Unintended Consequences Theater: Inarguable Edition
Welcome to Unintended Consequences T’eater. I am your host, Primo’s Uncle Jimmy “Barstool” Grobnik. In tonight’s episode, we’re lookin’ at da unintended consequences of da RNC – dat’s da Republican National Committee – what dey did dat screwed demselfs and ended up wit’ Donald Trump.
So dere’s dese two guys, right? Da Brudders Koch, which is pronounced like da drink, not like anyt’ing in yer pants, like “crotch” or anyt’ing, down ‘ere. Or Cook, which I never unnerstood how K-O-C-H could soun’ like…
[Uncle Jimmy! ]
Barstool: Right, sorry dere, Primo. So da Koch Brudders, dey wanna run da world so dat dere oil comp’ny makes money forever. So dey put summa dere money in different places so as to influence as broad a spectrum… seriously?
[Just read the script, Uncle Jimmy.]
Barstool: Ah, hell! Just lemme tell it my way. So dere’s dese two a-holes dumpin’ money in every conservative purse dey can find in order to have more clout wit’ every’ting. An dey especially are lookin’ for some kinda front man so dey can run him for President and really start to take over da joint. In our first scene, dey make dere plans. Hey, PETE! C’mere once.
Pete: Whaddya want?
Barstool: Here, read dis.
Pete(reading): “Script for Unintended Consequences T’eater, Episode 1.”
Barstool: Not dat part, furder down, where my finger is. You be Charles. Right dere, read dat.
Pete(reading): “David, we must protect our fodder’s legacy and da Koch name…” are you kiddin’ me?
Barstool: Primo wrote it, we just gotta read it. Plus it’s “da Coke name” not “da Cotch name.”
Pete: Yeah, fine, but who talks dis way?
Barstool: I dunno. Primo wrote it.
[Guys, maybe we skip to scene two. You be Walker and you be Ryan.]
Barstool: How come we got two jailed ex-Illinois Governors innis?
[They’re not those guys.]
Barstool: Says right here: “Governor Walker.”
[That’s Scott Walker.]
Barstool: I t’ought his name was Dan.
[No, Uncle Jimmy, Dan Walker is dead. This is Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin.]
Pete: Dan Walker died? When?
Barstool: Wisconsin?! You want me to play some cheesehead governor?
[Walker died last year. Uncle Jim, you can play Paul Ryan if you want.]
Pete: Is he dead?
Barstool: Nah, he’s in jail.
[No, that’s GEORGE Ryan and he is NOT dead and he is NO LONGER in jail.]
Barstool: So where is Paul Ryan from?
[He’s the Speaker of the House and he’s from Wisconsin.]
Barstool: You want me to play a cheesehead CONGRESSMAN?
Pete: I’m readin’ ahead, here. Who is Raints… Prius? Pry-bus?
[That’s Reince Priebus. He’s the head of the RNC.]
Barstool: Where’s he from?
[That’s not important, look…]
Pete: Wisconsin?
[Well…]
Barstool: Ah, crap Primo, dontcha have nobody who’s NOT from Wisconsin?
Pete: How ‘bout dem Cotch Brudders?
[Coke! Look, here’s the deal: the plan was to make Scott Walker the President, and Reince Priebus’ only job was to set all that up to make it happen. He moved the primaries around, moved the convention up, and laid all the groundwork for Walker to run. He was the front-runner, but then a jillion guys jumped in the race and Donald Trump went gonzo and with a solid third of the GOP vote – the most redneck, illiterate, fascist, racist, misogynist cranks ever to punch a chad – Trump built up an early and, as it turns out, insurmountable, lead in the polls. With no money, no traction and an idiot with a chain gun for a mouth galumphing across the debate stages, Walker bailed before even the first vote was cast.]
Pete: So all da moves da GOP did to avoid da problems of 2012 and all da moves da Kochs did to have all dem Badgers runnin’ da place had da unintended consequences of making Trump da nominee?
Barstool: Hence da T’eater name!
[Exactly! Now, can we do this?]
Barstool: WhatforHowcome? You just did. (reading) “Dis completes our Inarguable Presentation of Unintended Consequences T’eater…”
[“Inaugural”]
Pete: What’s dat mean?
Barstool: It means it’s da first one.
Pete: DERE’S GONNA BE MORE?
Somebody’s gotta make a movie of this.
1i second the emotion, Marge!
2It is curious, that with all the money those Coke brudders throw around, that they couldn’t buy the presidency for that fascist Walker. Instead they end up with a fascist casino owner who runs his campaign like a TV/Twitter show. They grossly underestimated the stupidity of the base.
3And in four years there can be a sequel, because the Republican elite will conclude the solution to GOP chaos to be closed primaries, excluding independents and “Reagan Democrats,” while the Republican base will remain convinced elitists betrayed the party.
4And I still say as I did on Day One, who the hell wrote this damn election script anyway?
5maryelle said: “They grossly underestimated the stupidity of the base.”
You wouldn’t think that could be possible by now. Aprx 35% of ‘Muricans have been completely braindead for years, another 15% substantially brain-function impaired, and they still vote.
The Repuke rank and file, the left half of the IQ bell curve.
6I understood every single word of that. God I hate my neighbors…
7“City Pages” is a Minnesota metro alt-weekly that has included a very entertaining, very snarky, Scumpf and Michelle Bachmann story. It’s a satire on the phone call from Scumpf asking dear, brilliant Michelle to help him with the religious part of his scam.
You’ll enjoy it. Trust me. http://goo.gl/FJ8BCr
8Well, whadya expect? Da Cock brudders is from Kansas. They don’t know frum nuthin’.
9Bravo, Primo!
10i touhit de korect spillingh wus ‘dimselfes’. Whird eye gough rong?
11A.P. Dat’s becuz yer usin’ da Chicago Irissh Cat’lick verbij, dissere is da Chicago Polish Cat’lick verbij. Also very close tada Chicago Eye-talian Cat’lick verbij.
You want I should explain it again to ya?
12Bravo, Primo! It is damn difficult to write dialogue that really tracks or reflects the way people really talk. Elmore Leonard was really good at it. I’m trying to get it done with the way people in Texas talk, and it aint easy. Good show.
13Bravi.
14it all makes me homesick
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