Texas Republicans
As you have heard by now, Texas Republicans want to vote on a resolution at their convention in June that says Texas ought to bygawd secede from the United Damn States of America.
I am here to tell you that the Republican National convention is gonna be hotter than a hoochy-koochy dancer on Saturday night in a Del Rio. You should be able to fry bacon on the heads of three-fourths of the delegates.
My position is that we ought to let them secede … and move to Utah and start themselves another of those church things. You know, where the intermarry and never get elected President.
One of my paying jobs this month was to talk about the Texas GOP convention.
“2. The fun of watching Texas Republicans slowly realize that while they were waiting for Obama to come for their guns, Donald Trump came for their party.” ~ Juanita Jean Herownself
They’ll be leaving Cleveland minus their wallets and still clueless.
1I want to be the first to nominate Louie G. for President of Texas.
2Secede? I say we kick ’em out. Long as they take with them:
1. Bush
2. Cheney
3. Perry
I’m guessing a few more names might be added.
3Wow! This sounds like the perfect dress rehearsal for Cleveland! And I am now remembering the people Cleveland every night in my prayers!
4Kudos for you use of imagery, JJ.
5I am eagerly awaiting the spectacle of the party eating its own in Cleveland. The Outsmart column is pure gold Juanita Jean.
6If Texas secedes do they promise to take Ted with them? And Louie? And all the other elected miscreants?
What we’ll do in return is take back all the federal sites in Texas that add many, many millions to the economy. California would be happy to receive all that money and all those jobs.
7I wish they would add a few more resolutions like:
When Jesus schedules his 2nd Coming, should he hold the event in Dallas, Houston, or San Angelo?
When NASA launches their first manned rocket to Mars, should the Republican governor and Texas Guard invade and occupy Houston Mission Control, and upon landing on the Red Planet declare it a colonial outpost of Texas?
Best to decide these things now, so there’s some time for oversight and planning.
8The Texas Democratic Party should have a resolution that anyone from the Great State that wants to secede from the US of A should be expelled from its borders.
9So now I’m fretting about “The Wall”. If Texas secedes, Donald Dump won’t be the president over the riverside part of the border. Will Donald have to build his wall along the OK border to protect the US from the hordes of aliens pouring across the Rio? And I guess I’ll need to get my passport updated so I can travel from my home in New Mexico to the Costco in El Paso and visit my grandbaby in Dallas.
10“You should be able to fry bacon on the heads of three-fourths of the delegates.”
Terrible, criminal waste of delish bacon.
After a culinary outrage like that, I wouldn’t feed that bacon to the many scavengers that wander around these parts: buzzards, coyotes, raccoons, even ants.
That bacon would be baaaad for them all, having been in contact with that much toxic waste.
.
As far as those Texas Repukes seceding (and all others so inclined), I have the absolute PERFECT island paradise that we could send THEM ALL to ASAP.
It’s a remote, little known Caribbean island called Navassa Island (or as it would be named after the R’s move in: NavASSa Island).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Navassa_Island
It is currently uninhabited, and mostly had been for eons, except for a lighthouse and a guano mining operation– see, told you it was perfect!
It once had a company town called Lulu Town, which could be re-established by the RWNJ’s and renamed ‘Woowoo Town” in their honor.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lulu_Town
It lies to the West of Haiti, and Haiti has an ongoing dispute with the USA over control of Navassa (dating from the “Guano Islands Act”), so once they all get settled in over there we can just “Slip out the back, Jack”… :), and let them work it out. 🙂
It has/had eight endemic species of reptile living there, which would bump up by one or two species with the arrival of the Teabaggers-Talibangelicals. 🙂
“Navassa Island (/nəˈvæsə/; French: l’île de la Navase; also La Navase) is a small, uninhabited island in the Caribbean Sea. It is administered as unorganized unincorporated territory of the United States, which administers it through the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.
Haiti has claimed sovereignty over Navassa since 1801 and claims the island in its constitution, disputing the U.S. claim.[1][2][3][4]”…
“The terrain of Navassa Island consists mostly of exposed coral and limestone, the island being ringed by vertical white cliffs 30 to 50 feet (9.1 to 15.2 m) high, but with enough grassland to support goat herds. The island is covered in a forest of just four tree species: short-leaf fig (Ficus populnea var. brevifolia), pigeon plum (Coccoloba diversifolia), mastic (Sideroxylon foetidissimum), and poisonwood (Metopium brownei).[6][7]”…
.
OK, time for more Belgian Kasteel Donker biere-ale & custom pizza, and a rerun Doc Martin!
Y’all try a Belgian Dubuisson Blue Label Scaldis Noel Biere sometime (12.5ABV), best beer I ever drank…but I haven’t tried ’em all yet…
11https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dubuisson_Brewery
http://www.dubuisson.com/en-us
http://www.dubuisson.com/en-us/our-beers
http://www.dubuisson.com/en/beers/scaldis-noel
Excuse the he77 out of me, snacilbupeR, but didn’t the United States fight a properly noble war, in part to settle that very question? And after 620,000 killed, was not the answer states cannot secede?
12#10 made me snort aloud. Gracias JJH.
13If they want to secede, let ’em put it to a vote. If it wins, move all federal business out of state, starting with Fort Hood and ending with the Marfa Post Office. In a week, they’ll be begging to rejoin.
14Correction:
Last beer link I gave above was slightly wrong, good links:
http://www.dubuisson.com/en-us/our-beers/scaldis-no%C3%ABl
http://www.dubuisson.com/en-us/our-beers/scaldis-no%C3%ABl-premium
Really is dang good ale, 12/12.5ABV is 24/25 Proof…not bad buttkickin’ for a beer 🙂
Have no $ interest in the product, just like to pass it on (ex got me some, couldn’t believe the price though, $$muy cara$$).
15Poisonwood? That’s some great stuff. I remember it from Belize. Nobody would get near it or near the smoke if it was burning. A perfect place for the seceding Texans.
16Enjoy fantasies of Republicans living with this.
https://tropicat.wordpress.com/2008/07/30/black-poisonwood-tree/
17@AKLynne,
That’s why I c&p’ed that info: rocks, guano/crap, goats, four suitable tree species like “pigeon plum and poisonwood”, mastic sounds toxic too, cliffs, with a difficult marine landing (to make it hard to get off & on island), etc.
It really would be perfect for the RWNJ’s, and small enough to have them exterminating each other tout suite.
18Juanita, couple of things you kinda missed.
“4. Log Cabin Republicans will not be allowed to go to the bathroom because . . . oh hell, you know damn well why.”
You’re forgettin’ that Lindsey sweetie is likely to be there. Which means that any Log Cabin Republican needing to take a pee is gonna be discretely escorted around back. For an hour or two. And besides him, I can assure you from my personal experience of being a certified, genuine queer cowboy myownself, that while that convention is in town, it’s gonna be harder to get a stool in a gay bar in Dallas that week than it is to get a date with Beyonce.
And you forgot the real opportunity for fun. Just shout over the crowd noise, “Hey, that fella over there is from the BATF and he’s here to collect your gun!” Just be sure you’re standing near the exit and you duck out quick.
19Oh, and one other thing. About that Texas seceding thing. If that ever appears on a ballot, half the damn United States is gonna move to Texas in time to register to vote.
They’ll all vote “Yes.”
And then they’ll all move back home the next day.
20At 68, am I the only one who remembers when the Democrat Party controlled Texas? Those golden days of moderate but well covered light corruption when our politicians did not prance on the “stage of batshit crazy”. Things were and never will be perfect in Texas or any state but do we have to be the laughing stock of all the other crazies in the world? I know we have always believed in doing things “big” but I think we need to rethink that idea today.
21I love the idea of sending the Texans who ruined my state to an island near Haiti. Get that boat motor running.
22@Thom. Oh how I miss Ann Richards and Molly Ivins
23If Texas secedes, then Trump can build his wall with an enormous indentation that resembles a huge steak.
Certainly Trump intended for his wall to demarcate all of the beaches along the entire U.S. coast of the Gulf of Mexico with a massive fifty-foot impenetrable wall of concrete-reinforced titanium alloy? Maybe he should built it around the corner at least to Virginia?
Galveston, you’re on your own!
24I hope they take Oklahoma, too.
25Texas secedes and we care? Why??
26And 1 month later they are screaming for help as they go broke and cannot afford to pay the troops as Mexico invades as they want it all back!!!
L.Long, only puzzled about why Mexico would want it back?
27Great article, J.J., and the Three Amigos visual is outstanding.
28Can almost hear them sneering, “We don’t need no steenkeen’
scruples…”
Well, hell spit and damn! Now tRump claims that hitherto his demagoguery has all been act! So how does that pardon him? All of his foaming at the mouth followers should feel totally trashed by this revelation and turn on him. He has insisted that from now on we will see the real him, the Presidential him. Like we are even going to trust that? A forked tongue is a forked tongue. And, once again, good luck Cleveland! You folks continue to be in my prayers!
29maggie, it’s Ground Hog Day (the movie) snacilbupeR style.
***surprise*** Really snacilbupeR? How is 2016 any different than 2012? You have the Crooze/Santorum faction of rigid religious fascists. There’s the Drumpf/Romney redux of etch-a-sketch and the folksy Gingrich/Kasich shape shifting ghouls representing the establishment. Pick your loser.
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