I think its cute when Texas politicians think that the entire country isn’t kinda giggling at Texas’s prospects of ever returning to the White House.

First there was failed one-term Bush.  Next came oh my God what the hell is he doing Bush, who almost single handedly destroyed America by choking on the flag and burning some popcorn or something.  Then came doofus Governor oops.

Now we have commie counting Ted Cruz dragging his tent to Iowa, leaving us in Texas hoping that they have poisonous snakes in Iowa campgrounds.

I want to make it real clear that I’m not saying that Rick Perry is gay.  I’m not saying that because Glen Maxey already did.  I am also not saying that maybe Ted Cruz is going to Iowa to follow Rick because there might be a crush involved here.  I’m not saying that because … oh hell, everybody else is.

However, if those two fellas get into a spat there will be slappin’ and spittin’ all the way to Ohio.

Anyway, Cruz didn’t have a welcoming party in Iowa.

Some local Republicans went all goofy, saying that we damn liberal don’t respect personal property.

.

You mean personal property like vaginas and uterus?

And, hey, I’m not sure of Ted Cruz and Rick Perry being in Iowa caused this, but I’m sure it didn’t help.  I couldn’t stay sober with those two around either.

Thanks to Dave for the heads up.

Usually when we say “crap in Austin,” we mean legislation coming our of the State House.

But that phrase has taken a turn for the worse.

When the Department of Public Safety Troopers confiscated tampons from the public trying to enter the state senate gallery, they justified it by saying the also found several bottles of “feces and urine.”  Not surprisingly, the feces and urine were in invisible bottles.  There is no record, no pictures, and until yesterday, no eyewitnesses.

David Dewhurst: Texas State Tool

Then along comes Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, a man of recent political bad fortune, having lost to Ted Cruz, the ultimate humiliation for someone who can read and write.  Dewhurst claims he saw it with his own two eyes.

Dewhurst told Toby Marie Walker of the Waco Tea Party in a web-streamed interview that he “walked over to where [DPS] was screening” and saw DPS personnel “smelling” water bottles. “They had urine in it,” he said. Dewhurst, a former CIA operative, also said he saw DPS setting aside bags of feces to throw away.

Oh yes, in Texas, we encourage our Troopers to perform field tests of any suspicious fluids just in case it’s sarin gas, lysteria or medically toxic fluids.  Hell, Troopers are a dime a dozen.

Now I know there is not a chance in hell that Lt. Gov Dewhurst would lie to impress the Tea Party crowd who did not support him before and who he needs now.  But how the tarnation are you going to make a bunch of women defending their Constitutional rights look evil unless they are crap-toting witches?  His exact quote?

“Absolutely and it’s the same as myself I walked over to where they were screening and they were getting bottles out and smelling them, they were getting water bottles out and smelling and they had urine in it. And there were bags they had set aside and were going to put in the trash and throw it out, of feces. Just despicable. Despicable.”‘

Despicable me.

But it gets even better.

Rick Wiles, a radio preacher, got himself an eyewitness to the march on Austin who saw what really, really happened.

According to Wiles, the behavior of the pro-choice activists was literally demonic as “raw Satanic sewage coming up out of Hell” was running through the streets of Austin before he went on to warn that the “Obamanistas” are just biding their time until they can carry out a “mass slaughter of Christians”

Honey, if there was anything running through the streets of drought plagued Austin they’d call the priests to say a blessing over it.

However, there is one photograph of the bags of feces in Austin:

There is a reason we need a big ole wall around Texas.

One of us got caught today.

A shirtless man arrested on Tuesday near the White House with a loaded handgun and two knives told officers he was, according to court documents, “only going to fire a couple of shots if no one confronted me,” NBC4 Washington reports.

Christopher Wade Briggs also reportedly had a container of alcohol at the time of his arrest, which was precipitated when, according to The Hill, a Secret Service officer “allegedly saw him take a .45-calibur handgun out of his backpack and attach it to his belt.”

Briggs, who is from Texas, was arrested in Layayette Park, just north of the White House.

You know, this really isn’t fair.  Everything he did is legal in Texas.  That’s called Second Amendment Drunk in Texas law books and carries a fine of $1.75

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Now, if you remember properly, the last time we were all in Austin, Texas, fighting for our constitutionally guaranteed rights as women, the Republicans repeatedly told us that their plan to close abortion clinics in Texas was not about abortion but about women’s health and safety.

We knew at the time that was caca del toro.  And we were right.

Called “The Texas Heartbeat Bill,” this sucker would outlaw abortions as soon as a fetal heartbeat can be detected.

“A person may not knowingly perform or induce or attempt to perform or induce an abortion on a pregnant woman with the specific intent of causing or abetting the termination of the life of the unborn child if it has been determined, in accordance with Section 171.103, that the unborn child has a detectable heartbeat,” the bill states.

That can be six weeks – before a woman even knows she’s pregnant.

The bill was introduced in the current special session by State Rep Phil King, a very creepy man who may eat babies when nobody is looking.   He’s kind of a prissy guy, too. I don’t like him and always will.

Now you might ask yourself how can a doctor detect a fetal heartbeat at 6 weeks pregnant.  You, of course, use a phallic shaped instrument called a transvaginal probe.  Not you, actually, because you’re not that weird.  But, somebody does and my theory is that Phil King wants it to be him.  Look at that man, Sister.  There’s something wrong with him.

So, if Phil King wants to be known henceforth as Probe King, I think he should be required to carry one of these suckers around at all times on the house floor with that grin on his face.  He can use it as a pointer, a pretend weapon if gun play breaks out, or something to shove in his ear.  I do not care, but he should have to remind every woman in Texas what he personally wants to do to us.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

There’s some weird stuff in Colorado.

Now I ain’t saying this has anything to do with legalizing weed in Colorado, but I ain’t saying it doesn’t, either.

A small Colorado town is considering whether to issue hunting licenses that would offer residents a bounty for shooting down unnamed drones operated by the U.S. government.

Deer Trail resident Phillip Steel told KMGH that he had already collected enough signatures to put his proposed measure on the ballot.

“We do not want drones in town,” Steel explained. “They fly in town, they get shot down.”

Dude, think physics.  If that sucker is coming down, it’s coming down somedamnplace.  Like maybe on top of me.  I mean, you shoot a dove and that’s not gonna hurt real bad if it comes falling outta the clear blue sky and hits me.  A drone, maybe.  In fact, I’m betting it would.  I’m pretty sure it would.

Steel wants to pay money for drone pelts.  “To qualify for the $100 bounty, hunters would have to present a whole or nearly intact drone. But drone parts would be worth $25.”  I do not know is taxidermy is permitted.

Although Steel admits that he has not seen a drone flying over Deer Trail, Customs and Border Protection does fly Predator drones on surveillance missions over the U.S. border. Those drones come at a cost of about $18 million each — and the destruction of federal property is against the law.

Chezzz …. Steel is a cheapskate, ain’t he?  $100 in exchange for $18 million?  Does he run WalMart or something?

Do not hunt these with Dick Cheney.

Yeah, it’s the weed.  Gotta be the weed.

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.

Texas Comptroller Susan Combs is not running for reelection.  With Rick Perry hiking the Nobel Peace Prize Trail, Texas Republicans are playing musical officeholder chairs.  They are all scampering around to fill the idiot void in Texas elective office.

My personal State Senator, Glen Hegar, the man behind the anti-choice bill, wants to be comptroller.  There only two things working against him.  (1)  He’s dumber than dog dump, and (2) you know how they say that politics is show business for ugly people?  They met Glen Hegar.

Bless his heart, he kinda makes your eyes fog over.

I suspect the Republicans were willing to let him be comptroller because the comptroller doesn’t have to come out into the light of day too often.

But after he hacked off enough Texas women to staff a space program, he’s got some Republican competition.  State Rep. Harvey Hilderbran has decided to take him on.

And what to Republicans like more than they even hate women?  Money.

So, Hilderbran’s campaign rolled his state representative money into his new campaign account and puffed themselves up with – get ready for this term – “fundraising prowess” to show they have lots of support.

Now in Texas, politicians rarely talk (see #1 above) but let their consultants do the talking.

“How can people trust Harvey Hilderbran to give an accurate revenue estimate if he can’t give an accurate report of his campaign finances,” said Hegar consultant Todd M. Smith.

Hilderbran consultant Matt Mackowiak responded, “How can Texas voters trust a candidate for comptroller who hires a consultant who doesn’t understand basic accounting terms?”

More importantly, how can Texans support any guy who is paying people money to make second grade faces at each other?  I mean, both those candidates paid cash American money for that.

They say that about five more people are entering that race.  Let’s hope they get some who can throw spitballs.