There are several things that scare the crap outta me before I’ve even had my first cup of coffee in the morning, and of those things, this is #1.  This headline.  This one right here.  In the morning newspaper.  This.

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On the truthiness side, it most certainly would have to be God calling him because nobody else sure the hell is.

While most of you were ignoring him, I have been keeping an eye on Tom ever since he got indicted, mainly because he lives down the road from me and until they prove that sleezy is not contagious, I am keeping my distance.  Once he left congress, Tom tried one scheme after another to make money.  Most of them would make a monthly posting on his website before the scheme flopped and crashed, until he finally got down to just begging money off a damn street corner.  Click the little one to see the big one.

The guy has quit everything he ever tried – the exterminating business, congress, Dancing With the Stars, the book writing circuit … he’s a whiner and wimp and that’s the damn truth.

In case you were wondering, Tom DeLay hasn’t found Jesus.  It’s just his sideshow.  He says Jesus tells him to do things and then he doesn’t have to accept responsibility when he falls on his face.  Also, it sounds a whole lot better than, “My Momma said I have to ….”

So now he’s leading a revolution.  Thank you, Poncho Villa.

Former Texas congressman Tom DeLay called on members of the Texas Patriot Tea Party on Tuesday night to join him in a revolution for the Constitution, to “shut down” every part of federal government that is not specifically based on the Constitution.

“It’s time for a constitutional renewal, a constitutional revival,” DeLay said in Burleson, adding that this revival is inherently linked to a “spiritual awakening” he sees happening across the country. He said conservatives have allowed “the left to intimidate us, cut off our heads, put us in prison.”

Holy crap, Dude, that was you.  You led the conservatives.  You’re late to the Tea Party game.  You invented the politics of personal destruction and now you’re leading a revolution against it?  Don’t you get dizzy sometime?

And here’s the part that makes me giggle like a little girl.

“It’s time for a revolution,” DeLay said. “I am not advocating for revolution in the streets. But if that’s what it takes … ”

Oh Tom, oh Honey, you’re 5′ 4″, chubby, 67 years old, balding, and have had a face lift or two.  Just think how fabulous you’re gonna look taking it to the streets.

The Burleson City Council

Plus, Tom was in Burleson, Texas, making this speech.  I go to Burleson every now and then because I like being the youngest person in town.  Burleson is 95.62 white and the median income for a family is $50,432.   Yeah, for sure, those people need to be supporting the Tea Party.

Tom has a plan to gain control of the government by having the Tea Party win the House because “the House controls the purse strings.”  He also warned them to protect Ted Cruz.

“You will lose Ted Cruz. They will destroy him if you don’t support him,” DeLay warned.

No, no, no, Darlin’, we’re sitting on our hands because Ted Cruz is doing a perfectly competent job of destroying himself.

So the bottom line is that Tom DeLay has a new gig – he wants to make money by selling God and the Constitution.  Break a leg, Tom.

Oh, and Tom compares his years of being indicted and convicted to being like Moses in the wilderness.  He better watch that Messiah Complex because I think Ted Cruz has the third coast distribution rights on it.

Tom, while you were away, our cow died.  So we won’t be needing your bull anymore.

You read it here first.

Democratic congressman Raul Ruiz, an emergency room doctor who scored an upset victory over congresswoman Mary Bono in California, was on a flight to Texas when a passenger collapsed.

Ruiz stabilized the collapsed patient before the plane landed in Raleigh, according to a tweet by Rep. Pete Gallego, D-Texas, who was on the same flight.

“Hope @CongressmanRuiz is on all my flights home,” Gallego tweeted, using Ruiz’s Twitter handle. “An emergency room dr by training, was impressive to see him in action. He saves lives!”

Just another case of stinkin’ government health care.

Thanks to Mary for the heads up.

Herman Cain is back, Honey!

Cain, who dropped out of the Presidential race when three women came forward attesting that he’s a creep, denied all of it.  But, he said it was “distracting” from his quest to be President.

He’s still denying it but he finally figured out who started all these rumors.

Then he speculated as to who may have orchestrated the allegations: the Devil.

“It made me realize that there was a force bigger than right,” Cain said.

Damn that devil!  He apparently did the same thing to John Edwards.

Thanks to Carl from Cheboygan for the heads up.

So, the story starts with Senator Dick Durbin posting on Facebook that a member of the Republican House leadership told President Obama, “I cannot even stand to look at you.”

Durbin did not name the Republican leader.

A day later the White House denied it happened.

And the next day, which would be today, comes the information that Harry Reid is the source of the story.   And there’s this —

The two senators who spoke to HuffPost did not hear the Republican make the remark, but said a top White House aide who was present later told Senate Democratic leaders that the lawmaker who said he couldn’t stand to look at the president was Rep. Pete Sessions (R-Texas), the chairman of the House Rules Committee.

I am not saying that sounds exactly like something Pistol Pete Sessions would say, but you know what, dammit that sounds exactly like something that Pistol Pete Sessions would say.  I’d be willing to bet my best pair of pink boots that if he did not say it to President Obama’s face, he’s certainly said it behind his back.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Thanks to Carol for the heads up.

Well, it’s a different approach to the war on drugs —

Chino Elementary School was visited by the drug prevention cops.  They brought along a motorcycle “on display” with a mounted AR-15 rifle on it and that’s where the fun starts.

A student approached the motorcycle and – you guessed it – fiddled with the trigger.

The clean up involved three injured students and no clear explanation of why a motorcycle with a mounted AR-15 discourages drug use and, mostly, don’t cops know what kids do?

She described the weapon as an AR-15 that was locked onto the bike. They were investigating how the weapon discharged and she said “there are several fail-safes in place” to prevent a discharge.

They had not determined how the weapon was fired, she said.

Well, I’m certainly no expert, but it sounds to me like somebody pulled the trigger.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.

Glenn Beck has declared war against Grover Norquist.

That kinda reads like poetry meant to gladden the heart of mankind.

Norquist, a free market Republican who wants to shrink government down to a size where it can be drowned in a bathtub, declared that Ted Cruz is a nincompoop and that’s when the fun started.

So, Beck, who is a we-want-government-so-big-that-it’s-in-your-uterus Republican did not react well to his bro being dissed.  So Beck went full-nazi on Norquist.

“[Norquist] is the guy responsible for a lot of the Muslim Brotherhood stuff that goes on in the White House, isn’t he?” Beck asked the two.

“Glenn, I think most people who know Grover only as a prominent anti-tax guy in the conservative movement would find that statement unbelievable, and to be honest with you I would’ve, but for the fact that I saw it first-hand as a result of sharing office space for what I think of seven biblically long years with Grover Norquist,” Gaffney remarked.  “I saw terrorists in his office space. I had colleagues come to me and say, ‘You know there’s a Muslim Brotherhood front operating out of his office suite?’”

Oh Sweet Jesus, Norquist is a Muslim Brotherhood member … just.  like.  you.  know.  who.

It all makes sense now.  Norquist wants to drown government in the bathtub so he can bring sharia law to America.  I dunno know about you, but I’m telling every Republican I know about that.

And Beck ends with this happy tune —

“If you’re for the Constitution, I don’t care if you’re a liberal or a Democrat or a Republican and a conservative, I don’t really care, if you’re for the Constitution of the United States of America,” Beck said. “That’s our dividing line, and there are too many in the Republican Party, so let’s clean out our own house first.”

If you boys need any Gatorade or sling shots or background music or anything at all, please feel free to contract us here in the appreciative audience.

Thanks to Carol in Vermont for the heads up.