God love that boy, he thinks he can beat Nancy Pelosi.

Yo, Newt, who is still in Congress and who is not?  Don’t toy with her.

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich sounds a little worried that Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi might follow through with her threat to divulge details of his past transgressions.

“If she’s suggesting that she’s going to use materials that she developed when she was on the ethics committee, that is a fundamental violation of the rules of the House, and I would hope that members would immediately file charges against her the second she does it,” the candidate told reporters in New York Monday.

Newt, Babe, she could take you out of this race by just writing on bathroom walls.

You think you could keep a thousand pages of dirt secret?  Hell, Nixon only had 50 or 60 pages.

I hate to be tacky, but has the NFL seen this?  You know that the Philadelphia Eagles own that, right?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

Okay, so I do mean to be tacky.  But no matter what I say, it’s still ain’t as tacky as that hair.

You know Texas?  The state where we’re so broke that we have to fire teachers and throw grandma off the mental health rolls so now she’s taken to throwing rocks at invisible birds again?  Yeah, that state.

Well, rumor – and not much else – has it that our Governor is running for President.  When he and his lovely wife travel all over the country pretending to be people who are taken seriously, they have been taking their Texas Trooper security detail with them because the Governor is scared of snakes and his lovely wife is scared somebody might muss her hair.

This is not free.

The tally for September alone shows $397,714 in expenses for 30 out-of-state trips by the law enforcement detail that provides security to him and his wife, Anita, according to records released Monday by the Texas Department of Public Safety.

That brings the total for such trips to $762,680 from his November 2010 re-election through Sept. 28. The expenses include such items as airfare, food and lodging for the security detail.

Now you might be wondering how it is that Perry’s vast political funds can pay for the campaign expenses but not the security detail.  Well, Rick Perry has an answer for that.

Even before he announced for president, Perry said when asked about security costs that it would be appropriate for the state to foot the bill, asserting that regardless of whether he aimed at the White House, “I’m going to be promoting Texas wherever I go.”

I WANT MY DAMN MONEY BACK!  (Yes, as a matter of fact, I most certainly am hollering.)  If that ain’t consumer fraud, I do not know what is.

Rick Perry has made a fool of Texas.  There are entire states of people who cannot say Texas without guffawing.  You are not promoting Texas, Governor, you are demoting Texas.  Hell, Bud, you’ve made Mississippi look like an intellectual garden land.

Rick Perry is dead as a presidential candidate – he just won’t lay down.  But the reason he won’t quit is that he still has millions left in his campaign account.  Maybe we could teach grandma to throw rocks at him.

Fox Business News?  Need I say more?

Last week, on the network’s “Follow the Money” program, host Eric Bolling went McCarthy on the new, Disney-released film, “The Muppets,” insisting that its storyline featuring an evil oil baron made it the latest example of Hollywood’s so-called liberal agenda.

Good Lord, Bolling, it’s a damn frog.

Has anybody explained to him that Muppets are not real … you know … oil barons?

“It’s amazing how far the left will go just to manipulate your kids, to convince them, give the anti-corporate message,” he said.

Please, nobody tell him that Pixar is a corporation.  That would ruin his story.

Thanks to Paul for the heads-up.

Some of you know that I write for real magazines and newspapers.  I mean, it ain’t like I’m getting rich off this non-blog gig.  Hell, I don’t even make flip-flop money here.

I have an agreement with the people I write for that I won’t re-post anything I write for them until it’s been in print a couple of weeks.  So, this piece is a little dated, but you still might enjoy it.  I wrote it for OutSmart Magazine – one of the funnest places to work anywhere anyhow.

.

Santa Says, “Ho, Ho, …. Uh, Oops.”

You know that dream where you are in school wearing only a coon skin hat and bowling shoes but then you realize it’s okay because at least you’re not Rick Perry…

The debates have not gone well for the Texas Governor.  Well is a relative term.  In truth, he got beat so badly that he has to unzip his pants to see out.

I want you to imagine for a minute how hard it is to stand out as dumb among the Republican presidential candidates.  That alone is an amazing feat!  It can be proven scientifically that you can’t do that by accident.  You have to work at accomplishing that level of dumb.

Although “Perry in 2012” is clearly identified on the Mayan Apocalypse calendar, the boy ain’t giving up.   He’s ready, set …. and uh I forget what the last thing is.  Oops.

Bless his heart, Governor Perry was going to adopt Herman Cain’s economic plan but he couldn’t remember what came after 9 – 9 –

So, in honor of our Governor, the Texas Legislature will consider the following legislation in their next session, because, especially in this time of austerity, three is just too darn many —

New Legislation in Honor of Making Things Easier for Rick Perry

Two Hos! for Santa is plenty.  Look at the man!  Does he look like he really needs three?

Peter, Paul, and … you know, the girl.

Good education news:  on Columbus Day, students in elementary school no longer have to learn to spell Santa Maria.

Rock, paper and scissors now simply rock and another rock.

From now on in church it’s, “Father, Son, and that freaky dude.”

Two strikes and you’re out.  Three balls and …. Come on, now, nobody needs three balls.  Not even you.

Three wise men?  Oh sure, like you could find even two wise men in Texas.  And they certainly couldn’t have come from the east.  There’s Nacogdoches in the east.

Snap, Crackle, and Eat Your Damn Cereal.

Sorry, but the Alamo has to go.  From now on it’s, “Remember the!”

Goldilocks meets Momma Bear, Papa Bear, and effective birth control.

Larry and Curly have to send Moe off to join a motorcycle gang.

Two’s company and three’s just damn perverted.

Two blind mice and one who just needs glasses.

The Two Amigos:  Cheaper production costs.

Crosby, Still, Nash, and oh heck just forget it I never liked their music anyway.

The Three Musketeers will now be known as Bubba and Dewayne.

The Three Little Pigs will now be one pig and one vicious coyote just asking to be shot.

We can all forget Godfather III, and be better people for it I might add.

Have you ever noticed how famous murderers have three names — Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Boothe, Mark David Chapman?  Well, thanks to Rick Perry all that murdering foolishness will stop.

Remember Three Dog Night?  Well, nobody else does either.

For all the nerds out there, atoms will now consist of protons, neutrons, and Ron.

Triathlons just got a lot shorter.

The Good, the Bad, and The Oops.

The three R’s are now reading, writing, and recess.  Nobody forgets recess.

Lights!  Camera!  Something!

Yabba, Dabba, Yahtzee!

Sex, Lies, and more Sex.

Three new branches of government:  Executive, Legislative and Bob.

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott is a jerk.  A giant jerk with a cherry on top.

And, apparently, even his own political party is starting to recognize it.  Abbott continues to posture and issue self-serving press releases about his handling of redistricting, blasting the Justice Department. His fellow Republicans are fed up with him.

I just got off the phone with Sen. John Carona, who reiterated his displeasure with Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott for sending a letter to the Justice Department that he felt was unhelpful and over the top.

To Carona, the letter was an attempt by the attorney general to duck his responsibility by “shifting blame.”

Carona confirmed that there were many Republicans at the Capitol who are not happy with the way that Abbott has defended the state’s redistricting plans for the Texas House, Senate and congressional districts in federal court.

Maybe if Abbott spent less time pandering to the Tea Party and advertising to stop people from treading on his worthless butt, Texas might not be laughed out of court.

Spend a minute this morning pondering on how outrageous you have to be so that even other Republicans call you outrageous.  A bunch.  You’d have to go to one of those semi truck weighing stations to measure that level of outrageous.