This is an honest-to-gosh email I got today.

Trump is complaining about ugly protesters. As America’s -and the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, it’s your obvious responsibility to provide beauty tips for demonstrators.

Peter

I take my beauty mission very seriously, Peter, and while I generally don’t feel any responsibility for Trump’s vision of beauty (I mean, have you seen his Christmas decorations?) (And those ties, ferpetesake), I do feel a duty to insure that America’s streets are filled with wowza! people.

I have fretted over this all morning. Coming up with something that wears well on all races, genders, body shapes, and ages is not an easy task. If it were, there would be no need for highly trained and fantastically expensive people like me.

But I think I have roughed-out a plan. It’s still in the toddler stage, but I think it just might work.

Demonstrate naked.

Now, now, don’t get carried away before I explain the benefits.  The human body is beautiful.  It’s a work of art. I’ve been to museums; I know these things.

Wear nothing but your name and your lawyer’s phone number written on your arm.  And a mask.

Think of the benefits.  First we can get America used to seeing bodies without immediately thinking nasty. Second, it’s hot out there and the cops are wearing seventeen layers of clothes. Who’s gonna pass out first?

Third, it’s easy to see you don’t have a weapon so the use of unnecessary force will look even worse for the cameras. Here are these guys looking like the offspring of Darth Vader and The Terminator. And here you are looking innocent as the day you were born.

But the main reason:  You cannot out-camo or out-ammo them.

And the last reason:  Honor thou hippie grandparents.