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She’s coming here.   We’re proud to have her.

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After two decades of Republican rule, Texas finds itself with a $27 billion budget deficit.  This, of course, is Barack Obama’s fault.

Juanita responds, “Listening to Governor Rick Perry and Lt. Governor David Dewhurst deliver anti-Washington inaugural speeches to kick off their desperate campaigns to get to Washington, we now suspect that Barack Obama’s birth certificate will turn up in El Paso where he has been secretly running Texas into the hole ever since Republicans took over state government.  It’s a plot.”

“When cutting the budget, we cannot afford to get near Rick Perry’s slush fund for his friends and contributions, which he gamely calls ‘an economic development fund.’  And, admittedly, that’s not far from true if the only economic development you’re talking about is the economic development of Rick Perry’s presidential race.”

So, Texas is cutting luxury items.

Public schools, universities, health care providers take major hits as Texas proposes to balance two-year budget without raising taxes or using rainy day fund.

Grants for classroom technology were also cut because all the good jobs are going to India, anyway.  Same deal for college financial aid.  “Heck, we cut enough from public education and nobody will be able to get into college anyway, so problem solved,” Juanita explains.

“We’re also deeply cutting mental health programs and parole supervision, shutting down at least one state assisted-living center and giving up on that whole ‘prison’ idea,” Juanita shakes her head.  “I mean, now that we’re all armed with concealed weapons, prisons just seem like a luxury we don’t need.”

“Also, The Victims Services Division would be eliminated.  If you’re a victim in Texas, it’s you own damn fault.  You have a weapon, Honey, use it, dammit.”

We’ll dig deeper into The Great Texas Budget Cutting in the coming days.  Last I heard, we were thinking about cutting ties with Oklahoma.

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Juanita often describes her beauty salon as being “dangerously close to Houston.”  It appears that she will be seeking redemption for that comment.

Come to find out, some scientists at Brown University did a study on what women want a man to smell like. Big news:

In two large studies led by Brown University olfactory expert Dr. Rachel Herz, women ranked a man’s scent as the most important feature for determining whether she would be sexually interested in him.

The good news is that Dr. Herz isn’t totally insane.  It appears that  “scent may be the main way in which women literally sniff out genetic compatibility with a potential mate. How we smell is an external expression of the genes that make up our immune system.”

Juanita reports, “Part of the study was to determine, by region, which scents woman found most sexy.  It might surprise you, but not me.”

1.      New York – coffee

2.      Los Angeles – lavender

3.      Chicago – vanilla

4.      Houston – barbeque

5.      Atlanta – cherry

6.      Phoenix – eucalyptus

7.      Philadelphia – clean laundry

8.      Dallas – smoke/fireplace

9.      San Diego – suntan lotion/ocean

10.  Minneapolis-St. Paul – cut grass

John Cornyn smells like ... hummm ... is manure on the list?

“Barbeque.  Yep, that’ll do it.  While Philadelphia women want their men to do the laundry, Chicago women want their men to bake, and God only knows what Atlanta women want but I’ll bet it’s pretty kinky, Houston women want their men to kill something, put a dry rub on it, slap it on the pit, and serve it in tight blue jeans,” Juanita says she can now scientifically prove.

“So,” she advises, “all you Minneapolis men get out there and mow the lawn.  You New York men get up and make the coffee.  And you Los Angeles men?  Lavender?  Really?

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UPDATED:

Juanita’s blood ran cold at the announcement.

Political operatives in Austin tell me that Perry’s campaign team has been quietly polling voters outside of the Lone Star State to gauge his chances on the national stage. With the November 2012 election 22 months away, Perry is hoping to gain some early traction.

“Now, I know people say that American isn’t ready for another prissy, ignorant, Texas Governor who is charmingly unburdened by intellectual function.  But damn, people, look what America elected last November,” she cautions.

Verdelia claims that she’s strongly considering opening “The Miss Verdelia Center for the Study of Rick Perry, Fire Ants, and Rattlesnakes.”  She will issue national media alerts when any of these things might threaten the well being of the citizenry.

Rick is being inaugurated today and here’s the list of “donors” (Read: corporate rapists) who are paying for the event.

From Rick’s inaugural address today

The frail, the young, the elderly on fixed incomes, those in situations of abuse and neglect, people whose needs are greater than the resources at their disposal – they can count on the people of Texas to be there for them.

We will protect them, support them and empower them, but cannot risk the future of millions of taxpayers in the process. We must cut spending to keep our economic engine on track.

Translation:  Yeah, we’ll help the poor, the lame, children, and the elderly, just so long they don’t actually need anything.

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“Okay, if the events in Tucson taught us anything, it’s that more college kids need to carry guns,” Juanita reports from the Texas Lege.

It appears that another man with a small winkie has decided that he’s gonna push a bill allowing college students to carry handguns on campus.  The only exception would be that they couldn’t have the handguns in the dorm.

“Which seems kinda ridiculous,” Juanita says, “because everybody knows that a handgun is only known cure for a neighbor in the dorm who plays Yanni full blast at 8:00 am.”

“And has the Lege given thought to what students would do with their handguns upon entering the dorm?  Would there be a receptacle outside the door for them like there are for cigarette butts?”

Juanita ain’t the only one with questions.

One Texas lawmaker thinks allowing concealed handguns on university campuses will improve safety for students and faculty.

But the head lawman at Stephen F. Austin State University says allowing weapons would make any crisis situation even more dangerous.

The lawman makes the point that unless we make students wear bad guy or good guy tee shirts, the real police will have a difficult time knowing who to shoot.  Idea like that come from something subversive called “thinking.”

But, noooooo …. that’s not enough gun crap in the Texas Lege.

Prepare yourself for this one.  Every August Texas has a back-to-school no-sales-tax-weekend for school clothes, lunch boxes, pencils, Big Chief tablets, paste, ammo …..

Oh, yeah.  Sid Miller

Sid Miller

HB 181 would exempt “handguns, rifles, shotguns, and ammunition” from tax that same back-to-school weekend because nothing says ‘Welcome to Kindergarten” like a 9-mm handgun.

A bill filed by state Rep. Sid Miller, a Republican from Stephenville, would add handguns, rifles and ammunition to the list of items exempt from sales tax that weekend.

“We already have one sales tax holiday, why not make it two instead of one?” Miller said. “We just want to give taxpayers a break.

“In the last two years, the cost of handguns and ammunition have almost gone through the roof so that it’s almost prohibitive for gun ownership,” he said.

Thelma was furious.  “Has that man priced a garter belt lately?  I suspect not.  I can barely afford one anymore!  Or how about a tax free weekend on perfume?”

Juanita, however, is still worried about that guns on campus thing.  “There’s not a lot of sobriety on campus,” she contemplates.

Juanita says that Bubba has the right idea.  “Bubba says that the Texas Lege needs to get a better handle on what college is all about.  He says that if anything should be tax exempt that weekend it should be condoms,” she grins.

So, if Texas Rep Sid Miller needs help remembering what college is all about, then he’s too damn old to be making the rules.

(Thanks to customer Marcia for the heads-up on this one.)

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Juanita was in Corpus Christi this weekend for the South Texas Democratic Summit and overheard this.

Take the vowels out of Reince Preibus’ name and you get:

RNC PR BS

Okay, that just can’t be coincidence.  It just can’t be.