Texas Republicans are a fun bunch.  Their state convention is scheduled for this weekend in Dallas.

Jared Woodfill

There’s a guy named Jarred Woodfill running against incumbent Republican State Party Chairman Tom Mechler.  Woodfill is the former chairman of the Harris County (think Houston) Republican Party.

And what’s the issue in this loudly contested race?  Taxing?  Spending? Climate change? Education?  Jobs? Equally pay?

Of damn course not.

The issue is The Ho.Mo.Sex.U.Als.

The race for chairman of the Texas Republican Party has spawned charges that the party’s current leader, Tom Mechler, supports a “disgusting homosexual agenda.”

He even sent out a mailer to all the delegates about it.  Woodfill claims that Mechler is disgusting because he (1) allowed the Log Cabin Republicans to have a booth at the convention, (2) did not get properly outraged about bathrooms in this time of bathroom outrage, and (3) did not move the convention from Dallas, a well-known ho.mo.sex.u.al haven.

Up until this minute, I did not know that Dallas was a gay prom date dream destination.  Let’s see, Houston has had a wildly popular gay mayor recently so that’s out.  San Antonio is where the Godless Democrats are meeting. Fort Worth has school superintendents who love all God’s children. Corpus Christi has way too many Mexicans.  You know, that doesn’t leave any cities with a convention center.  I mean, they could have their convention in Lufkin but I doubt that the Super 8 and the Day’s Inn have big enough meeting rooms to accommodate that much hate, although I am certain that they have No Gays Allowed signs preprinted and ready to go.

I suspect there will be a tent revival on the agenda and I’ll keep you informed best I can without actually going there or even looking straight at it.

Florida, y’all.

So this guy in Florida was cleaning his gun and he stood up, feeling a sharp pain in his back that threw him down against a glass coffee table.  He says he thought he’d thrown out his back because he felt a lot of pain.  He heard a gunshot but couldn’t find any bullets.  He took some “back medicine” and forgot all about it.

For two days, Blevins went about his business as normal.

It was on the third day that Blevins took off his shirt. The shirt was black, a long-sleeved one, the kind that hides blood stains from bullet wounds should one ever shoot one’s self by accident, the newspaper reported.

Then he put on a light brown shirt, noticed his own blood and found the injury: Blevins could see where the bullet entered his left arm and where it exited, according to the News-Journal. It had cauterized, deputies later recounted, and was barely bleeding.

Okay, first off, this is a lesson.  Please change your shirt more than once every three days.  And shower every now and then, even if you live in Florida where everything stinks.

(Blevins later told deputies that his back medicine possibly numbed him from feeling pain from the accident, even pain from a bullet wound, the News-Journal reported.)

Second off, where the hell can I get some of that back medicine?

Thanks to Paul for the heads up.

Texas Republican Lt. Governor Dan Patrick is so cocky and full of himself that he’s not sure you’re even real.

Dan Patrick

By the way, Patrick is his stage name from his days as a wanna-be Rush Limbaugh on Houston talk radio.  His real name is Daniel Scott Goeb.  Nobody has any idea where he got the Patrick unless it’s after St. Patrick, but that wouldn’t be right because Dan Patrick is responsible for more snakes in state government than St. Patrick ran out of Ireland.

Anyway, Dan is real upset.  He is sashaying himself to Fort Worth tonight to speak to the school board.  Do you think he’s going to speak about why he cut $5 billion from Texas schools?  No, siree, he’s not.

He’s gonna talk about peeing.

Fort Worth Independent School District [Superintendent] Kent Scribner is not backing down from putting in place new rules that accommodate transgender students, telling the Fort Worth Star-Telegram he would not step down after Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick called for his ouster.

“I’m proud of these guidelines,” Scribner told the paper on Tuesday. “I think they provide educators with the ability to make all students more comfortable and confident in a learning environment.

First, Patrick called on Scribner to resign because … well, hating people who are different is one of the things that Texas schools need to teach, obviously.  When Scribner refused to resign, Patrick is now calling for his ouster.

Secondly, you know all that talk from Patrick about local control being dandy?  Come to find out, local control means “only the Lt. Governor.”

The school board is standing behind the superintendent.  The school board president says —

“We have enormous confidence in Superintendent Kent P. Scribner, his team, and our Board,” he said. “We are focused on creating a strong, safe, and productive learning environment for all students.”

Well now there’s a unique idea.  So, we don’t have schools just so Lt. Governors can grandstand about where urine goes?

I hope they ask him what he did with the $5 billion he seized from education.  Or piss on him.  You know, either one would be fine with me.

Remember four years ago when Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race and then got back in?

It must be a Texas thang.

Don’t count Ted Cruz out, Honey.

Ted Cruz floated the possibility of restarting his presidential campaign if he wins Nebraska’s GOP primary on Tuesday and avoided saying whether he supports Donald Trump’s bid for president.

Cruz, who suspended his White House run last week, said he does not expect to win Nebraska’s primary but is leaving the door open.

He doesn’t expect to win, but if he does, he might stay in the race.  Translation into the Sane: Please, please, for God’s sake, don’t forget my name. Please.

Come on, Nebraska, Remember the Cruz!

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox is not a Donald Trump fan.  In fact, he cusses like Cooter Brown while calling Trump “a false profit.”

“Wake up Americans, he’s a false prophet,” said Fox in an iTunes preview of the Kick Ass Politics interview to be posted on Tuesday. “Think about it, analyze what he’s proposing. Count the amount of lies he says in every speech, everyday he lies and lies with figures because his sole interest is to do personal business. To get greedy, to get more money. To put the Trump name everyday in the world.

Trump is “a hated gringo” who could take us to “a war and not just a trade war.”

No shoot, Sherlock.