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‘There’s some folks out there who think it’s strange that Debbie Riddle believes women are coming to the US to give birth to baby terrorists,” Juanita comments to no one in particular. “But, when you’re a member of the State Lege from Tomball, being wacko is almost required.”

Debbie Riddle: Hairspray and Cobwebs

“Tomball is north of Houston and not a pretty sight.  The fundamental churches and adult book stores are trying to keep up with each other.  It seems a losing battle for both,” Juanita admits.”

Debbie Riddle got semi-famous once in Texas Monthly’s Bum Steer Awards for saying —

“Where did this idea come from that everybody deserves free education, free medical care, free whatever? It comes from Moscow, from Russia. It comes straight out of the pit of hell. And it’s cleverly disguised as having a tender heart. It’s not a tender heart. It’s ripping the heart out of this country.”

No, seriously, she said that.  Free education from the pits of hell.  “She must have gone to Catholic school,” Juanita grins.

You can watch Debbie, who is also a warning for bad botox, right here.

“Honey, she’s the best and brightest of Tomball,” Juanita fears.  “Hell, Tomball is so far out in the woods that they think asphalt is a butt disease.”

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Juanita has spent days unable to even talk about how furious she got when Robert Gibbs called her part of the “professional left.”

Professional Twit

“I’ve got my holster tied down and I’ve had more than plenty of his disdain,” she says.  “I’m even considering a tee-shirt business of Professional Left tee-shirts, and then donating the profits to the International Replace Twits Fund.”

“I got all the name calling and marginalizing I needed under the Bush administration.  I am not putting up with this from people I gave money to and volunteered for,” she stomps.

Juanita hauls up and hollers at the teevee every time Gibbs comes on, “Hey Bud, kiss my patootie.  And that comes from a real professional.”

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For Juanita, Gone With the Wind is a hideous display of everything that’s wrong with movies.  “Gone With the Wind is directly responsible for Southern female stereotype.  It wasn’t until Steel Magnolias that we overcame all the evil perpetrated on southern women by that silly Scarlett woman.”

Nobody wears the drapes

So, Juanita was not pleased when she found out that her beloved University of Texas, who does not pay their graduate assistants enough money to live on, wants to raise money for bad fashion.

AUSTIN (AP) – It’s time to find out if fans of ” Gone With the Wind ” frankly give a damn about the fabulous dresses worn by Vivien Leigh in the multiple Oscar-winning Civil War drama.

The Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas in Austin is trying to raise $30,000 to restore five of Scarlett O’Hara’s now tattered gowns from the 1939 film.

“It’s just two clicks above paying to restore an Elvis macrame belt,” Juanita says.  “Or maybe two clicks below.”

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Chris Mohney wrote today…..

Continuing the chain of imaginary offensiveness to stereotypes, I plan to open a Babies R Us next to the gay bar next to the mosque next to Ground Zero. Next to the Babies R Us I will open a pornographic bookstore, and next to that I will open a police station. Next to the police station I will open a hip-hop recording studio, and next to that I will open an Applebees. Next to the Applebees I will open a TGI Fridays (those guys HATE each other) and next to the TGI Fridays I will open a methadone clinic. Next to the methadone clinic I will open a crack house, and finally, next to that, I will open a Catholic church adjoining a daycare center for attractive boys, adjacent to which I will just blow up whatever’s there so I can erect a memorial, and next to that memorial I will open a community center dedicated to a locally inconvenient ethnicity that I hired to blow up the original structure on the memorial site. Next to that I’m just going to put up some condos.

That, my friends, is perfect writing.

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It’s been fun Republican-watching at the Beauty Salon.  “They flip, they flop, they find every way they can to justify being selfish, stingy, hateful, and mean,” Juanita observes.

Now, there’s a new twist.

The rise of the Tea Party movement raises an interesting question about the place of religious faith in our political debate. For a long time, the Christian right has been in the driver’s seat in advancing conservatism. But the Tea Party is more Ayn Rand than the Bible. As one writer recently put it, the Christian side has taken a backseat to the movement’s libertarian impulses.

“Well,” Verdelia observes, “at least they’ll quit calling me anti-Christian and now simply call me anti-Ayn.”

“Honey,” Juanita says, “most of those folks never read Ayn Rand because they never took sophomore English.  They are just looking for some way to not be their brother’s keeper.  God didn’t work real well with that theory so they’re hitching their truck to a Russian bourgeois Hollywood hustler who had a six foot dollar sign made of flowers at her funeral.  Most people would get nauseous at that kind of turn-around! But, I suspect zombies don’t get nauseous.”

“Which would explain why they can sit through a whole Sarah Palin speech without upchucking,” Verdelia says.

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“No, no, I take it back,” Juanita hollers with delight.  “Revenge is best served up in Florida restaurant with an Esquire magazine reporter.”

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