… that when he dies, we can just screw him in the ground.

I can tell you one thing about Republicans in this state – they can’t accuse each other of hogging all the stupid.  Hell, honey, we have an attorney general under indictment for stock fraud who isn’t even the most dishonest Republican elected official in the state.

Sid Miller, our Agriculture Commissioner, thinks he won the free-ride lottery when he got elected.  One time after another, he gets caught stealing taxpayer money.  Remember about three weeks ago when he got caught spending taxpayer money to go get a Jesus shot in Oklahoma?

Well, this time he took your our money and went to Mississippi.  Now before I even start telling you this story I want to let you know that if I was gonna steal money to go on a trip, it sure the hell wouldn’t be to Oklahoma and Mississippi.

Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller spent almost $2,000 in state and campaign funds to fly to compete in a rodeo in 2015 for prize money

Miller wrote a check several weeks later from his campaign account to pay back the state for the flights, the obtained records show.

Miller, who competed in calf-roping events at the February 2015 rodeo, won $880.

Miller says the taxpayers spending money for his flight is legitimate because he intended to meet with the Ag Commish of Mississippi but he admits that the meeting was never scheduled.  Okay, so it is Mississippi and maybe somebody borrowed the pencil needed to “pencil in” meetings.

Miller says it was “totally legitimate” that his campaign fund pay for the trip because while at the rodeo, he “spoke to” rodeo participants and vendors who donated to his campaign.

Let me tell you this – nothing Sid Miller does is ever totally legitimate.  Nothing.

Let’s say you’re a young, wealthy dilettante who has been trying to win the approval of domineering male figures throughout your lifetime.  Raised to privilege, your formative years were spent in a military academy, where physical abuse, mental cruelty and social humiliation were served before breakfast, and if you didn’t want to take it, you’d better be dishing it out.  Despite being a star athlete in a military academy, somehow “heel spurs” kept you out of Viet Nam.  Instead, you went into business with Daddy, whose approval you never could earn, and ended up being sued right alongside him by the US government, for racist housing practices in New York.

Then, you meet another domineering figure who, on the surface, seems to be the exact opposite of you.  You attend the trendy me-first church run by Norman Vincent Peale.  He’s a Jew.  You cut a wide swath through the young ladies.  He cuts a wide swath through the young men.  You’re young, tall and a catch.  He’s old, short and not-so.

BUT…

He’s a legal shark, who never backs down, preferring to counter-attack, and to continue to attack, no matter the truth of a situation.  He’s an anti-Semitic Semite and a homophobic homosexual.  He is plugged in to every level of power in New York: political, religious, criminal and social.  He’s also plugged into the gossip in all those realms, and loves to prove how plugged-in he is by sharing that gossip.  And he’s an expert at slaying a person’s character through innuendo, insinuation, bending of the truth and outright lies, as he displayed to the world during the McCarthy Hearings, back in the Fifties, when he was Drunken Joe McCarthy’s consiglieri and hatchet man.

Right when he needed to, Donald Trump fell in love with Roy Cohn.

Although they eventually lost the federal suit, Cohn so obfuscated the issue with counter-suits and bullshit that the Trumps claimed it as a win.  Cohn then became Donald’s entre into Manhattan power, and brokered many of Trump’s signature early deals, including his first iron-clad pre-nup and his first deals with construction-industry mobsters.

Finally, Donald Trump no longer had to seek the approval of the domineering men in his life.  With Cohn, he had the respect of one of the most domineering, Machiavellian evil trolls ever to galumph across the American political landscape – and Cohn worked for HIM!   If a particular negotiation was not going Donald’s way, he could – and did –  pull out a picture of Roy Cohn and threaten, “You could deal with me, or you could deal with him.”

In 1986, after being disbarred for unethical conduct, Cohn died from AIDS.  Although he maintained until the end that it was liver cancer, his protégé, Donald, was now as deeply ensconced in NYC gossip as anyone, and the truth was an open secret.  So Donald offered the greatest homage to Cohn’s mentorship he ever could:  he coldly dumped the dying man as a liability.   The student had surpassed the master.

More than anyone in the dysfunctional dystopia Donald Trump has bought, built and stolen to support his addiction to attention, Roy Cohn is responsible for the man we see as the front-runner for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States, who is ascending to his highest eminence ever, while simultaneously being mocked and reviled in a way his mentor would remember well.  Wearing a Roy-Cohn-design suit of dynamite, Trump has marched into Republican Valhalla and Götterdämmerunged the place in a political murder-suicide.

If there is a Hell, Roy Cohn is there now… chuckling.

Aladamnbama Senator Jeff Sessions is saying that he doesn’t think that Donald Trump will pick him to be vice president.

I have no idea why not.  I mean, face it, there aren’t many people who could make Trump look sane and smart by comparison, but by gawd, Jeff Sessions is one of them.

Trump has faced a tremendous amount of opposition from within his own party, raising questions about whether he will be able to secure the 1,273 delegates necessary to be the nominee before the summer convention.

In recent weeks, he has been in contact with prominent Republican lawmakers including Sens. Orrin Hatch (Utah) and Tom Cotton (Ark.), which some have interpreted as an attempt to unify the party.

“I think highly of him, there’s no question about it,” Hatch said.

Oh wait, there’s two more!  I forgot about Republican Senators.

I gotta say something about Tom Cotton.  He gave me a headache earlier this week.  I was trying to figure this mess out:

“In 2012, they did elect President Obama, in part to nominate justices and judges, but in 2014 they elected me and a net nine new Republican Senators, in part, to say: ‘Stop. Stop to the Obama agenda.’”

Okay, so they elected Obama to nominate a justice and then elected you to stop him? Oh yeah, that was our thinking.

Son, even the least of your math problems with that reasoning, other than it makes no sense whatsodamnever, is that President Obama was elected by the whole country.  You were elected with 475,000 votes by people who can’t read in Arkansas.  President Obama was elected with 66 million votes.  Shut the hell up.

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Remember last week when I told you about Rick Perry violating Texas election law by personally picking up his ballot by mail in Fayette County?

And remember how I told you that I reported it to the only proper authorities that I know – Glen Maxey?

Well, it appears that I know what the hell I’m doing, by gawd.

Ted Cruz is campaigning in New York, trying like the dickens to relate to Hispanics.

“You’re here in Hispanic territory, talking with Latino pastors. What is your message for our people? A majority feel that you are against us,” the reporter asked in Spanish.

“Our community, the Hispanic community,” Cruz said before switching to Spanish.

“I understand almost everything in Spanish, but I can’t speak as well as I would like,” he added, before switching to English again. “I have the problem of the second-generation immigrant. I learned Spanish the same time I learned English.”

Yeah, but he speaks the hell out of Canadian.