Our Governor has up and decided that all “fetal material” must be either cremated or buried.

Oh no, it’s not just a sick joke.  It’s reality!

And the reasoning behind it?

… the public benefit anticipated as a result of adopting and enforcing these rules will be enhanced protection of the health and safety of the public.

I’d like to see the name of one person in Texas whose health and safety has been bothered.

But, just to make sure that you might not mistake these cowboys for environmentalist, they also include this little ditty.

This proposal is not intended to protect the environment or reduce risks to human health from environmental exposure.

No, this proposal is the Texas Lawyer Full Employment Act.  We are going to spend about as much as it costs to land on Boardwalk with 5 hotels to make abortion as shameful as possible.

We will, by gawd, spend millions of dollars fighting this to the Supreme Court because (1) we can, and (2) hell, it ain’t our money; it’s yours.

Welcome to Unintended Consequences T’eater. I am your host, Primo’s Uncle Jimmy “Barstool” Grobnik.   In tonight’s episode, we’re lookin’ at da unintended consequences of da RNC – dat’s da Republican National Committee – what dey did dat screwed demselfs and ended up wit’ Donald Trump.

So dere’s dese two guys, right? Da Brudders Koch, which is pronounced like da drink, not like anyt’ing in yer pants, like “crotch” or anyt’ing, down ‘ere. Or Cook, which I never unnerstood how K-O-C-H could soun’ like…

[Uncle Jimmy! ]

Barstool: Right, sorry dere, Primo. So da Koch Brudders, dey wanna run da world so dat dere oil comp’ny makes money forever. So dey put summa dere money in different places so as to influence as broad a spectrum… seriously?

[Just read the script, Uncle Jimmy.]

Barstool: Ah, hell! Just lemme tell it my way. So dere’s dese two a-holes dumpin’ money in every conservative purse dey can find in order to have more clout wit’ every’ting.   An dey especially are lookin’ for some kinda front man so dey can run him for President and really start to take over da joint. In our first scene, dey make dere plans. Hey, PETE! C’mere once.

Pete: Whaddya want?

Barstool: Here, read dis.

Pete(reading): “Script for Unintended Consequences T’eater, Episode 1.”

Barstool: Not dat part, furder down, where my finger is. You be Charles. Right dere, read dat.

Pete(reading): “David, we must protect our fodder’s legacy and da Koch name…” are you kiddin’ me?

Barstool: Primo wrote it, we just gotta read it. Plus it’s “da Coke name” not “da Cotch name.”

Pete: Yeah, fine, but who talks dis way?

Barstool: I dunno. Primo wrote it.

[Guys, maybe we skip to scene two. You be Walker and you be Ryan.]

Barstool: How come we got two jailed ex-Illinois Governors innis?

[They’re not those guys.]

Barstool: Says right here: “Governor Walker.”

[That’s Scott Walker.]

Barstool: I t’ought his name was Dan.

[No, Uncle Jimmy, Dan Walker is dead. This is Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin.]

Pete: Dan Walker died? When?

Barstool: Wisconsin?! You want me to play some cheesehead governor?

[Walker died last year. Uncle Jim, you can play Paul Ryan if you want.]

Pete: Is he dead?

Barstool: Nah, he’s in jail.

[No, that’s GEORGE Ryan and he is NOT dead and he is NO LONGER in jail.]

Barstool: So where is Paul Ryan from?

[He’s the Speaker of the House and he’s from Wisconsin.]

Barstool: You want me to play a cheesehead CONGRESSMAN?

Pete: I’m readin’ ahead, here. Who is Raints… Prius? Pry-bus?

[That’s Reince Priebus. He’s the head of the RNC.]

Barstool: Where’s he from?

[That’s not important, look…]

Pete: Wisconsin?

[Well…]

Barstool: Ah, crap Primo, dontcha have nobody who’s NOT from Wisconsin?

Pete: How ‘bout dem Cotch Brudders?

[Coke! Look, here’s the deal: the plan was to make Scott Walker the President, and Reince Priebus’ only job was to set all that up to make it happen. He moved the primaries around, moved the convention up, and laid all the groundwork for Walker to run.  He was the front-runner, but then a jillion guys jumped in the race and Donald Trump went gonzo and with a solid third of the GOP vote – the most redneck, illiterate, fascist, racist, misogynist cranks ever to punch a chad – Trump built up an early and, as it turns out, insurmountable, lead in the polls. With no money, no traction and an idiot with a chain gun for a mouth galumphing across the debate stages, Walker bailed before even the first vote was cast.]

Pete: So all da moves da GOP did to avoid da problems of 2012 and all da moves da Kochs did to have all dem Badgers runnin’ da place had da unintended consequences of making Trump da nominee?

Barstool: Hence da T’eater name!

[Exactly! Now, can we do this?]

Barstool: WhatforHowcome? You just did. (reading) “Dis completes our Inarguable Presentation of Unintended Consequences T’eater…”

[“Inaugural”]

Pete: What’s dat mean?

Barstool: It means it’s da first one.

Pete: DERE’S GONNA BE MORE?

I was reminded to say this to my Black friends and acquaintances today — I love you. You matter to me, and I support however you respond to this terrible thing in the news today.

 

 

.

Y’all, Gretchen Carlson is saying that Roger Ailes and Fox News wanted s-e-x.  With her.

Yeah, Roger Ailes wanted to have sex, Steve Doocy is douchey, and the whole place is weird for women.  None of that seems to have bothered her until she got fired.

Have you ever watched Fox News, Gretchen?  And you didn’t see this coming?

 

Well, Republican senator Bob Corker of Tennessee was a finalist for the veep slot and had even submitted his tax returns to Trump to be vetted.  Bless his heart, he spent one day with Donald Trump and promptly asked that his name be removed from vice-presidential  consideration.

One day.

Of course, that’s exactly one day more than I could spend with Donald Trump.

Corker issued a statement …

“There are people far more suited for being a candidate for vice president, and I think I’m far more suited for other types of things,” Corker told the Post, after meeting with Trump campaign officials in New York and participating in a joint rally with the candidate in North Carolina.

Yeah, he used the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.  Cute.

And, then Joni Ernst might can castrate a pig, but Donald Trump was way over the line for her, too.

Sen. Joni Ernst of Iowa on Wednesday told Politico that she has withdrawn her name from consideration as a vice presidential nominee. She suggested Pence should get the nod instead.

Pence was last seen running the opposite direction.

 

Donald J. Trump, in order to form a more perfect Himself, establish hegemony, ensure domestic income, provide for his defensive commonality, promote his general branding, and secure the blessings of griftery for himself and his brood, is running for President and needs a Veep.

We’ve all heard of the former Republican Prez hopefuls who themselves envision being the number two guy: Christie, Gingrich, the ever hopeful, ever clueless Ben Carson. These guys will never get to 1600 on their own. Therefore, their last chance to rule the free world is to sign on the ticket, to pray for Trump to catch lightning in a bottle, then to wait for the inevitable impeachment.

Then there are the more sane-seeming picks, like Bob Corker of Tennessee, or Joni Ernst of Iowa, Jeff Sessions of Ala-damn-bama and Mike Pence, Governor of Indiana. (Sane-seeming only in comparison, because each of them is a right wing loonitarian by any normal standard.)

But Corker and Ernst both excused themselves today, which is probably best for Hair Drumpf, because Corker being paraded onstage yesterday like a hostage was cringe-worthy, while Joni Hog-baller’s proclivities with a shears probably just make Trump cringe. Plus, the Donald has always been a boob man, so that gives Pence a definite advantage.

Through his behavior and temperament, Trump appears to be angling for the job where he gets to fly around on Air Force One, ruffles and flourishes accompanying his every step, as he opens President Trump International Golf Courses all around the globe. It’s exactly how he’s “running” his campaign, and appears to have been his business model from the start.

Further, not only have his surrogates gone on record saying he was looking for someone more experienced to do the actual work, but Donald Trump’s Big Big Life itself bespeaks a lazy work ethic where running his mouth is labor enough, dammit. It’s clear from the get-go: he wants to be the head of state, but not the head of government. He’ll have people for that, preferably family. Why else have all these kids unless you’re going to put them to work?

That’s what makes his Vice Presidential pick so important. This will be the actual guy actually running the actual country: the Prime Minister to His Purple Prosings Majesty. But, even as great a gig as this sounds (plus the added attraction of that impeachment thingie) anyone with an ounce of self-respect is running in the opposite direction except for Gingrich and Christie. That’s how poisonous Trump is and that’s the quality of character he’s attracting.

So think about this, then tell me where in Canada to forward your mail: President Trump running around the world. Chief of Staff Christie running the White House. Vice President Gingrich running the country.