The HIGHLY unofficial Iowa Caucuses Drinking Game
You asked for it, you got it. I myself will be chasing shots of Jack with Michelob Lager, reserving the good stuff (Glenmorangie 10yr) for a declared victory for my candidate. And my preferred viewing venue will be MSNBC, of course.
Starting to the right of the host (or starting with yourself, if you are watching with a room full of Mormons) and with turns passing counter clockwise: drink one SIP of beer, CHUG the remainder of your beer, drink a SHOT or pass as directed.
- If they announce an updated total: SIP
- If they show a wild HQ party: SIP
- If they show a DEAD HQ party: CHUG
- If they interview a campaign spokesman: SIP
- If they interview a candidate: CHUG
- If they play their election theme music (daaa da da Da DAA DA da DAAAAAA) EVERYBODY SIP and the turn passes
- When Chris Matthews interrupts someone: SIP
- When Chris Matthews says something weird: CHUG
- When Chris Matthews says something sexist: Order some male to do a SHOT. If there are no males present, call one up and say “Grrrr Chris Matthews!” and just hang up, then everybody SIP.
- When they call a winner: SHOT
- If they say something nice about Trump: CHUG
- If they say something mean about Cruz: Pick someone to CHUG, and pass your turn
- If they say some dumb “both sides do it” thing: SHOT
- When Steve Schmidt can’t even play the false equivalence game and is just reduced to saying something snarky about Democrats, liberals or progressives: BOILERMAKER! (SHOT and CHUG) and it’s still your turn, unless you immediately shout “PALIN PASS!” before anyone else, in which case don’t drink and your turn passes.
- Always point with your elbow.
- Penalty for screwing up is a SIP.
Let us know your libation of choice, and add more fun rules below in the comments!
~Primo
Too many rules. I’m gonna just get wasted before dinner & hope for the best.
If you don’t hear from me by Wednesday, I’m probably in Mexico.
1If I had to watch Chris Matthews, I’d be drunk before the game even started.
2Lorraine in Spring, there are worse fates. One could wake up in NH to discover one of those free T-Rump tattoos has been jabbed into you.
http://crooksandliars.com/2016/01/get-your-free-donald-trump-tattoos
Primo, if you’ve ever ridden in the high desert with the sun glaring off the snow, I think you’ll forgive me if I limit my libations to one or two.
3I may have a bourbon & water just because … because I will NOT be watching and will wait to see the results tomorrow!!
4Chris Matthews makes me so mad … he never has sense enough to simply shut the hell up to let anyone answer him. Too often while watching his show, I’m telling him to shut the hell up!! Obviously, he doesn’t listen to me or anyone!!
Came up with these rules for my own game when I didn’t find anything online this morning. Enjoy!
Drink if someone manipulates a giant touch-screen map.
Drink any time precinct results from the 2016 caucus are compared to either the 2012 or 2008 election.
Drink anytime a less than flattering photo of a candidate is shown on screen.
Drink anytime President Obama is referenced.
Drink for any sighting of a panel of undecided voters.
Drink anytime voters are interviewed on screen in a coffee shop, diner, or pizza place.
Drink anytime the rules of the Iowa caucus are discussed.
Drink anytime pundits express the idea that Iowa’s demographics are not representative of the rest of the country.
Drink anytime either New Hampshire, South Carolina, or Nevada are mentioned.
Drink any time Super Tuesday is mentioned.
Drink anytime the “General Election” is mentioned.
Any time there is a split screen, drink for as many seconds as there are pundits onscreen.
Drink when the anchor awkwardly stalls for times while consulting a clipboard, monitor, or listening to their ear piece.
Drink any time an election is “still too close to call.”
Drink any time “exit polls are showing” something.
Drink when an anchor or pundit is visibly disappointed with the election results.
Take your friend’s drink if he or she is visible disappointed with the election results.
Finish your drink when results are official and the election is called for a candidate.
Finish your drink and take a shot if your candidate loses. It’s going to be a long four years.
5I could have handled that – in my distant past younger days.I do start my mornings drinking coffee from my “kick ass Democratic mug”.
6Thanks for the reminder to hit the liquor store today. I am completely out of bourbon!
7Whoa! Way too complicated. Reward yourself with a drink or popcorn anytime a Democrat is mentioned, pictured or interviewed.
8Nothing for Republicans.
Marcia, I am in Mexico, but I have been a friend of Bill W for 51 years, 1 month today.
9So how does a teetotaler play the game? Oh, how about guacamole and chips instead of sips?
🙂
Complicated and the more you play and smashder you get. I have a bottle of champagne which if the news is good I will drink it, or if the news if bad I will drink it.
10I’d drink to the whole damn thing being over, as long as the Democrat (any Democrat) wins. It’s been going on for so long already that the Iowa caucuses are getting coverage like it’s the whole bloody election.
11@BarbinDC
That’s awful. I’m setting a reminder on my calendar to remind me to remind you. Every Monday. A day without Wild Turkey is like a day without … well Wild Turkey!
12Primo, if you send daChipster out here to run a certain fair lady’s campaign in 4 years, we’ll introduce you to some of our best single malt scotch, Laphroaig. She wins and we break open that anniversary edition bottle.
13@PKM and perhaps others
You Scotch drinkers befuddle me.
14@ Larry from Colorado — i’ve been a friend of Lois for 23 years or so. Noted that you had it down to the day. Bill W’s friend always know to the day, Lois’s friends ars lot fuzzier. I have maybe six drinks per year.
15I will be in a three hour chorus rehearsal beginning at 7 so it likely will be all over but the spinning before I tune in.
And I gave up yelling at Chris Matthews to shut up and just turn the channel to a Law and Order re-run.
I read the instructions very carefully. I haven’t touched a drop and already I feel sloshed! Good night, all!
16Sorry, Primo. Too complicated. A friend has better rules:
1. Call for pizza.
2. Netflix.
Seems about right.
17I finally figured out how to retire, just open a liquor store down the street from Primo or Ben. Retire right after election day.
18True Story: I taught Bob Newhart the Bob Newhart drinking game. He came to Notre Dame to film a segment of a documentary; I was in the audience. During warm-up, he asked if anyone had any questions; I asked if he knew about the Bob Newhart drinking game.
Cracked him UP!
19Now how am I supposed to play this game? First off, I am out in the middle of puckerbush USA. Second, there is a raging blizzard going on right now and my car is buried – my condition is such that digging out is impossible (was in the hospital 3 weeks ago paralized from the waist down). My hooch closet is bare and the booze-a-teria is some distance away. I am broke (eagle doesn’t have a BM for several days). I have no TV. Intertube connection is too slow to do decent video. So the only way I can sorta play is to hit the dregs of a cheap box wine. Definitely not enough punch there!
20That would be a great game if it wasn’t 8:42 Tuesday morning here in Japan.
21@Larry from Colorado….
Having to go thru this election cycle with no booze seems cruel and unusual, even tho I totally get it.
signed…Lois’s friend.
22@Cole
You have the secret. I used to do taxes for the buy that owned the FBO where I took flight instruction. He also owned six liquor stores on US75/IH45 between Sherman and south Dallas county. He told me several of his “secrets” but the biggest one is that liquor stores defy the economic cycle. When things are great, people buy liquor. When things are terrible, people buy liquor. And so on. Of course a couple of his stores were in some of the poorest hoods in Dallas County.
23In the immortal words of Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan, U.S.A: I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
24Micr, my friend, all I can tell you is habit and the fact that I like my drinks “neat.” One cube and a splash makes me happy. That and availability from which came the habit. Some of the places the USAF planted me there was a scarcity of good whiskeys and bourbons, so scotch was the better choice.
daChipster, Jane and I look forward to meeting you and Mrs. daChipster, if you decide to run Jane’s campaign. But that’s 4 years away, so if you are in the mood sooner for some Las Vegas fun, say the word! Cracking up comedian Bob Newhart; we are impressed.
25No way! I’ll pass out in the first half hour by these rules!
26@pkm
I guess I understand. I axe the bartender for a generous glass of Wild Turkey, a canned Coca Cola and a clean glass. I pour some WT in the clean glass and open the Coca Cola above it, allowing some of the carbonation to land randomly in the WT. Then I give the Coca Cola to my little bride. You dont want to dilute the WT with too much Coca Cola.
27Hee hee, that was like my old recipe for a martini Micr! For a regular I’d set a bottle of vermouth beside my gin cocktail; if I wanted it vermouthy I’d wave the cork over it! I have since developed a taste for vermouth (my better-and mostly more sober-half sez “it’s got alcohol in it, right?!”) in my old age, which proves that a) you should keep your words sweet for one day you shall eat them, b) never is a REALLY long time, and c) karma has an awful lot of fun at our expense!
28@Aggieland Liz
I agree 100% with your “a) you should keep your words sweet for one day you shall eat them,”. I just never found a wine that goes well with crow and thus never developed much of a taste for it.
29Laphroig – 15 year
or
Piper Hiedseck if Marty wins.
My $70.00 is safe.
30Scotch is truly a gift from the Goddess.
I didn’t see Chris Hayes on MSNBC’s show last night. He’s even worse than Lawrence O’Donnell about interrupting guests. “Dude! SHUT UP and let them speak!”
31@Larry from Colorado … who the heck is Bill W? I have no idea who that might be. However, I am so glad you’ve been friends for so very long!
32Well, I did not watch the caucus and I did not have a drink … except for my on-going jug of ice water. I did, however, catch some of the talking heads after all was said and done and just prior to hitting the hay for the night! And I got to hear a portion of Rubio’s acceptance speech for 3rd place; Joe McCarthy Clone Cruz’s acceptance speech for 1st place; and I don’t know where The Stump Trump was … didn’t miss that one at all! I’ve only seen recaps of Sanders and Clinton speeches.
Dear God … it is going to be an awfully long trek till November!!
Friend of Bill W = Alcoholics Anonymous.
33While drinkiing, remember you have to be able to find the bathroom sooner or later. I’m sticking with one 7 oz. Corona beer.
34daChipster, in the immortal words of my Cousin Dan, “I might you think I’m under the affluence of incohol, but I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”
Cousin Dan had a million of em. Here’s one of my favorites:
“Here’s to it and for it and to it again. If you don’t do it when you get to it, you might not get to it to do it again.”
35