In Texas, we described a great weather day as being a nakkid on the back porch kind of day.

Some dude in North Carolina took that very seriously.

Brian Tracy Carroll, a 45 year old guy who looks like he ate his brother, got all hacked off at his neighbor and decided, perhaps rightly so, that the worst thing he could do to that neighbor in retaliation is to sit in the backyard in a lawn chair and that’s all.

They say he did have a towel around his neck although I’m not sure if the guy has a neck.

Deputies asked Carroll if he had threatened his neighbors by saying that he had an AK-47 and “knew how to use it.” Carroll said that he did make the statement, then laughed, according to the report.

I suspect that’s funny because why would you even ask.  Of course he did.  Duh.

Thanks to Victoria for the heads up.

Thank Yew, Kentucky!

Well, I’ve heard of shotgun weddings, but really where grandma get shot.

Detective Cory Golightly was attending a wedding in a church.  He adjusted his jacket, his gun fell out, went off, and shot his mother.

Church members seemed a tad surprised that thing “weren’t chaotic.”

“He was so calm,” she said. “He said, ‘Mom, breathe and be calm. Be calm.'”

Yeah Mom, don’t pull out your own gun and shoot me.

Thanks to Da Chipster for the heads up.

I could not be more excited.

The Republican Party breeds little monsters, feds them carefully and nurtures them, then sets them loose.  And then Holy Smokes, the little monsters come back to eat Republicans.

You guys remember James O’Keffe and Hannah Giles, the pretend pimp and hooker who doctored ACORN tapes to get themselves publicity?  And how I told you about Hannah’s grandmother being a big deal in the Republican Party in my county and how proud she was that her granddaughter, who had never had acting lessons, could pass herself off as a hooker and how that just didn’t seem proper braging material for a grandmother?  And how Congressman Pete Olson, at grandmother’s insistence, got Hannah and James honored at the House of Representatives of the the whole United States of Damn America?

Then the plot thickens when O’Keefe, who I call Mr. Snappypants, and Hannah’s husband, Joseph Basel, break into Senator Mary Landrieu’s husband.

Joseph Basel

Well now Hannah and her husband Joseph have taken their show to Austin, where crazy people don’t stand out, and called it American Phoenix Foundation.

And what, you ask, does The American Phoenix Foundation do?

Oh, I can hardly wait to tell you.

An Austin-based nonprofit with ties to activists arrested in the past for targeting legislators in other states has collected hundreds of hours of secretly recorded video footage of Texas lawmakers to use against them in the upcoming election cycle, a representative from the group confirmed Tuesday.

The undercover video campaign represents a new front by conservative groups to target incumbent Republicans and tilt the Texas Legislature further to the right.

Okay, so I know you are asking yourself how in hell could Texas be further to the right?  Is that even possible considering the laws of physics?

Okay, if you are a woman and you live in Texas, are you wearing a burqa yet?  Well see, there ya go. And you know how several Republicans do not believe there’s going to a military takeover of Texas? Well, that’s several too many.

So, the Basels have hired about 16 people with hidden cameras to follow around the more moderate Republican state reps and senators to blindside them in restaurants and out with their families to secretly tape them.  They claim to have 800 hours of secret tapes they will use in ads against these moderate incumbents.

The little chickens have come home to roost!  And Democrats are snickering at all the whining.

“It’s like they were almost stalking us,” said Rep. Patricia Harless, R-Spring, who navigated a detour through the Capitol with another female lawmaker last Friday to avoid the group.

“It’s a sleazy campaign tactic,” state Rep. Charlie Geren, a Fort Worth Republican who was approached three times last week, said of the secret videotaping. “There’s some real scumbags in this business.”

But, Charlie, Honey, they are YOUR scumbags.  You taught them to do these things and honored them when they did.

I didn’t hear you hollering scumbag or stalking when they were breaking into a Democratic Senator’s office or unfairly altering a recording causing an African American woman to lose her job. Oh no, no whining then.

Hey Guys, you made your bed.  Now nighty night.

Thanks to Lorraine in Spring for the heads up.

Crooks can stop robbing banks because there’s now a simpler way to take money that ain’t yours.

They are called political Super Pacs.

Allow me to introduce you to the newest entry into the get-rich-thanks-to-Antonin-Salia club.

His name is Michael Galloway and he owns Your Catholic Voice Foundation, a nonprofit supposedly feeding children and stopping abortions.  But mainly, it’s keeping Michael Galloway living high on the hog.

Galloway was indicted for tax evasion in June of last year.

For the four charged years, Galloway reported an income of $13,241 (2003); $28,846 (2004); -$60,438 (2005); and -$37,438 (2006), yet paid personal bills during those years of $167,318 (2003); $170,004 (2004); $135,941 (2005); and $178,458 (2006). Cumulatively, the indictment alleges that he underreported his and his spouse’s taxable income during those years by $1,006,167, resulting in an additional tax due and owing of $234,473.

And that ain’t all …

Yeah, the whole Catholic thing didn’t work out for him, so he opened a Super Pac last week called – get ready for it – We Are America.

Ain’t this country great!

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

You know how we only teach abstinence sex education in Texas because that’s all that’s proper and teaching kids about sex will make them just want to have sex?

Score one for the losing team!

KOSA-TV of Odessa and Midland reports the Crane Independent School District sent a letter last week to parents of Crane High School students informing them that 20 cases of chlamydia had been confirmed at the school. Crane High School has an enrollment of about 300 students.

State health officials had notified the district of a significant number of chlamydia cases reported in Crane County and adjacent Upton County.

Yeah, well, the kids figured it out on their own.

Hey, what a cool prom theme:  Chlamydia Through the Years —

Thanks to Susan F for the heads up.

Over in San Angelo, Texas, a man needs to tend to his hygiene or there will be no dance partners over at Smoky Joe’s Dancehall and Bait Camp.

SAN ANGELO, Texas – An Andrews man was arrested Sunday for threatening to shoot a local hotel’s front desk clerk because of a lack of fresh towels.

The clerk was working the counter at Super 8 Motel, 410 W. Avenue L, early Sunday morning when he was approached by an angry patron.

Haughton Dean Laurence, 34, the allegedly intoxicated motel guest shouted and cursed at the clerk, requesting room service for towels, then pulled a handgun from behind his back and placed it on the counter.

He didn’t point it at anybody, but he wanted to make sure the towel delivery wasn’t gonna take all damn night.  A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

The police arrived and booked Mr. Laurence into the Tom Green County Jail, where, wouldn’t you just know it, there are no fresh towels.

Thanks to texasmiatafrank for the heads up.