Oh yeah, Dick Cheney is doing a Playboy interview.  I guess he wanted to be among all those other boobs.

I really don’t know what else to say.

I thought it was one of those satire things.

No, siree, he’s blameless, flawless, and as judgmental as ever.

“I look at Barack Obama and I see the worst president in my lifetime, without question — and that’s saying something. I used to have significant criticism of Jimmy Carter, but compared to Barack Obama and the damage he is doing to the nation — it’s a tragedy, a real tragedy, and we are going to pay a hell of a price just trying to dig out from under his presidency.”

Dick!  Dick!  Get a damn mirror, you cloistered son of a motherless goat.

I cannot begin to imagine what rattles around in his empty head.  In August of 2011 he said his book was going to have “heads exploding” all over DeeCee.  That did not happen.  Everyone said, “Crazzzzzy Uncle Dick is bloviating again.”  He thought the “last throes of the insurgency” was just around the corner where “we will be welcomed as liberators,” so who cares what he thinks now.

When Cheney left office his approval rating was 13% and it hasn’t come up one damn point since then.

He’s a damn criminal at home and abroad.  I am certain that President wears Cheney’s disapproval as a badge of honor.

Sumbitch.  He’s a sumbitch.

Thanks to Mike for the heads up.

Pastor John Hagee of the the Cornerstone Church in San Antonio – which is also called Six Flags Over Jesus – has been warning us about this.

We’re having four complete lunar eclipses six months apart.  Hagee warns that this fulfills the Biblical prophesy of “blood on the moon.”  Total lunar eclipses are called blood moons because the moon turns red during them.  It’s not, you know, actual blood.

The first two eclipses were on April 25, 2013, and April 15, 2014.  Nothing major happened, much to Hagee’s  chagrin.  However, it did give him time to sell more books.  The next one is scheduled for April 4th.  That’s the day before Easter.  Woo wee woo.

“I believe that the heavens are God’s billboard, that he has been sending signals to planet Earth,” he explained. “God is literally screaming at the world, ‘I’m coming soon.'”

Hagee predicted that the four eclipses were signaling a “world-shaking event that will happen between April 2014 and October 2015.”

Well hell’s bells, John.  That’s like, I dunno, over a year or something.  It’s 18 months to be exact.  Damn straight something will happen in 18 months.

Anyway, John has two full pages of books about blood on the moon, which seems kinda like he needs an intervention.

The last of the four blood moons is on March 23, 2016, so I seriously doubt anything major is gonna happen until then because, think about it, why would God reserve the billboard space if he knows it ain’t gonna happen.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.

Ted Cruz announced his intentions to make a damn fool of himself from sea to shining sea.

He forgot to register TedCruz.com.  Some else did.

He’s still denying climate change, a fact that caused California Governor Jerry Brown to quip, “And that man betokens such a level of ignorance and a direct falsification of existing scientific data. It’s shocking and I think that man has rendered himself absolutely unfit to be running for office.”

Andy Horowitz had the most fun of his life —

Disturbed Man Tries to Get Into White House

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A disturbed Canadian man wants to try to get into the White House, according to reports.

The man, who was born in Calgary before drifting to Texas, has been spotted in Washington, D.C. in recent years exhibiting erratic behavior, sources said.

And Ted tripped on the facts about the IRS, which is an agency he wants to abolish.  Cruz said there are 110,000 IRS agents.  He wants to send them to the border to stab Mexicans with their pencils.

In the real world, there are 16,000 IRS agents which is real close to 110,000 if you’re thinking in astronomical terms.

And appropriately this twit announced his candidacy on Twitter, shortly after midnight aiming, of course, to drunk college students.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Y’all, it’s Texas Huge Homely Honkin’ Homophobe Day tomorrow at the state capitol in Austin.  None, absolutely none, of the cool kids will  be there.

Jesus has other plans that day, too.

Please make plans to attend the Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally scheduled for Monday, March 23rd at 1:00 pm on the south steps of the Texas Capitol. Please encourage your family, friends and fellow church members to attend.

Judge Roy Moore from the Aladamnbama Supreme Court will be there to lead Hate A Gay chants and explain once again why his son is a whining weenie, which is so much better than being gay.

They say that “over 100 elected State Officials” are sponsoring the event.  However, they didn’t have a disclaimer that some of them are so damn hateful that they should count twice.  There’s fines for that kind of stuff.

So, steer clear of Austin on Monday because the gay people who are terrified of being gay are taking over the south steps of the capitol.

The happy gays will be on the north steps.  They have rainbows.

Thanks to Herb for the heads up.

The Proprietor and Staff of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., in upscale downtown Richmond, Texas, wish to announce the following:

Through the miracle of modern journalism we have just been informed that Senator Ted Cruz of the formerly Great State of Texas is going to announce tomorrow that he’s running for President of the United Damn States of America.

We are thrilled.

Ever since we heard Ted’s father, Rafael, announce that his son was “anointed to bring about a great transfer of wealth” we have breathlessly waited to see if we’re gonna be on the gettin’ or the givin’ end of that deal because Thelma needs new trailer and Verdelia has her eye on a leopard skinned golf cart.

We could use some wealth.

It’s always fun to have a seriously deranged man run for President.

Honey, when this one falls, it’s gonna spectacular.  I’m talking fireworks and crepe paper.

And to memorialize his days of wandering the dorm halls at Harvard in his paisley housecoat, John built us this.

This is gonna be a blast, y’all!

Remember how I used to tell you stories about our sheriff in my county who was so old that he still owed Noah a dollar?  And all the weird things that happened when he had an idea?

Well, he finally retired and we doubled down on goofy by electing this guy – Troy Nehls.

Nehls don’t know much about law enforcement and even less about social media. And science, math, the English language, his colors …. pretty much everything.

His office sent out a press release yesterday all excited that they had discovered a mess of credit cards, social security cards, driver’s licenses and wallets at a local picture show theater.  The process of discovering these wallets and credit cards – no cash – seems a little sketchy on its own.  But, it’s what they did after they discovered them that takes the cake.

The Fort Bend Sheriff’s Office just sent a press release to news outlets all over Texas that revealed the credit card, checking account, Social Security, and driver’s license numbers of hundreds of people. You see, the email contained a photo of these items that were kept in a lost and found room at the Santikos Palladium theaters in Richmond.

A few seconds later, the Sheriff’s Office sent another email saying that, on second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a great idea.

Yeah well, they put it on Facebook, too, asking people to come forward if they know who owns any of these credit cards.

How hard could it be to read the name on a driver’s license and look that up person or go to their home?  I’m just saying ….

Thanks, Sheriff, for letting the entire world laugh at Reba Frontage’s, of 2019 Avenue G, Rosenberg, Texas’ driver’s license picture.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.