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If somebody’s looking to buy a politician, Texas Governor Rick Perry announces the Grand Opening of Slick Rick’s Overnight Delivery Service.

Three years after Gov. Rick Perry’s biggest real estate score, questions persist about whether the governor benefited from favoritism, backroom dealing and influence-buying.

The Dallas Morning News found evidence that Perry’s investment was enhanced by a series of professional courtesies and personal favors from friends, campaign donors and the head of a Texas family with a rich history of political power-brokering.

Together they may have enriched Perry by almost $500,000, according to an independent real estate appraisal commissioned by The News.

“Step right up and take a gander at Slick Rick’s overnight Delivery Service.”

“It works this way,” Juanita the Huckster explains, “You pay the man; the man delivers.  What does the man deliver?  What ever you want!  You want laws to protect your profits?  He delivers!  You want a build a road right through the middle of Texas and name it Frenchy things?  He can get you that!  You want to sell your new medicine to all Texas pre-adolescent virgin girls?  Slick Rick delivers!”

Juanita steps away from the appointment table that she was using for a podium, puts down the hairbrush microphone and announces, “I cannot take it any more.  He brings shame to Texas.  Evict Rick, y’all.”

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You knew it was bound to happen.  Juanita has been waiting, too.

You no longer have to get in your car and drive your butt to a tea party meeting to watch the crazies entertain you for free.  “Heck, Hon, I even bought myself a special lawn chair to go watch the teabaggers,” Juanita admits.  “Now I can do it in my jammies!”

And, of course, it’s from Texas.

“Oh lookie, Mable, there are black people shredding the Constitution! Snap, Girl, who do you suspect that is?  Billy D. Williams? Or maybe Hootie and his Blowfish?  You think they might mean Will Smith?  Hell, I wouldn’t put it pass that man.  I knew he was evil ever since he drug that alien around by his hair in Independence Day.  I’ll bet ya that’s Will Smith shredding the Constitution.  Or maybe Oprah in drag.”

“Yeah, Mable, we better get us some big ole hunker billboards before the black men buy up all the shredding machines and start on NASCAR next.”

“Yep, what we old white people need is some batcrap crazy billboards to scare the living daylights outta people that they’re gonna get shedded next.  And let’s drag ole Ronnie Reagan up outta the grave because, dammit, we haven’t abused his memory enough lately.  Yes siree, people would give us perfectly good American cash money to scare the poop outta ignorant folks.”

“Mable, there’s money to be made preying on people’s fears and those old white men are gonna start needing that money real bad because, and I’m sure this comes as no big shocker to you, that the treasurer of the Freedom Billboards of Texas PAC, Dennis Frakes, is an oil services company executive.

“And, Mable, it appears that he’s into off shore drilling, so I imagine he’s looking for work.”

Dennis Frakes, Angry Old White Man, Stay Off His Damn Lawn, Ya Hear?

“I dunno about you, Mable, but as for me, if there’s anybody in the gosh-forsaken world who I trust with my money and my country – it’s off shore drilling’ oil men.”

“God Bless America, Mable, and the crumbly old white off shore drillin’ oilmen who want to own it.”

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For locals wanting to understand why the Fort Bend Demcoratic Party is opening a large headquarters this weekend and the GOP can’t even update their website since late March, go take a lookie at the map the Texas Tribune has.  Watch Fort Bend County slowly march from 61% Republican in 1998 to 51% Republican in 2008.

The numbers are changing and our GOP is in-fighting so badly that they can’t even decide whether to serve donuts or kolaches at their meetings.

“We have it on good information that some GOP breakaway group is holding an organizing meeting upstairs at Pecan Grove Country Club where they can praise big oil and insurance companies while smoking big cigars and drinking brandy,” Juanita reports.  When we get the handout, we’ll post it on the snack room door.”

And you know she will!

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The nice thing about gun nuts is that they will eventually weed themselves out.

The other nice thing is that they make our idioms so …. well, true.

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Juanita’s friend Alfredo has come across an interesting story that hasn’t made news yet that I know about.

Here’s what Alfredo found, and, Honey, this will warm your heart with memories   —

There’s a pdf that goes with this story to prove the numbers.  It’s right here.

Ah, it seems just like old times, when Karl Rove and Tom DeLay got Texas oil billionaires to finance the hostile takeover of both the federal and Texas state governments. They were so good at it, Karl thought he’d try again.

Karl Rove’s American Crossroads – the 527, not the 501(c)(4) – just filed its June report with the IRS. The 527 reported raising $3.4 million in June. What nobody has reported, however, is that $3.3 million of that came from just three billionaires:

B. Wayne Hughes, CEO of Public Storage – $1.3 million (bringing his year-to-date total contribution to $1.5 million).

Harold Simmons, owner of Southwest Louisiana Land LLC – $1 million.

Robert Rowling, owner of TRT Holdings – $1 million.

Simmons and Rowling are both Texas oil billionaires.

Simmons financed the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and gave $2.8 million to another front group, the American Issues Project, that ran anti-Obama ads in 2008.

Rowling gave $1 million to still another front group, Progress for America Voters Fund, to support George W. Bush’s re-election in 2004.

Wayne Hughes lives in Malibu and gave $1 million to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger governor of California.

Politico reported earlier this year that the first $1 million contribution to American Crossroads came from another Texas oil billionaire, Trevor Rees-Jones.

So of the total $4.7 million that American Crossroads has raised this year, $4,550,000 came from three Texas oil billionaires and a California horse breeder.

And all that money is being spent on ads attacking Senators Harry Reid (D-NV) and Patty Murray (D-WA) in a desperate attempt by the oil industry to buy back control of the the U.S. Senate.

It’s our country – but thanks to the Supreme Court’s decision in Citizens United, its for sale to the highest bidder.  It seems that oil companies are buying up what bankers and insurance companies couldn’t afford.

Memories, like the corner of my mind, misty water-colored memories of the way we were …….