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Republicans want to put the government in your personal business.  And, that government needs to be real big – big enough to reach all the way down to non-profits.  And to put icing on the cake, they want the courts and the Texas Attorney General to activist-up and adjudicate this.

Sen. Robert Deuell, R-Greenville, is seeking the attorney general’s help in keeping state funding for contraception and women’s health out of the hands of Planned Parenthood.

In 2005, Deuell and other anti-abortion lawmakers set up a mechanism so that federal Medicaid money for family planning and women’s wellness, such as cancer screening, would bypass Planned Parenthood because it is an abortion provider.

PP has set up a separate entity that runs abortion clinics from private funding. It also operates, with taxpayer help, a number of clinics around Texas that have long provided other medical care for women.

“Now, in some parallel world, it’s not odd that Republicans want big government and activist judges, but in this one, it’s duly noted as a tad freekin’ insane.  Let me put it this way:  if you wanted to drive the Bob Deuell crazy, it would be a very short trip,” Juanita observes this morning as she pours coffee and snark.

“Here’s Deuell’s request for an Attorney General’s ruling.  Here’s a picture of Deuell.  Here’s his official senate page.

“Ya know, if you’re anti-choice, that’s fine with me.  There’s a simple solution:  don’t have an abortion.  I have a friend who is anti-alcohol.  She doesn’t drink, but she ain’t Carrie Nation.  I have friends who don’t eat pork, but they don’t ask the Texas Attorney General to slap that short rib out of my mouth,” Juanita reports.

“This here is America,” Juanita points proudly to the flag in her salon, “unless you are my man or my ob/gyn, get the hell outta my lady bidness.”

Rightwinger icon and anti-choice loudmouth  Attorney General Greg Abbott has up to six months to make a decision.  “I wouldn’t place any money on this decision going down in favor of women,” Juanita says, “because the boys will be making those decisions for us.”

“Dammit.”

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My highly placed and confidential informants (Alfredo over at the Radio Shack and Melba at the Dairy Queen), say that  the Washington Post is working on a story regarding former DeLay staffer Glenn LeMunyon. LeMunyon’s lobbyist townhouse on Capitol Hill is allegedly a “GOP love shack” – two words I never thought I’d hear in the same sentence – where GOP members are literally “hooking up” with young female lobbyists.

The tease got published today.  It starts off innocent enough, yes it does.

GOP Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska — who’s in a tough race against Democratic opponent Tom White — was witnessed by Page Six in close conversation with a comely lobbyist at the Capitol Hill Club in DC recently.

“Why did you get me so drunk?” Terry asked the giggling woman, among other personal remarks.

When Terry realized he was sitting near a reporter, he quickly changed the topic of conversation to his three children and the struggle to pay their college tuition.

Terry was given a 100 percent rating by the Christian Coalition for his pro-family voting record.

And later the article finds Tom DeLay’s buddy, and his townhouse.

And lobbyist Glenn LeMunyon’s DC row house has been a hot spot for lobbyists who want to meet House members, including California’s Duncan Hunter, Pennsylvania’s Bill Shuster and Terry.

LeMunyon uses the house as an office during the day, a fund-raising space Some nights, and a place for congressmen to mingle after-hours with lobbyists. LeMunyon hung up on us but responded in an e-mail that his house was not being used inappropriately by anyone. Hunter’s office declined to comment. Shuster’s office said, “It is all false.”

Locals will remember that Tom also had a townhouse in DeeCee that he used for one of his lobbying groups.  We finally discovered that the Russians donated one million dollars to pay for it.  And then there was the house in Virginia ….

…. ooowwwww, stay tuned.

UPDATE:  Come to find out, the Hoochy House in question belongs to Texas’s own Jack Fields, former Self-Righteous Republican Congressvarmint from north Houston.

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Juanita taped a print out of a computer article to the snack room door.

The newest member of the Texas Senate, Brian Douglas Birdwell, voted in the November 2004 presidential election twice, choosing between George W. Bush and John Kerry in Tarrant County, Texas, and again in Prince William County, Va., according to election records in the two states.

Voting in the same election twice is a third-degree felony in Texas.

“I’ve been wondering how they win elections.  They vote twice!”  Juanita exclaims, “And now we have proof.”

“Generally in Texas, we elect good people to office and they go bad once they get all that power.  Can you even imagine where this guy’s going, what with his criminal behavior head start?  Plus, he’s a Republican so I’m sure it’ll be something real kinky.  I wouldn’t let my daughters around him.  Or my money, for that matter.  He’ll be robbing banks wearing nothing by a Lone Ranger mask and a pair of hunting boots before the session is over.  Mark my word.”

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“Some days the news is just better than other days,” Juanita grins this morning.

MIAMI — A Texas businessman who admitted evading taxes through Swiss bank accounts with UBS AG was sentenced to house arrest and probation after helping investigators find American tax cheats.

A Miami federal judge put Paul Zabczuk (ZAB’-chuck) of The Woodlands, Texas, on three years’ probation Tuesday, including one year of house arrest. Zabczuk’s attorney says he is paying $832,000 in back taxes, penalties and interest to the government.

“As most of you know, the brains behind the UBS scheme to let millionaires hide money from their fair share of taxes was hatched by former Texas Senator Phil Gramm,”  Juanita explains.  “Not only is Phil one frighteningly ugly person, it is said in Texas folklore that beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.  Phil Gramm is used as the touchstone for that bit of folklore.”

“Phil,” she continues, “is also the reason people warn you that our Texas politicians continue to do damage even after they leave office.”

“People ask me all the time why Tom DeLay isn’t in jail,” she admits.  “Honey, the bigger mystery is why is Phil Gramm still walking around hurting America?”

“You wanna know what I think is sad?  Mr. Zabczuk has the money to pay almost a million dollars in fines, not even to mention lawyers.  I wish, instead, that he didn’t and had to spend some time busting rocks.  House arrest?  Can you even imagine how nice his house is?  Damn, I’d be a criminal, too, if I could get Hilton arrest.”

Oh, bake my butt and call me biscuits.

“God will pull you through the fire?  Obviously, not so much for Sarah.  She lost,” Juanita recalls.

“Henry B. Gonzales, one of the greatest congressmen Texas ever had, is rolling over in his grave that Sarah Palin is coming to his convention center to spread ignorance, cattiness, and egomania – I.C.E.”

“It costs $99 to attend this and $350 if you want a hotel room that you’ll have to share to someone,” Juanita rolls her eyes.  “You can’t be joyful without paying for it, ya know.”

“Cripes, Women of Real Joy will be here at the beauty salon getting a pedi for $35.”

… and this is a two year old from my village.

(This is work safe.)

That is most certainly exactly right. Noooo…..

Thank you, Dr. Derek, for teaching him well.