Something happened today that triggered strong feelings for me and some other people I know. Some of them are avid readers here, so I need to tread lightly when mentioning this person. Suffice it to say, he had been progressive and something happened. I’m not a psychologist or a licensed professional counselor. I have a mere masters in school counseling. So, I can only guess what happened. Moreover, I’m not even sure it matters in the grand scheme of things.

Ostensibly, he said some very hurtful things to a friend of ours. Again, no details are needed. I saw him on the golf course today and said hello. We talked for a few minutes and exchanged pleasantries and that was the full conversation. I certainly didn’t seek him out. I’ve barely thought about him in several years. In a private conversation with one of the people more intimately involved in the situation I came upon something. It is something I discovered a few years ago and it has changed my life immensely.

Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. It has nothing to do with the person being forgiven. They can seek forgiveness or not on their own time. Forgiveness is about us letting go of the anger, hurt, and pain. It is about us driving that person out of our lives. People often talk about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I never forget. What ends up happening is that whatever the source of that anger and pain over being hurt is released. I allow myself to set it free. It’s gone.

Certainly, I get much of this from my own background and education. However, this is not necessarily a religious thing. It certainly can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It is more about mental health than anything else. When I think of the people in my life who are hateful, vindictive, and bigoted it just makes me incredibly sad. What must someone have gone through to carry all of that with them? I certainly don’t seek them out. I have no time or inclination to try to reform people like that. When I run into them I try to be as gracious and cordial as possible. After all, many of them feel glee when they are allowed to ruin your day with their crap.

Hate feeds hate. For years, we have been told we need to fight fire with fire. I steadfastly refuse. When doing this you become that which you hate. Certainly the occasional joke at someone’s expense is fine. We certainly should feel free to laugh at idiots when we encounter them. However, I am not suppressing my joy and love just to give someone that which they probably crave anyway. They want our outrage. They want our anger. They want our derision. Let’s not give it to them. Whatever few undecided folks are still left need a clear choice between hope and love and hate and derision. It can’t be a choice between two sides that hate each other. That’s not really a choice at all. It must be a choice between community and love on one side and narcissism on the other.

Theologians tell us that God forgives and forgives absolutely. It has taken a lifetime to understand that what they are talking about is really redemption and not forgiveness. Forgiveness is really a human condition. It means we simply drop those negative feelings and move on. That has always been the secret. Forgiveness is more about us than it is about them. We don’t allow that anger and pain to consume us. Yet, it doesn’t mean that the relationship returns to normal or even at all.

Redemption, on the other hand, is a return of the relationship. That’s what the theologians call forgiveness from God. The slate is wiped clean and all transgressions are forgotten. Most of us aren’t capable of that. We have to protect our psyche and someone that repeatedly runs roughshod over our psyche cannot return to the previous condition. We can leave the pain behind and refuse to allow that person’s actions to occupy our thoughts. We can’t treat them the same way as before though.

This is where racism, xenophobia, sexism, and homophobia comes in. It is where the Q nonsense comes in. It is where the anti-vax nonsense comes in. This topic is the one topic that ties it all together. Yesterday, we looked at conservative social media and whether they could have a safe space to spew their hatred. There’s a reason why they want and need that safe space. When we shun that kind of thought we don’t get rid of it. We just drive it underground where it can’t readily be seen.

The question comes on whether someone can let their hate flag fly and then later live to regret it. If they do then is there a path back to redemption for them? We have seen numerous people recant their feelings on the vaccine once they’ve landed in the hospital. Should they survive, can they be forgiven and can they be redeemed? They can be forgiven relatively easily, but that doesn’t mean they are redeemed.

It comes down to recognizing windows of opportunity. Hundreds if not thousands of anti-vaxxers and Q devotees are realizing that they backed the wrong horse. They realize they were lied to. They realize they were duped. The question comes on whether we are capable of extending the olive branch to welcome them back to normal society.

The same is true of racists, homophobes, sexists, and xenophobes. There is that key moment where everything comes tumbling down. I say this because I’ve experienced it myself. Those feelings were more private because I knew they were wrong. I was able to cast them aside and be welcomed in. However, I have to admit that I had not gone out on a limb to make an ass out of myself either.

That’s how I know there are a lot of these folks out there. They feel the way they do, but they are too polite and even too ashamed to be publicly outed. Without a path to redemption they have to stay in that space. They exist in the shadows between everything we know that is good and everything we know that isn’t. It’s the main reason why we are left wondering how some of our elected officials get where they are in the first place.

There is something within ourselves that doesn’t allow us to redeem. In ourselves it is obvious that shame overwhelms us. In others, it is anger and jealousy of a former scourge getting credit for their conversion. For others, it is a lack of trust that the conversion is real. We’ve been burned before. We have to take that chance. Otherwise, it will always be us versus them.