There’s Gotta Be Something
I suspect you’ve heard that Mike Pence’s wife/mother teaches at a school that does not allow LGBTQ students or staff.
She teaches art there. Okay, so can you imagine how bad this art department has to be with no LGBTQ teachers? Holy cow. Plus, I seriously doubt that they have much to teach once they cover Thomas Kinkaid.
Are they allowed to even look at any other art?
Okay, since banning LGBTQ students and staff leaves the school pretty artless, but yet Christians are all about banning stuff, let’s think of some other things they could ban instead.
Fox News
Shaved heads – hey, we fought a war over this and you lost.
Tiki Torches – when they’re not tacky, they are scary. That’s the only two positions on their switches.
Those cut outs of Santa kneeling over Baby Jesus – do not mix metaphors.
Turnips – no reason other than I just hate them.
Mike Pence’s wife – her husband calls her mother. That’s kinda sick, y’all.
Food Truck Sushi
— Come on, I know you’ve got some.
One of my pet peeves too is men who call their wives “Mother”. There’s something way off track in a Freudian sort of way in that man’s mind for saying it and in that woman’s mind for tolerating it. He says it once, she rips he a new one and it is never said again. Otherwise it’s kinky in a bad way.
1Mother carries Pence’s gonads in her purse. No wonder he looks like the living dead.
2I’m with you on the tiki torches JJ. And I live in Hawaii. They’re like the plastic pink flamingo after dark, so you can decorate your yard with visible kitsch when the sun goes down.
I’d like to see Christians ban hypocrisy. That would give us some serious peace and quiet.
3Monster trucks who think traffic signs are mere suggestions.
4GUNS
Monster trucks who think traffic signs are for target practice.
5Colbert did a great opening about this on (I think) Thursday. A lot of gay artists in history. Limits the topic options.
61. Mega churches
72. Guys who are preachers at mega churches.
3. Women who marry guys who are preachers at mega churches.
The school should ban the New Testament – after all, they ban other things they don’t believe in…
8All Trump (branded) childcare centers are banned.
9I dreamed of a roach coach ( food truck ) parked in front of a MAGA church. They specialized in Fugu Fish Liver sushi.
10Their clientele was very loyal, many bought their last meal off that truck.
For you all who think calling wife Mother is weird, shows your lack of exposure to the world. I do so, as did my dad, and I now call my wife G’ma . You may now be able to guess why… when your kids start calling everyone by their 1st names you will get it. If this is the oddest thing you can think about Pence then you haven’t been paying attention.
11MAGAt hats.
Field trips.
Politics.
12Rolling coal.
13https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYPMbLO4pAY
Bigots.
People who claim to be Christians who have never gone through a red-letter Bible (with everything that Jesus is supposed to have said printed in red), read only the red-letter parts, and really thought about what they said. It’s radical stuff, and not what your mega-preacher has been telling you.
14People who give a damn about anybody else’s sex life, unless that other person is a rapist, pedophile, or is otherwise using sex to make someone miserable. If they’re using sex to make someone happy, mind your own damn business.
15Lying.
16James Dobson
17Sean Hannity
Laura In-bred-graham
CBN
TBN
Daystar
Add rutebegas and parsnips and I’m with you all the way!
18Ban those “Keep Christ in Christmas” bumper stickers. Replace them with “Keep the Devil in Devil’s Food.”
Ban Baptist women from wearing diamond rings to church, although Kay’s jewelers and Jared’s would go out of business in a week.
Ban Mike Pence from the human race because, clearly, he’s a hollow-eyed cyborg.
Ban “Mother” Pence from the sisterhood of women. Even though Mike told her he “forgave her” for not being a virgin when they married because she’d been married before, she STILL went ahead and married the putz.
19Any and all pictures of:
1) Jesus with a rifle, automatic weapon or ninja gear
2) Jesus riding/holding a dinosaur
3) Ben Carson and Jesus in bathrobes (look it up — it’s true)
And…
4) Betsy DeVoss….because.
20@Cole
Sorry I missed your tetrodotoxin reference above. I’ve had the flu, sir. It’s weakened me.
21Love the input except the one about parsnips. We love parsnips steamed with carrots and green beans, with lots of butter and dill. I have fulminated long and loud about the abovementioned. I always put a caveat on new Facebook friends warning them that they will be exposed to pretty salty language.
22“Turnips – no reason other than I just hate them.”
Check out @Turnip2020 on Twitter, the first root vegetable to declare candidacy for POTUS. Good for a laugh, plus Turnip is a heckuva lot smarter than the current claimant to the title.
23Might be a turnip you love.
Fake empathy aka “thoughts and prayers”.
24