Ann Romney ain’t helping.

Ann Romney defended her husband’s sense of humor today during a radio interview, explaining that if people think the candidate seems too stiff at times as the host suggested, she thinks “we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

I really, really did not want to know about Romney’s stiff.  I just didn’t.

I just didn’t.

Somebody needs to let her know what those words mean.

Or maybe she already does know …..

Lalalalalalalala, I am not thinking about this.  I am not thinking about this.

NO thanks to Stephen for the heads-up.

East Texas Congressvarmint Louie Gohmert is fixing to mess with Texas.

Remember how Louie signed a Republican pledge that he wouldn’t vote for any earmarks?  Well, he didn’t know that somebody was serous about that.

Now he’s looking for a “But I Didn’t Mean ME” clause in the pledge.  House Republicans had a secret meeting.  And somebody squealed.  Congressvarmint Mike Rogers of Aladamnbama said he suggested bringing back earmarks to attached to bills to get Republican votes in a gridlocked House.  What he means is that he can get Republicans to vote for bill if they attach a rider to the bill giving something real special to that congressman’s district.  You know, like a bridge to nowhere or a East Texas Chicken Factory Museum.

Rogers’ remarks in the closed caucus meeting in early March were echoed by two other Republican lawmakers, Representatives Louie Gohmert and Kay Granger, according to some at the meeting.

House Speaker John Boehner, who pushed for the earmark ban, is considering forming a committee to study earmarks reforms, according to Rogers. Other sources also said that during the closed meeting, the speaker said he would consider reforms, and other leading Republicans did not shoot down the idea.

Kay Granger is also from Texas.

I’m suspecting that we need to check if their fingers are crossed the next time they make promises.

Thanks to Stephen for the heads up.

Gawker, where political gossip meets Paris Hilton, has a story this morning about a incident with Rick Perry in a bathroom right before the New Hampshire debate.

It seems that the manager of a rival candidate was in the bathroom.  In comes Texas Governor Rick Perry and he “came down the row of about twenty urinals and stood companionably close by,” all the while singing – apparently quite loudly – I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.

The rival campaign manager says he “made a hasty exit; as the bathroom door closed, he could hear Perry still merrily singing away: “I-I-I’ve been working on the ra-a-i-i-l-road, all-l-l the live-long day . . .”

Gawker thought this was a strange and embarrassing activity, and was probably due to all the pain drugs Rick Perry has to take for “his back.”  (Little do they know that he takes them  to remain just stupid instead of painfully stupid.)

As people from foreign states shamefully rarely know, The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You is sung to the same tune as I’ve Been Working on the Railroad. This explains the behavior.  The rival campaign manager just mistook I’ve Been Working on the Railroad for The Eyes of Texas.

And why was Rick Perry singing it loudly while at the urinal?

Well, of course he was.  Every decent Texas man always sings The Eyes Of Texas Are Upon You while holding his twittle.

Thanks to Steve for the heads up.

If you want to start your week with a giant Huh? and a mild throbbing headache, then do I have a gift for you!

There’s this rightwing talk radio host named Bryan Fischer who, not surprisingly for a man with a radio microphone, is nuts.  Wacko.  I believe the correct medical term is “ohmygodheiscrazzzzy.”

So last week Fischer goes on the electric radio all a’thundering about Brack Obama and Sharia Law.

And so President Obama has issued this fatwa, as Imam Obama, the head of secular Sharia, that Christians have the same choice as Christians have when Muslim armies come to town … Muslims armies come into a land and they give Christians three choices: you convert, you submit, or you die; those are your choices.

First, I think it’s nice of him not to call President Obama “Imam Obama” more than once in a sentence.  That’s a step forward.

Then opps, two steps back with the “secular Sharia” thing.  Darlin’, Secular Sharia takes the oxy out of oxymoron.   Ain’t that kinda like saying “secular holy communion”?  Or “secular baptism”?  Or even “holy craps game”?

Third, has this dude never heard of The Crusades?

Fourth, I think Fischer is in for a hard time come this November.  He’s also said —

“Mormonism is not an orthodox Christian faith. It just is not … It’s very clear that the Founding Fathers did not intend to preserve automatically religious liberty for non-Christian faiths.”

Bless his heart, he’s facing 4 more years of crusades no matter who wins.  I mean, you just gotta feel a little bad about that.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

I have somehow lost the meaning of the word misspeak.

I thought it was like when an actor says Missippi instead of Mississippi.  I thought it was when you said “my phone number is 555-555-5555,” and then you say, “No, wait, my phone number is 555-555-5556.”

Apparently, all these years I have been thinking wrong.

Misspeak also means, “oops, I lied and got caught.”

But there’s a new meaning, too.

On Thursday, [Republican House Budget Chairman Paul] Ryan questioned whether generals are telling the truth about their budget.

“We don’t think the generals are giving us their true advice. We don’t think the generals believe that their budget is really the right budget,” he said at a budget summit hosted by National Journal. “I think there’s a lot of budget smoke and mirrors in the Pentagon’s budget.”

And it also means, “I said something really stoopid and want to take it back but I have too small an ego to admit I actually made a mistake.  So, here’s my story:  I said generals?  Oh gee, I meant minerals.  Minerals have a lot of smoke and mirrors.  Yeah, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan admitted Sunday he “misspoke” when questioning the integrity of top generals on military spending needs, and said he has apologized to the Pentagon’s top adviser to the president.

Odds are pretty good that he used the minerals alibi to apology.

Y’all, I have to admit something.  I really can’t be fair about Paul Ryan.  For some reason that I cannot understand, that guy is so creepy to me that the hair literally stands up on my arms when he speaks.  I mean, politically he’s no worse than Boehner, but Boehner makes me mad.  Ryan creeps me out. He must remind me of a scary great uncle or something.  I dunno.

You know the TaxMaster’s guy on teevee, Patrick Cox?

You know the guy who says he will make sure that the IRS treats you fairly and with respect?

Well, not so much TaxMasters.

The familiar bearded TV pitchman for TaxMasters – Patrick Cox – was convicted today of defrauding customers and ordered to pay $195 million.

An Austin jury found him guilty of deceptive trade practices.

Now this would be just another example of greed bringing down another Republican fat cat who made their money off society’s most vulnerable people during stressful times in their lives, except for a couple of things.

First, in typical Republican fashion, TaxMasters  filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection one day before the jury trial was set to begin.

And second —

Cox is a major contributor to Gov. Rick Perry , donating $100,000 to the Republican governor’s re-election campaign in 2010.

The Perry campaign says it still hasn’t decided what it’ll do with Cox’s donation.  Really?  You’ve got almost a million dollars in your campaign account and you can’t decide what to do with $100,000 of money that was stolen from people?

You’re a spherical jerk, Rick Perry.  That means you’re a jerk no matter what way I look at you.