If you live in Texas …

We do not know when the primary election is or whether there will be one for President and another one two months later for everything else, or a combination of both.

We do not know where the district lines are for congressional, state house, state senate, county commissioner, county constables and justices of the peace, or precinct chairs.  Therefore, we do not know any of the candidates for these offices.

Filing deadline was supposed to be tomorrow but they extended it until Monday.  However, once the Supreme Court rules on redistricting, which we have no idea when, we will re-open filings for a period of time which nobody knows how long or when, and let people get a refund if they don’t want to run for their new district or file if they do.  Even things like sheriff, district and county court judges, tax assessor/collector, and other countywide offices that don’t have districts will also get another chance to file then because … hell if I know.

We also do not know if the Justice Department will pre-clear Voter ID so we do not know what kind of identification you have to have to vote when we do vote.  And right now odds appear pretty good that we eventually will get to vote.  That, however, is fluid and could change tomorrow.

We also do not know if we can do all this in time for the state parties to have conventions this summer to elect delegates to the national conventions.

So, we have no filing deadline, no districts, no candidates, no election date, and no way to vote.

Other than that, everything will proceed as usual.

Please feel free to enjoy this adventure in democracy.

The Eric Holder speech was a stomper and shouter.  I said Amen and volunteered to pass the plate.

I couldn’t help but note that it made news worldwide, if, that is, you count the British as part of the world.

And even the New York Times.

Declaring in a speech that protecting ballot access for all eligible voters “must be viewed not only as a legal issue but as a moral imperative,” Mr. Holder urged Americans to “call on our political parties to resist the temptation to suppress certain votes in the hope of attaining electoral success and, instead, achieve success by appealing to more voters.”

The auditorium holds 1,000 people and it was full.  He got two standing ovations.  We had heard that 500 True the Vote protesters were going to be there.  I saw 3 and all of them needed a bath and a job, at least according to Newt.

If I was you, I’d call Mitt Romney and see if he’d make you one of those $10,000 bets on whether or not the Justice Department is going to pre-clear Voter ID.  You bet NO and cut me in on that deal.

And, yes, I had a grand time at the speech and got to sit front and center with good friends.

By the way, you know that voter fraud thing that we Democrats are supposedly always committing?  Well, lookie here:

A Baltimore jury Tuesday found Paul Schurick, former Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr.’s campaign manager, guilty of fraud and related charges for his role in an Election Day 2010 robocall — a decision hailed by government watchdog groups who say that for too long dirty tricks have tainted Maryland politics.

The robocall, sent to thousands of voters as Democratic Gov. Martin O’Malley swept to a re-election victory, was designed to suppress black votes by telling recipients to “relax” and assuring them that O’Malley had been successful even though the polls had not yet closed, the jury found. The call was scripted to give the impression it was coming from Democrats, not Republicans, jurors said.

Ain’t that something?

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up on the voter fraud thingy.

Okay, so Juanita has some inside sources who said I could tell you this about the redistricting damn mess in San Antonio.

The Democrats, all of them, want one primary election in Texas, no matter when the Supremes rule. One primary on April 3rd will be fine with us. The Republicans are split down the middle. The candidates want one primary, but the party wants to protect Rick Perry from getting his butt beat by Ron Paul by having a split primary. This will cost every county in Texas about the same as landing on Boardwalk will two hotels.

Consequently, because of Republicans, we have a mess bigger than a herd of three year olds with finger paints. Nobody knows where the district lines are – even including precincts – when the election is, when the true filing deadline for public office is, how we are going to pay for it, or where we vote. Cool, huh?

I was raised in Texas so I know a thing or eleven about honky tonks.  I’ve also seen a bar fight or two.  So, I was stunned, stunned I tell you, to hear of some scientific study that apparently cost a lot of money, come to a conclusion that I would have given them for $1.98 and a Lone Star.

A recent study shows that the dance floor is the most likely place for fights to break out inside a large drinking establishment. The findings suggest that roughly 20 percent of the most harmful incidents took place on the floor itself; another 13 percent of them occurred near it.

Yep.  The dance floor.  I want to know what idiot suspected it was the rectory.

You don’t fight near the bar because you’re liable to break a full bottle.  You don’t fight in the parking lot because there’s gravel in the parking lot.  I have heard of assault with a toilet seat but that’s become rarer now that scientific studies have shown that to be the weapon of choice for people who already have a few social diseases so what the hell.

You fight on the dance floor because then you have an audience.  Which is the whole purpose of a bar fight.  There are rarely private bar fights.

There’s also the fights following the bar fight at the trailer park.  Those get noisy and usually involve a deer rifle  just to draw a crowd. If you hear a deer rifle at the trailer park, run the other way.  And, for God’s sake, don’t hold your hands over your head like antlers.  I’m just saying.

Phew!  I don’t know about you, but I’m breathing a sign of relief.

Newt has signed a pledge to not commit adultery.  Seriously.

Yep, them pledges of fidelity have worked real well on him in the past.

I am wondering.  What if we elect him and he starts flirting with some other country?  I mean, what if he leaves us for … I dunno, Rick Perry’s Solyanda?

I hate to be tacky, but I think maybe Newt’s waistline may be his biggest problem in this whole hanky panky thing.  He has a growing case of winkydo.  You know, where his stomach sticks out more than his winky do. Maybe that’s why his wife has to wear a helmet.  I dunno.

Thanks to Jimbo for the heads up.

The entire World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. is closing down today to go to Austin to hear Attorney General Eric Holder speak at the Lyndon Baines Johnson Library.  The topic of his speech is voting rights.

Now, I don’t have a crystal ball and even Juanita, with all her various acclaimed skills, can’t tell the future, but we are betting that Attorney General Holder isn’t coming all the way to Austin to tell the Texas Legislature that the Justice Department thinks Voter ID is the dandiest thing since Bull Connor released the dogs.

I mean, that would be kinda like taking a leak on Lyndon’s grave right there at his library.

We are betting that he chose Austin for this speech to honor the Voting Rights Acts of 1965.

I have WordPress on my iPhone so I can update along the way as necessary.  I will also update tonight.  I will be tweeting the event live (if they’ll let me) under my twit name – crabbait.  I’ll use #holder as the hashtag.  I really don’t understand this tweeting thing so you’ll have to be patient with me.  Anytime I do it right, just remind yourself that even blind squirrels can sometimes find acorns.

The event starts at 6:00 at the LBJ Library (or “liberry,” as LBJ used to say).  If you’re in Austin and believe in civil rights, you might want to stop by.