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Today, Senator Orange Dude (John Boehner, R., Tan-O-Ville), had something interesting to say —

“They’re snuffing out the America that I grew up in,” Boehner said.

Yep, it’s them homosexuals, blacks, people as brown as Boehner is trying to be, and uppity women just ruining John Boehner’s America.

“It’s kinda like this,” Juanita explains.  “Here’s my take on John Boehner…..”

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times, well, that’s still pretty much on me.

Fool me four times and I can’t believe I fell for it agian.

Fool me five times and …. damn, there has to be Jews involved in this somehow.

Fool me six times and … why the hell do you keep fooling me?  What the hell are you doing?

Fool me seven times and …. damn you, Barney Franks.

Fool me eight times and I get to be the House Minority Leader.

Fool me nine times …. and stop it.  Just stop it.  You’re just laughing at me now, aren’t you?

“Look, John, it’s this simple,” Juanita explains.  “I ain’t going back to the kitchen in high heels just so you can feel in charge again.  Get Viagra and get over it.”

“I mean it, John, “American doesn’t belong solely to you anymore.  And we thank God for that!”

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The Republican Party has decided to attack Elena Kagan by pitching a fit about Thurgood Marshall, an honest to gosh American hero.

“I’m not saying that Republicans are mortified by intelligent black people,” Juanita begins this morning, “but Republicans are mortified by …. wait a minute, that is exactly what I’m saying.”

“In an silly-boy attempt to discredit Kagan, they went all off on Thurgood ByGawd Marshall, a personal hero of mine and a fine cowboy if ever there was one,” Juanita shakes her curls and taps her high heels again the tile floor making all manner of indignant noise.

As confirmation hearings opened Monday afternoon, Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee took the unusual approach of attacking Kagan because she admired the late justice Thurgood Marshall, for whom she clerked more than two decades ago.

“Justice Marshall’s judicial philosophy,” said Sen. Jon Kyl (Ariz.), the No. 2 Republican in the Senate, “is not what I would consider to be mainstream.” Kyl — the lone member of the panel in shirtsleeves for the big event — was ready for a scrap. Marshall “might be the epitome of a results-oriented judge,” he said.

“Bless their hearts, Republicans are still angry over Brown vs Board of Education,” because most of them are so old that they remember what happened yesterday but think 1954 was yesterday,” she surmises.

“And speaking old crazy old people,” Texas Senator John Cornyn went whack again during the hearing.  He started babbling in tongues that got so many people shaking their heads that the National Weather Service issued a wind warning.”

The lack of a coherent attack on the nominee became apparent when Cornyn began his opening statement with a quotation that he said he received in an e-mail: “Liberty is not a cruise ship full of pampered passengers. Liberty is a man of war, and we’re all the crew.”

“I don’t know why I thought of that,” Cornyn told the perplexed audience.

“Poor John.  They have to plug his ears at night to keep his brain in.”

“It is disturbing to me that Thurgood Marshall, a genuine American hero who granted full citizenship to millions of people, could not get confirmed by Republicans today because, according to Senator Kyl, he is not mainstream.  Mainstream?  You have Antonin Scalia on your side and you’re worried about mainstream?  Sneeze, your brains are dusty.”

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Juanita occasionally reminds folks that the best thing about Texas is that we’re dandy proud of our crazy folks.

“In foreign states, they put the crazy uncle up in the attic, in Texas we display him on the front porch and invited friends over to meet him,” she explains.

“I came to believe that Texas was the best place to be a crazy person  20 years ago when we put Ross Perot in charge of Texas education.  That proved to me right then and there that we could close all the mental institutions because we’d done found jobs for all the crazy people.”

“The plan worked well until we started electing them to Congress,” she explains.  “Texas now has a congressional delegation that would be under court-ordered custodial care in all other states.”

Juanita offers Republican Louis Gohmert as proof.

“I talked to a retired FBI agent who said that one of the things they were looking at were terrorist cells overseas who had figured out how to game our system. And it appeared they would have young women, who became pregnant, would get them into the United States to have a baby,” said Gohmert. “They wouldn’t even have to pay anything for the baby. And then they would turn back where they could be raised and coddled as future terrorists. And then one day, twenty, thirty years down the road, they can be sent in to help destroy our way of life. ‘Cause they figured out how stupid we are being in this country to allow our enemies to game our system, hurt our economy, get set up in a position to destroy our way of life.”

“Well,” she smiles, “I talked to an unnamed retired FBI agent, a current unnamed CIA Agent, and a future unnamed PTA president, and they all told me that it’s a well known fact to foreign terrorist operatives that Louis Gohmert is a Manchurian Candidate from an alien planet set to explode all over Austin, Texas, at a predesignated time, making a helluva mess with his engineered innards and vacuum brain.”

“Once he goes off, it’ll take us a week to skim paranoia off Lake Travis.  It would be a paranoia slick the likes of which have never been seen on this planet.”

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Remember when Republicans hated activist judges and thought local control was better than federal control?

“How long ago was that?” Juanita ponders.  “Oh yeah, yester-freekin-day!”

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that the Constitution’s “right to keep and bear arms” applies nationwide as a restraint on the ability of the federal, state and local governments to substantially limit its reach.

By a 5-4 vote split along familiar ideological lines, the nation’s highest court extended its landmark 2008 ruling that individual Americans have a constitutional right to own guns to all the cities and states for the first time.

“So, let me get this straight.  They are now against local control and they are now for activist judges.  Somebody write this down somewhere because they might need reminding of this flip flop in a day or two.  Or maybe in an hour.”

“I just wanna say one thing.  I am a gun owner.  I’m not one of those who thinks that nobody should own a gun.  But, I just have to wonder how damn tiny a guy’s winkie has to be for him to need a gun every damn place he goes?  And to force all the other under-endowed guys to carry one, too?”

“We’re gonna end up with a bunch of under-endowed guys shooting each other to death in church one Sunday morning,” she predicts.

“And that would be a bad thing because …..?” Thelma interrupts.

Juanita grins and continues her rant.  “And I also wonder about this argument that they need a gun to protect themselves from their government.  That might have made sense in 1776.  But lookie here, you bozos, the government has tanks and drones and nukes.   Your handgun ain’t gonna help matters much against a tank, no matter what ammo you use.  Do you think you have the right to own a nuke now days to protect yourself against the government?”

“Be careful.  Don’t give them any ideas, Juanita,” Verdelia warns.  “Dirt Janochek is already saving up to buy a hunting helicopter.”

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Juanita and crew are home from the State Democratic Convention where she had a total ball.  No, seriously, she loves this stuff.

And, while there, she did a little shopping.  For example, there was this perfectly marvelous button, fit for any and all occasions.  Thelma is going to bedazzle it a little for Juanita, but here’s what she bought —

“Yeah, you wish you had one,” Juanita grins.  “You behave yourself this week and I’ll tell you where you can get one, too.”

And, of course, there’s fashion.  This tee-shirt will be gracing the beauty salon once Juanita adds a few sequins —

Juanita is unpacking tonight and will be ready to report on her experiences at the convention next week.

The best news is that we voted overwhelmingly to keep the Texas Two Step.  I like to think that it had something to do with my thoughts on the subject, but, more likely, it had something to do with the Texas Two Step being one of the best grassroots organizing tools in the country.

Juanita wants you to know something.  “We also passed a platform with no crazy crap in it.  That right there makes us better than Republicans.”