Something happened today that triggered strong feelings for me and some other people I know. Some of them are avid readers here, so I need to tread lightly when mentioning this person. Suffice it to say, he had been progressive and something happened. I’m not a psychologist or a licensed professional counselor. I have a mere masters in school counseling. So, I can only guess what happened. Moreover, I’m not even sure it matters in the grand scheme of things.

Ostensibly, he said some very hurtful things to a friend of ours. Again, no details are needed. I saw him on the golf course today and said hello. We talked for a few minutes and exchanged pleasantries and that was the full conversation. I certainly didn’t seek him out. I’ve barely thought about him in several years. In a private conversation with one of the people more intimately involved in the situation I came upon something. It is something I discovered a few years ago and it has changed my life immensely.

Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. It has nothing to do with the person being forgiven. They can seek forgiveness or not on their own time. Forgiveness is about us letting go of the anger, hurt, and pain. It is about us driving that person out of our lives. People often talk about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I never forget. What ends up happening is that whatever the source of that anger and pain over being hurt is released. I allow myself to set it free. It’s gone.

Certainly, I get much of this from my own background and education. However, this is not necessarily a religious thing. It certainly can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It is more about mental health than anything else. When I think of the people in my life who are hateful, vindictive, and bigoted it just makes me incredibly sad. What must someone have gone through to carry all of that with them? I certainly don’t seek them out. I have no time or inclination to try to reform people like that. When I run into them I try to be as gracious and cordial as possible. After all, many of them feel glee when they are allowed to ruin your day with their crap.

Hate feeds hate. For years, we have been told we need to fight fire with fire. I steadfastly refuse. When doing this you become that which you hate. Certainly the occasional joke at someone’s expense is fine. We certainly should feel free to laugh at idiots when we encounter them. However, I am not suppressing my joy and love just to give someone that which they probably crave anyway. They want our outrage. They want our anger. They want our derision. Let’s not give it to them. Whatever few undecided folks are still left need a clear choice between hope and love and hate and derision. It can’t be a choice between two sides that hate each other. That’s not really a choice at all. It must be a choice between community and love on one side and narcissism on the other.