Oh, Republicans, you are such helpful people.

There’s a Republican running for congress in Michigan named Kerry Bentivolio who used to be a school teacher.  I say used to be because he resigned.  After loads of complaints that he’s meaner than a two stinger yellow jacket.

Bless his heart, Mr. Bentivolio has all the personal appeal of a mud fence.  But apparently that’s his best quality.  He thought it was fun to intimidate students.  That’s the Republican bully in his soul – the thug in him came out in front of kids.

Kerry Bentivolio, a Milford Republican candidate for the 11th Congressional District in Michigan (Oakland and Wayne counties — the Romneys grew up in Oakland County Michigan), told his students his goal was to make them cry and he added, “You’re just a paycheck to me.”

Dude, you have no idea what you are to me.  Wanna hear it?  I thought not.

Anyway, the Detroit Free Press outlined Mr. Bentivolio’s abuse of power of students, which included, “that he had one goal: to make each one of them cry at least once,” and “intimidating and threatening students by grabbing their desks and yelling in their faces or for slamming his fists on their desks.”

I dunno, maybe congressional power might go to his head and he’ll start walking down the street knocking walkers out from under old ladies or shoving medicare patients off cliffs.  Think of the fun he’d have with that.

Congressional Republicans:  we’re nothing but a paycheck to them.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.

Those of you who so generously donated to help us buy bags for our Get Out The Vote Effort, I have not forgotten about your yard signs.

They came in today!  I will spend this weekend writing your names on them and sending them to you by email.  Your postcards have been addressed and are ready to mail from Charlotte during the convention.

If any of you missed this rare and valuable opportunity, we are now raising money to buy a big ole newspaper ad.

And, I have 20 more postcards I can mail from the convention.

Those of you who are given are the best!

Most of you know that Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen just really, really hates Citizens United.  In fact, he has named the big ole dumpster trash bin outback “Citizens United,” along with two of the urinals in men’s room.

You don’t have to take that on faith, either, because we got Jim Bob over at Happy Hollow Trailer Park to go in take a picture of it for us.  The third urinal is named Dubya, which kinda lets you know how much Alfredo really, really hates Citizen United.  We didn’t get a picture of that because it’s mostly smudged off from overuse.

Anyway, Alfredo has been spending his spare time working on a project to let average citizens, like you and me (and I’m just taking it on faith here that you’re average like me and not some multimillionaire looking to give me a big book contract) have a say-so in politics when we band together.

After months and months of work, Alfredo’s dream has come true.

President Obama’s reelection campaign will begin accepting donations sent by text messages this week, marking the first foray into a potentially lucrative new avenue of grass-roots fundraising for federal candidates.

The program, announced by campaign officials early Thursday, will allow supporters to send contributions of less than $50 by texting “GIVE” to 62262 — which corresponds with the letters in “Obama.”

And all this was brought about by two lawyers who thought it was a great idea to have a “Big Bang” in political contributions by regular folks at all levels of political campaigns, not just President Obama. This is a very big deal!

So, if you need a hero today, I want you to think about two lawyers who made a major difference in campaign finance.  They equaled the scales a little.  They did the hard work.  And they used Alfredo’s urinal.

If you want to leave a message for Alfredo, letting him know that his hard work is deeply appreciated by all good Americans, here’s where to do it.

Thanks to Alfredo … for everything.

It’s like somebody popped the balloon and the Republican Party has been flying around the room backwards making really offensive sounds for a week now.

Now we have a Republican sheriff candidate in New Hampshire.

When asked what he would do if he saw a doctor performing a perfectly legal abortion, Frank Szabo had a handy answer.

Six Shootin' Szabo

“I would respond specifically by saying that if someone is under threat, a full-grown human being, if they’re under threat, what should the sheriff do? Everything in their power to prevent them from being harmed,” he said.

When pressed about what he would do if he learned that a doctor was about to perform an elective abortion, Szabo replied he would do what it took to prevent that from happening.

“Absolutely,” he said. “Well, I would hope that it wouldn’t come to that, as with any situation where someone is in danger, but again, specifically talking about elective abortions and late-term abortions, that is an act that needs to be stopped.”

Holy crap.  That means he’s going to go six-shooting his way into an abortion clinic and kill a doctor for doing something legal.  The next question just has to be, “And you have the authority to do this six shooting under the law of  ….”

Szabo maintains that the county sheriff is a position that doesn’t answer to any other public official.

So, Thelma is packing my bags right now because I’m gonna move to New Hampshire and run for sheriff.  I’ve always wanted to be God, by gawd.

However, Szabo sobered up the next day and said he was sorry.  “In making comments yesterday, I let my passionate stance against abortion get the better of me,” he drooled.

Or, maybe he was sober when he made the statement and drunk when he made the apology.  That’s a voting booth crap shoot if I ever saw one.

Well I don’t know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain’t right,
I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I’m wondering how I’ll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Yes I’m stuck in the middle with you,
And I’m wondering what it is I should do,
It’s so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I’m all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

.

You already know about East Texas – where the crazy folks like Louie Gohmert want to make everybody behave exactly how they say.

Well, then there’s West Texas.  Where they just can’t wait to kill you.

Lubbock County Judge Tom Head needs to raise taxes and being a great conservative he needed to give people a reason why he needs to raise taxes other than the fact that if you want to find Lubbock on the map, you have to look up Hellhole.

So, Tom gets to explaining to the local paper why exactly he’s raising taxes.

Judge Head said he and the county must be prepared for many contingencies, one that he particularly fears, is if President Obama is reelected.

“He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN, and what is going to happen when that happens?,” Head asked.

“I’m thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we’re talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.

“Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ’em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’.

“And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him, I said ‘you gonna back me’ he said, ‘yeah, I’ll back you’. Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me.”

Judge Tom, first off, nobody is coming to Lubbock.  It’s a hellhole.  It’s hot as a frying pan in the summer, colder than a witch’s boob in a brass bra in the winter, and one damn crappy place in between.  You can’t pay people to come to Lubbock.  Hell, son, you could offer starving people in China a fancy condo in Lubbock and they wouldn’t take it.

Tom Head: Raising Taxes Because He Wants To

Second off, I do not care how seasoned your police are, they cannot take out a predator drone or the United States Marines.  And there would be thousands of them — all whining about being in damn Lubbock.

Third off, where the hell do you get your news?  I want to know because there’s got to be drunk people living in that isolated cabin the woods broadcasting crazy over the airwaves.  Personally, Tom, I think they know they’re jacking with you and are rolling around with a bottle of tequila laughing about you making a damfool of yourself in public.  East Texas has the distributorship on crazy and they’re liable to sue you for infringement.

Fourth off, just fess up that you’re real bad at government and so you have to raise taxes.  Don’t be threatening to overthrow the United States of Damn American just because you screwed up the county budget.

Fifth off, please move to Arizona.  Middle Texas is getting nervous.

Thanks to Sandy for the first heads up!

Remember the old, old, oh so damn old teevee show called I’ve Got a Secret?

That’s Mitt Romney.  He’s got secret tax returns, secret plans for the economy, secret underwear, and now secret energy plans.

During a Houston fundraiser, Romney told a room of about 125 donors that he planned to unveil his comprehensive energy plan this week. He said his proposal will specifically relate to fossil-based fuels. But then, he said no more.

“I know that we have members of the media here right now, so I’m not going to go through that in great detail,” Romney said, according to a pool report from the event.

Dude, he was in Houston.  Once the reporters left, you know he hollered, “Drill, baby, drill!”

Good Lord, if they had a Republican who could count past 8 without using his fingers, this guy would never have gotten the nomination.

By the way, the ozone level in Houston yesterday was was at 111, which classifies as  — “UNHEALTHY Everyone may begin to experience health effects.”  And, in other news, Mitt Romney says he would end United States wind power subsidies, because, you know, they make the wind move and that can’t be good for you.