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Looks like Texas has decided that anything that will help Rick Perry’s Presidential run is a damn emergency.

Today, Gov. Rick Perry added two more issues, including controversial voter ID legislation, to his list of “emergency items” that legislators can begin deliberating on right away instead of waiting until after the first 60 days of the session.

He also wants legislators to get cracking on legislation encouraging an amendment to the U.S. Constitution requiring the federal budget be balanced. Already on the “emergency items” list are reforming eminent domain laws and abolishing sanctuary cities.

“Okay,” Juanita shouts, “let haul some butt and get to work on a resolution to require the federal budget to be balanced so nobody west of the Sabine River has to fret over the fact that we’re $27 billion short here in Texas.”

“And even though they can’t show us anybody who has voted illegally, it’s more important than the fact that we most certainly can show you some illiterate schoolchildren,” she stomps.

Juanita has been pondering some more “emergency” legislation we need in Texas to avoid solving real problems.  Rick Perry should feel free to use this list.

1.  Fire ant emergency.  Pass a strongly worded resolution that fire ants are just a damn nuisance.

2.  Insert your own emergency Perry hairdo joke here.

3.  You know that feeling when you lean back in your chair and you know you’re gonna fall?  We gotta do something about that.

4.  Fund a grant to see if the light really goes off in your refrigerator when you shut the door.  I gotta know for sure.  It’s an emergency.

5.  Emergency Jesus Gun Bill.  I dunno what it’s about but it’ll get a lot of Republican attention if it says Jesus and gun.  If you want sirens to go off with it, add  feminist to the title.  Want full-fledged fireworks?  Gambling Gay Feminist Jesus Gun Bill.

6.  Oh my God!  Oh My God!  Somebody spoke above a whisper in the Alamo.  Load the cannons!

7.  HB 132:  The Crisis of No Official State Beauty Salon Bill.

8.  Putting leather fringe on the endangered species list.  Not just a good idea:  A crisis averted.

9.  The urgent situation of “Hellfire, Bubba, there’s a black man in the White House.  If that don’t beat all.”

10.  Crucial legislation needed to see if daylight savings  time really saves.

Texas, I love yew.

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The earliest finding of dogs in the America was recently discovered in South Texas, circa 10,000 years ago.

We, of course, barbequed it.

No kidding.

It’s Texas.  It’s what we do.

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Sadly, they sent John Oliver.  Most members of the Lege would ask him to please speak English.

Tune in Thursday to Comedy Central for the Daily Show and some making-fun of Texas.

John Oliver, one of the fake news show’s correspondents, was in Austin yesterday taping a segment that is tentatively scheduled for Thursday night. It seems to be focused on some supposed rumblings by some right-wingers before the speaker’s race about the need for a conservative and Christian speaker – an apparent reference to Speaker Joe Straus’ religion. He’s Jewish.

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What happens when you put two highly narcissistic personalities in a pool of hedonism?

We’re fixing to find out, Honey.

Sarah Palin is going to Reno to speak to a gun convention, and Rick Perry is going to Las Vegas to a gun show.  I guess we’ll see which one has the biggest gunbelt.

By the way, we have a massive deficit and our Governor will need all his taxpayer financed security to attend a book-signing in Vegas.  I dunno, it seems to me that if he’s out there moonlighting to make more money, he ought to pay for his own security.  That’s just me.

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Juanita says you have to give Republicans their due.  They have come up with some rather creative ways to solved Texas’ budget shortfall:  (1) drop the senior year of high school because if you haven’t learned it by then, it highly likely you ain’t learning it, (2)  fire 100,000 teachers because what this state really needs is more unemployment and ignorance, (3) close the state mental hospitals because there ain’t no crazy like Texas-crazy, (4) turn Lufkin into a giant casino/brothel dance hall, and lastly and most promising as far as raising some real money  (5) let Baptist buy whiskey on Sundays.

“There is a certain charm to this idea,” Juanita says.  “Letting us watch The Steeple People Republicans have to decide on whether to raise taxes or encourage drunkenness might be a sight to behold.”

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Here ya go —

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, the founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, have organized a coalition of like-minded businesses to protest a Supreme Court ruling that struck down limits on corporate campaign spending in candidate elections.

“Business for Democracy” will stage its first-ever event on the one-year anniversary of the court’s decision in Citizens United vs. the Federal Election Commission.

Juanita says their website doesn’t open until Friday, so she feels it is our duty to eat all the Ben & Jerry’s we can until then.

And, yeah, she’s gonna join!