Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’
Mosque or Embarrassment?
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Juanita thinks that maybe – just maybe – the GOP is just using their outrage about a mosque in downtown New York City to mask their extreme embarrassment over the scientific proven fact that they did not keep their promise to (1) find Osama bin Laden, or (2) to rebuild the World Trade Center.
“Remember ole Bush standing there on the pile of rubble and promising to hunt down bin Laden? Remember how he promised we would rebuild? Remember when he promised we were going to Mars? I know that last thing doesn’t have anything to do with the mosque but it was just so nutty that I didn’t want you to forget about it,” Juanita says.
“Republicans were impotent – yeah, I said that word – and didn’t keep either of those promises, so now they are hollering about a mosque two blocks away? I think they’ve got some apologizing to do before they start claiming New York City as their own.”
“Honey, whales will be blowing sand in West Texas before Republicans have any pride in what they’ve done to honor 9/11 victims,” she predicts. “This whole mosque thing is just another opportunity to work themselves into a righteous indignation over diddle squat.”
“I’ve come to believe that conniption fits pass for foreplay in most Republican homes,” she offers. “And the most inconsequential the cause, the bigger the fit.”
She might be right.
But, People, She Really NEEDS to Say The N Word
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“I cannot believe y’all are being so mean to Dr. Laura,” started Thelma this morning when she entered the salon wearing her gold skin tight pedal pushers and flowing leopard shirt. Thelma usually wear a size 22, but she says that a size 20 looked so good on her that she bought a size 16. Parts of Thelma get there a couple seconds after her clothes do.
“Dr. Laura is a wonderful woman who has helped many people see the evils of liberalism and godless islamo- democracy,” said Thelma to the literary amazement of Juanita.
“And now she has to quit her radio show to be free, free, I tell you, to say what is in her heart. Because, you, yes, you Juanita, hate Dr. Laura’s heart. Last night on Larry King, Dr. Laura was talking to you, Juanita, when she said that she’s quitting her radio show because ….”
“The reason is I want to regain my First Amendment rights,” she told King, according to E! Online. “I want to be able to say what’s on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors. I’m sort of done with that.”
“All she wants is to be able to say the N word without you getting all up in her face, Juanita!” Thelma was working herself into a lather and the scent of Evening in Pasadena was growing stronger the hotter Thelma got. It was not pleasant.
“Dr. Laura needs to say the N word without all you Marxist Islamic Socialist Nazis getting upset,” Thelma says in a voice that sounds like a teaspoon in the garbage disposal.
“Thelma! Grab ahold of them reins and holler whoa!” Juanita said. “All I’m saying is that if Dr. Laura walks into this beauty salon, and God knows the woman needs to, and says the N word, Verdelia is gonna be all upside her head with the Baptist hymnal she carries in her purse.”
“Yep – I’ll whack some Jesus into her heart,” Verdelia proudly said.
And I would bet money on that.
Free For All
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Juanita is out of pocket attending the Annual Del Rio Cuticle Conference so we’re just gonna open up the comment section and let you say whatever you feel the need to get off your chest. Read any news lately? Have a thought?
So, have at it.
Here’s a little inspiration, but certainly not directions.
Juanita’s: Come for the style. Stay for the shirt.
Thank the Obama Justice Department, Mr. DeLay
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Juanita thinks she’s going to throw up. Seriously.
The Justice Department has informed former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) that the government has ended a six-year investigation of his ties to the disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, according to DeLay’s lead counsel in the matter, Richard Cullen, chairman of McGuireWoods.
The investigation lasted through two presidents and four attorneys general. Its demise provides a stark footnote to the lobbying scandals that helped Democrats regain the House majority they held for 40 years and lost in the Republican revolution of 1994, which eventually made the pugnacious DeLay one of Washington’s top power brokers.
“I guess the best I can hope for is that he’ll throw out his back while strutting around town. Or that he’ll accidentlaly bite his tongue while saying, ‘I told you so.'”
“And if there was a newspaper around here worth its salt, they’d go investigate why his village for foster children, once heralded as worthwhile and formerly overseen by the Lutheran Church, has had only one family for the past year and is overgrown with weeds. Seven houses have sat empty for at least a year. Something ain’t right there. Odds are that they’ll kick out that last family now that Tom is free and clear.”
“And I do take some delight that Tom will have to admit that it was the Obama Justice Department who cleared him,” she smiles.
I’m Sorry, Grace, But We Couldn’t Keep Him at Home. Dallas Was Over the Legal Limit on Crazy, So He Had to Leave.
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Juanita’s friend Grace isn’t from around here. But, she’s beginning to develop a little tiny tee-ninecy honkin’ grudge against Texas. She emailed Juanita a little newspaper story with a sweet note of complaint. Grace wonders if we can close the borders of Texas to keep the nuts inside.
It seems that one of Texas’ finest left the state to spread the crazy around.
About a dozen right-wing Christians, carrying placards and yelling “Islam is a lie,” angrily confronted worshippers outside a Fairfield Avenue mosque Friday.
“Jesus hates Muslims,” they screamed at worshippers arriving at the Masjid An-Noor mosque to prepare for the holy month of Ramadan. One protester shoved a placard at a group of young children leaving the mosque. “Murderers,” he shouted.
Police arrived on the scene to separate the groups, but said no arrests were made.
Flip Benham, of Dallas, Texas, organizer of the protest, was yelling at the worshipers with a bullhorn.
“This is a war in America and we are taking it to the mosques around the country,” he said.
Flip, of course, took his comb-over and crazy butt tee-shirt with him when he left.
“He’s in Connecticut now,” Juanita observes, “but I’ll bet you he can’t spell it. Hell, I betcha he’s lost and thinks he’s in Ohio.”
“In all seriousness, Dallas went Democratic in the last election, which is akin to it becoming Sodom and Gomorrah in Flip’s mind.”
“You know, when I meet Sweet Jesus, I’m gonna bet you a bowl of no-calorie Blue Bell ice cream that Sweet Jesus ain’t proud of that tee-shirt or that attitude,” Juanita suspects. “Jesus loves the little children and runs empty on hate.”
“And, Grace, I’m powerful sorry about Flip. I think all of his nuts, bolts, AND screws are loose. We’ll try to get him back here. We’ll leave a message on his phone from his good buddy Rick Perry saying that there’s some homosexual Muslim Mexicans at the border, trying to get in to have babies and vote Democratic.”