait your turn, also apply to life in general and America in specific.”

“Honey, I know that when bugs throw a party, they don’t invite the chickens.  So all the little Wall Street bugs better scurry and find themselves another yard because the Momma Hens are here,” Juanita grins.

“You go, Girls, we’re all pulling for you.”