Okay, Saturday Night Help
My last column at OutSmart before the election will be entitled, “Why Are Fire Ant Better Than Ted Cruz.” Help me get the juices flowing by making suggestions.
- Fire ants seem perfectly happy even if they haven’t taken away everybody’s health care.
- When fire ants read Green Eggs and Ham to the United States senate, they generally understand the moral underpinnings of the book.
- If you call a fire ant’s dad an assassin and their wife ugly, they will not kiss your ass any longer.
- In any contest between Ted Cruz and fire ants for having a sense of humor, fire ants win bigly.
- Same deal with sexiness.
- Fire ants embrace communal ownership of the means of production and reject the inherent oppression of capitalistic patriarchy.
- Fire-ant bites go away after a few weeks.
- Fire just bite you. They won’t bite you and then call you names for scratching.
- Somewhere someplace there is a fire ant that’s not a sumbitch. You will not find that on the Republican side of the senate.
Come on … help.
And don’t forget this.
You hear lying Ted, but you never hear Ants with Pants on Fire.
1A fire ant’s child will accept hugs from her.
2Fire ants would dare debate Beto in Spanish.
3Fire ants actually work for a living.
4When fire ants bite you, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as a Ted Cruz smile
5Fire ants don’t try to suck you “dry” after biting you.
Fire ants are better looking
Fire ants don’t discriminate – they bite anybody
6Fire ants work and cooperate with other fire ants. Last truthful thing said about Teddie Crooze was by Lindsey Graham: “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial is at the Senate, no one will convict you,” he said.
Playing nice with others … but no one wants to play with Teddie, including his wife and kids. http://gawker.com/watch-ted-cruz-s-daughter-literally-run-from-her-father-1773799772 Then there was the typical Teddie moment when he elbowed Heidi in the head as he rushed to hug his daddy.
7A fire ant wouldn’t be caught dead in a paisley bathrobe.
8Anyone with the sense God gave dumb animals would rather have an infestation of fire ants, than Ted Cruze in the area … or even in the same state.
Fire ants completely lack the capability for hypocrisy. While Rafael Cruz completely lacks the ability to NOT be hypocritical.
If I step on and kill some fire ants, I feel a little bit bad about it. But I keep hoping someone will step on Ted Cruz. [which is what JJ seems to have been doing in Austin today!]
9Deb beat me to it!
Fire Ants don’t know what “Lesser Ivies” mean.
10Fire ants only attack you when you disturb their homes.
11You can think of something positive about fire ants.
12“The Democrats, Cruz tells the crowd, want to turn Texas into California with their “tofu, silicon, and dyed hair.” ”
Isn’t this “warning” too late for at least the last two items.
Wouldn’t the banning of dyed hair would devastate the entire thuglican party starting with demented donnie and working down through gov. good hair and other thugs male and female.
The warning of silicon means either the thuglicans feel no need for computers or they are changing their mind about what makes an acceptable mistress and other woman.
Please forgive but wouldn’t the banning of dyed hair and silicon devastate the thuglicans woman’s auxiliary?
You’re probably safe from tofu.
13Fire ants are smarter than Ted.
14Fire ants invaded from Mexico. Oozy Croozy invaded from Canada.
Fire ants contribute to Texas in a more positive way than Oozy Croozy.
15Fire ants have an outer skeleton. Ted Cruz lacks a spine.
A fire ant’s nature is to live in the dirt. Ted Cruz’s nature is to throw dirt at his opponents.
Fire ants don’t know the meaning of the word “smarmy.” Ted Cruz is the epitome of the word “smarmy.”
16Surely there’s something out there that wants to eat fire ants.
17Fire ants will not burn down your country, figuratively or literally.
18Fire ants are perfectly happy eating bacon without the machine gun!
19Fire ants float.
We’re not sure about Ted Cruz, so we think we ought to toss him in a pond and find out.
Fire ants don’t smell like brimstone.
20To add on to Deb’s comment @8:
A fire ant wouldn’t (ahem) ‘cruz’ the dorm hallways in a paisley robe.
A fire ant doesn’t think he’s another Hefner, wouldn’t care to be one either.
21Fire ants help the environment; TC assaults the environment. Fire ants work for the common good of the colony even to the point of holding on to each other to form a kind of ‘ant raft’ to escape a flood; TC nixed helping after Hurricane Sandy in an everyone is on his own attitude. Fire ants were brought to the U.S. accidentally but lordy TC was brought here intentionally.
22Fire ants are cooperative and build their homes (colonies).
Like all the GOP, Cruz is about destruction– of government, mores, and our American way of life (unless you’re in the top 0.1%; then you’re OK in his book).
23Fire ants aren’t Ted Cruz.
24Fire ants don’t eat their own boogers.
25fire ants eat flea eggs – thus my dogs/cats are not itching and miserable
fire ants stay outside – they don’t invade the kitchen like sugar ants nor attack the electric lines like crazy strawberry ants
fire ants clean up the miscellaneous body parts that are left on the porch after my cat consumes a rodent
so as opposed to Rafael, fire ants do some good
26Fire ants don’t scare their own kids.
27Late to the party, so I missed my chance at the paisley robe bits.
28So I’ll go a different direction.
If a fire ant had what it took to get into Princeton and Harvard, then had a fairly stellar legal career including successful supreme court cases and recruiting the future chief justice of the supreme court to the W administration, I’m fairly certain he’d have enough snap to know that if you subject a lawyer who worked her way up to deputy Attorney General of the United States of America by prosecuting cases across multiple spectrums, to the sneering condescension that Ted Cruz did to Sally Yates, he’d have the expectation of having his ass handed to him by a lawyer who worked for a living.
But teddy was apparently absent the day they taught the difference between political law, and all the rest. And the former deputy Attorney General went toe to toe with Cruz. And when he finally delivered what he thought was his exquisitely crafted gotcha question, she eviscerated him. With one sentence.
Any self respecting fire ant woulda burrowed to the deepest part of the mound after that.
Teddy just went back to whatever moral hole he crawled out of and went back to his office.
Fire ant males are drones, lazy little guys whose only job is to mate with the Queen. After which they die.
29As demonstrated by many of the above comments, fire ants occupy their niche in the ecosystem in a useful and industrious fashion. (One thing unmentioned is that they can aerate extremely dense soils to a depth of 10 feet or so.) Ted Cruz, on the other hand, is a lazy, self serving waste of oxygen who provides no useful, artistic, or uplifting contribution to our colony. He should be shunned-in fact, he is so bad that the other useless gasbags in the Senate pretty much shun him, and it has been noted that his own kids don’t even want to hug him. Speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
30Pictures of fire ants trying to look sexy don’t make me gag.
31Tom Delay doesn’t support fire ants.
You can call an exterminator about fire ants any time – the chance to get rid of Ted Cruz only comes around every 6 years.
32No self-respecting fire ant would ever vote to confirm Koathanger Kavanaugh. What do you think Cruz will do?
33Fire ants work with others of their species; Ted Cruz doesn’t work with anyone.
Fire ants would die defending their families; Ted Cruz lets an enemy call his wife ugly and his father a murderer.
34You can step on a fire ant and kill it.
Fire ants don’t remind you of Eddie Muenster.
Even fire ants bite Donald Trump.
35JJ, the link won’t let me in. It seems they want me to send them $$ first.
36Maggie – it’s Rawstory so it should be free. Try again.
37It’s legal to poison fire ants. Cruz wants it to be legal to poison humans — destroy the EPA, roll back restrictions on coal fired plants, screw the folks whose water is full of lead, climate change — what climate change?
38You won’t find fire ants up Donald Trump’s butt.
39A good friend sent me this Cruz link, it’s worth a visit!
40https://www.tedcruzforhumanpresident.com/
Fire ants don’t run for President every 4 years
41Fire ants don’t have punchable faces.
42Deb:
43Thank you. That link was the bomb.com
Kudos, Sam in St. Paul @39.Brevity sure is the soul of wit.
44If only the ants could invade that territory, we wouldn’t need Mueller or Article 25.
Fire ants don’t think God is telling them to replace our democracy with an Iranian style theocracy.
45A Canadian-born fire ant named Rafael whose father immigrated into Canada from Communist Cuba would not call himself Ted and hate immigrants.
46Fire ants don’t tell a woman what she can and can’t do with her body.
47Fire ants are not piss ants; Ted Cruz is
48The very best……love all of you……I still think comedy will take down all these jerks….how long can someone last when huuuge groups of people are laughing at them…..
49