Click the little one to get the big one. You have to see Perry’s face.
Think he was mad because Obama got a table tag that said, “I’m President and you’re not”?
Or maybe because he knew the American flag would be in every picture of him and he wants to secede?
Okay, you guy can chip in and help me write my Outsmart column this month. I’ve got a decent start so offer suggestions for Twenty Reason the GOP is Avoiding Texas.
As you’ve heard by now, the national Republicans chose to have their 2016 Presidential convention in Cleveland, Ohio, rather than Dallas, Texas.
There’s a good reason for that. Texas Republicans. Seriously, think about it. Texas Republicans are so flatass crazy that other Republicans don’t want to be seen around them. Texas Republicans are the crazy uncle you lock in the attic. Our Republicans are the wackiest damn Republicans in America.
So here’s the reasons National Republicans won’t come to Texas.
1. They heard that we barbeque Teslas.
2. Successful gay mayor in Houston. Totally a Democrat.
3. Successful Hispanic mayor in San Antonio. I mean, like Mexican. Totally a Democrat.
4. Unsuccessful Dopey Governor in Austin. Republican.
5. Fact: Louie Gohmert is considered normal in East Texas. Okay, maybe not normal, but not highly abnormal either.
6. Now forcing crude oil use on bicycles. Pedal and spill it.
7. Ted Cruz wants to declare war against Mexico, and just to be safe, New Mexico.
8. Sarah Palin once described Texas as, “where the dumb people live.”
9. The humidity is sometimes described as “involuntary baptism.”
10. We have outlawed the singing of “I’m Proud To Be An American” because it has the word America in it. We don’t like America. There are muslims in America.
11. You know the myth that every Texan carries a gun strapped to their leg? No longer a myth.
12. Wanted a skeet shooting contest at the convention replace the roll call vote.
You gotta have more…..
There’s gotta be a Drill, Baby, Drill joke in here somewhere.
Loopy Louie Gohmert has a solution to the humanitarian crisis on the border: shoot them.
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) linked the thousands of Central American immigrants to both Mexican revolutionaries and terrorists during an interview with radio host Dan Maduri, and argued that President Barack Obama should use military force to keep them out of the U.S.
Louie served 4 years in the Army JAG corps and now he thinks it’s time to go Rambo on little children.
Then Louie goes into a completely wrong, wrong, wrong story about General Pershing and Poncho Villa in 1916. Of course, Gohmert thinks we’re still living in 1916. And he forgets that Villa won.
But, the best part is that Gohmert says the real problem is all the terrorists coming across the border. That is so not true.
According to a recent Department of Homeland Security study, there are relatively few crossings of the Mexican border by individuals from countries other than Mexico and Latin America. The Canadian border (which is 2,000 miles longer and largely unpatrolled) is considered more vulnerable to terrorist crossings followed by the threat from people who come into the US on airplanes using valid visas or forged papers.
Also missing is the small detail that Gohmert supported The William Wilberforce Act, the act that Gohmert now wants to impeach the President for enforcing.
Meanwhile, both Galveston and League City have banned undocumented immigrant children from entering their city. I have no idea if the children will be shot on sight or be given some measure of due process. I don’t think the city councils have thought that through either.
I was right. The McDaniels / Cochran race is going to last forever and get crazier and crazier.
Yes, indeedy. Chris McDaniel played basketball. In high school and junior college. So he could not be … you know, racist. Because he played basketball.
Holy crap. How can you use a racist statement to prove someone is not a racist?
“It’s been frustrating to see so many people in the black community be convinced that Chris McDaniel was a racist just because someone they trusted told them he was,” the editorial, published on July 2, read. “If they did a little research on their own, they would find out that McDaniel was a basketball standout at South Jones and Jones County Junior College.”
Makes your head hurt, doesn’t it?
Okay, so where are all those basketball players coming forward to report that McDaniel is not a racist?
[crickets. crickets.]
But not even that. Let’s just stand in a state of stunned for a few minutes that anyone would use junior college basketball as proof of tolerance.
No No No No No No Do not do that.
There’s one truth in America’s good manners book: when the President of the United States of America comes calling, you open the damn door.
But then, Rick Perry was raised in a pig sty and had a tumbleweed for his only friend.
You know, we’re gonna have to clean chicken bones out from under the couch and get the washing machine off the front porch when he leaves the Governor’s mansion. And I do not even want to imagine the fried pork skins oil on the walls.
President Obama is coming to Texas. Rick Perry is refusing to come to the airport to shake his hand. Rick is demanding a meeting or nothing.
Okay, somebody go stand in front of the Gov Shack with a bullhorn and holler: “Rick, he’s the President of the United States of America and you’re the disgraced sixth place finisher in the New Hampshire primary. You damn fool.”
Seriously, here’s a dude who got 0.71% of the vote in damn New Hampshire and spent a freekin’ fortune to do it. Hell, Gingrich got 10% and even he knows he can’t boss around the President.
What is wrong with you, Rick? Are those fake glasses giving you a headache?
Look, somebody drive him to the airport and tell him that Mr. Tumbleweed is being held hostage but the Crips and the Bloods will release him if he shakes Obama’s hand. Then somebody give the man a damn tumbleweed to talk to. Don’t worry, by sundown he will have forgotten it ever happened.
Stick with it, it keeps getting better.
Thanks to Kathleen for the heads up.