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Juanita told you and told you that we should not let Phyllis Schlafly reproduce, but would you listen?  No, you would not.

But Conservapedia founder and Eagle Forum University instructor Andy Schlafly — Phyllis Schlafly‘s son — has found one more liberal plot: the theory of relativity.

You might enjoy reading the details.  It seems that Andy has bragged about “homeschooling” 185 children.  “I suppose they are not all his own,” Juanita speculates, “but with guys like this, you never know.  It could be that he has a harem of bimbos, all of them striking a startling likening to mom.”

“I knew Albert Einstein’s work was merely a plot to destroy the Bible and America As They Want It To Be,” Juanita said.  “He just made all that stuff up to piss off the religious right.  I love him for that.”

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Sometimes you have to look stuff up because it’s just too funny to be true.

The owner of an Ohio strip club and some of his dancers have been protesting at a church that has done the same to them for four years. Women in bikinis sat in camp chairs Sunday outside the New Beginnings Ministries church in Warsaw, about 60 miles northeast of Columbus.

Tommy George owns the Foxhole strip club in nearby Newcastle. He says he and his employees decided to start coming to the church because they were fed up.

George says the church’s pastor, Bill Dunfee, and his congregation have bothered the club’s weekend patrons. He says they come armed with bullhorns, signs and video cameras for posting customers’ license plate numbers online.

“I bet attendance at the church was waaaay up,” Juanita says.  “Because it seems that Rev. Bill and his congregation have way too much times on their hands since they appear to be opposed to everything.”

“I must have attended the wrong Vacation Bible School,” Juanita admits, “because I am embarrassed to admit that I did not know that Jesus didn’t believe in evolution.”

“Plus, I didn’t even know that Jesus was all into shame, with bullhorns even.  Somebody alert the Belles of Heaven Republican Womens Club!”

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Juanita’s own personal congressman, Pete Olson, is about 2 clicks short of being a blithering idiot.  Those are two clicks are that (1) he knows how to shuddup, and (2) he lays low.

“If Pete were to ever start appearing on teevee, he’s a late night comedy joke in the making.  He’s just goofy looking and not terribly bright.  Tom DeLay and Phil Gramm anointed him and that’s the way Tom and Phil like their puppets,” Juanita  explains.

“Pete will probably be sacrificed in redistricting in Texas so he’s spending money as fast as he can while he ain’t footing the bill.  We know from past experience that he needed a bailout for himself.  He’s not great at handling money.”

This week, people in Pete Olson’s district got two – not one, but two – fancy pants mailers from Pete.  Both were full color, 4 page, professional produced mailers.  Click the little one to get the big one.

“And that’s real nice,” Juanita says, “because what with this bad economy, what I’ve been needing is some new reading material.  It’s powerful sweet of Pete to send me not one, but two – count ’em, two – mailers in one week.  I apologize for saying he doens’t know how to handle money when here he is being oh so generous ….

“Oh crapola,” Juanita said. “Pete Olson thinks I’m Rockefeller.”

“Goodness sake, can’t he get some money from those Tea party people?  He has spent my money to get somebody to photoshop that goofy look off his face!  I just know it,” Juanita stomps.

The next time around, Pete might want to send Juanita only one mailer.  Two just hacks her off double.  That’s not something you want to be doing if you can help it.

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In an announcement fraught with irony, it seems that the TEA Party is having trouble raising money.

Some leading tea party activists are concerned that their efforts to reshape American politics, starting with the 2010 elections, are being undermined by a shortage of cash that’s partly the result of a deep ambivalence within the movement’s grass roots over the very idea of fundraising and partly attributable to an inability to win over the wealthy donors who fund the conservative establishment.

“Okay, so you base a political movement on being stingy and distrustful and then want to act amazed when they fail to raise money?” Juanita laughs.  “Sneeze, your brains are dusty.”

“It’s kinda like how the Libertarian Party can’t get organized enough to do any damage.  Darlin’, if they could organize, they wouldn’t be Libertarians.  Hell, if they could get along with other people, they wouldn’t be Libertarians.”

“So, in my mind, this is one of those moments that you wonder what they expected?  They expected greedy people to donate money to anything?  Hell, these people are so tight that when they smile, their toes curl.”

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Contrary to what you might suspect, Juanita loves Newt Gingrich.

“Any days that I have the slightest inkling of a doubt about my allegiance to the Democratic party, along comes Newt and whacks me upside the head.”

“Judge Walker’s ruling overturning Prop 8 is an outrageous disrespect for our Constitution and for the majority of people of the United States who believe marriage is the union of husband and wife.”

“Now, you know that sentence should end ‘between a husband and wife, and a wife, and a wife.’ Newt Gingrich is lecturing on the sanctity of marriage?  Oh dear, that’s so sweet to my ears.”

“According to recent studies, Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh have, between them, been married to every woman in America except Verdelia, me, and you.  We’re not so sure about Thelma.  Maybe she didn’t marry them but she, like the rest of us, got screwed by at least one of them at some time or another.”

“I suspect that counts.”

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“I know that I’m going to upset some of my Democratic friends by saying this, but I am tired, tired, sick and tired of the DNC using Texas for a bag drag,” Juanita said this morning.

For the past 22 years, some state Democrats complain, the national party has used Texas like an ATM. The national party’s constant suck of money out of the state without reinvesting in Texas has given Republicans an advantage in state elections, they say.

“If they’d invest this money in Texas, we’d be a blue (Democratic) state,” said long-time party consultant Glenn Smith. “They (national party leaders) come down here and drag the sack and spend the money on themselves.”

During the 2008 election cycle, the Democratic National Committee raised $6.5 million from Texas donors and left $204,000 behind with the state party, according to data kept by the Center for Responsive Politics.

“It is my humble belief that they ought to have to leave 25% of what they raise here.  If they had done that in the past, Texas would be a blue state,” Juanita say with certainty.

“Now, nobody is more excited than I am that President Obama is going to speak at UT.  But, $5,000 a person to attend the fundraiser that follows – well, that money scampers out of Texas for somewhere like Michigan.  Uh, the DNC boys need to buy a pocket calculator.  Texas has twice as many electoral votes as Michigan.”

“Let us have some table scraps, Boys.  If you elect local Democrats in Texas, we’ll teach the voters why everybody should vote Democratic!”