Wanna talk about the Iowa primary?

Chat away, you adorable political nerds!

You asked for it, you got it. I myself will be chasing shots of Jack with Michelob Lager, reserving the good stuff (Glenmorangie 10yr) for a declared victory for my candidate. And my preferred viewing venue will be MSNBC, of course.

Starting to the right of the host (or starting with yourself, if you are watching with a room full of Mormons) and with turns passing counter clockwise: drink one SIP of beer, CHUG the remainder of your beer, drink a SHOT or pass as directed.

• If they announce an updated total: SIP
• If they show a wild HQ party: SIP
• If they show a DEAD HQ party: CHUG
• If they interview a campaign spokesman: SIP
• If they interview a candidate: CHUG
• If they play their election theme music (daaa da da Da DAA DA da DAAAAAA) EVERYBODY SIP and the turn passes
• When Chris Matthews interrupts someone: SIP
• When Chris Matthews says something weird: CHUG
• When Chris Matthews says something sexist: Order some male to do a SHOT. If there are no males present, call one up and say “Grrrr Chris Matthews!” and just hang up, then everybody SIP.
• When they call a winner: SHOT
• If they say something nice about Trump: CHUG
• If they say something mean about Cruz: Pick someone to CHUG, and pass your turn
• If they say some dumb “both sides do it” thing: SHOT
• When Steve Schmidt can’t even play the false equivalence game and is just reduced to saying something snarky about Democrats, liberals or progressives: BOILERMAKER! (SHOT and CHUG) and it’s still your turn, unless you immediately shout “PALIN PASS!” before anyone else, in which case don’t drink and your turn passes.
• Always point with your elbow.
• Penalty for screwing up is a SIP.

Let us know your libation of choice, and add more fun rules below in the comments!

~Primo

Headline:

They used to call them “candidates” instead of “things” but the bar has been set pretty low for this election.

Thanks to Bryan for the heads up.

Ted Cruz’s dad says that you are persecuting Ted.  If that is true, you are real good at it.

First, he get caught non-tithing, which his father says amounts to stealing from God.

Then he gets in trouble for a fraudulent “voter report card” he felt was necessary to send to Iowa voters.  The damn thing was awful, if not illegal.

Next, Phil Robertson, king of Duck Dynasty Squaller, spoke at one of Ted’s events and announced that gay marriage is “evil” and “wicked.”  That guy thinks about gay sex more often than Liberace did.  Personally, I think it’s creepy.

While Robertson was blowing the duck whistle, Glenn Beck also rambled on stage.  Cruz defended Beck over his firing at Fox News by saying Beck wasn’t fired because he called President Obama a racist.  No, sireeee.

Cruz suggested throughout the day, by the way, that Beck got kicked off Fox because he foresaw the rise of ISIS.

So now Fox News defends Isis?  Holy cow.

Now I am certain that there’s some other wild-butt stuff Ted did this weekend that I don’t even know about.

Then, to make it a perfect day and to prove there is indeed a God …

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

You guys paid for the counties who simply didn’t have enough money in their Democratic Party bank accounts to pay for getting ballots by mail to their over age 65 Democrats.  

Glen reports —

I just love old people. Well, people older than me, cuz, I too am old. Just know that when you mail hundreds of thousands of mail ballot applications and you put a “call this number if you have questions” message on it that rings to your cell phone, you invite a hell of a lot of calls. Some funny, some heart tugging, some mean ass Republicans who want to know how the hell they got on a Democratic list (it’s because they look like Democrats in the voter list), and so on.

Almost 1000 calls into this, I’m wearing thin (not in the good way). But I’ve done by hand about 400 applications this week while trying to understand all kinds of accents, diction, and mumbling. Of course the problems and questions are rarely easy or else they would have figured out the answer, ie “I just moved from Midland to Wichita Falls, am not registered in WF yet, how can I vote by mail”. Now the first answer is “If you were moving from Midland, why in hell would you pick Wichita Falls?”

Best one to date: “First, let me tell you I’m 97 years old. So I might not remember what I asked you by the time you answer, so bear with me.”

Best news: the return rate is the highest our mail vendor has ever seen in all the campaigns they’ve ever done. And that, my Democratic friends, is awesome.

Indeed it is.  Thank you, customers and thank you, Mean Ole Glen.