My last column at OutSmart before the election will be entitled, “Why Are Fire Ant Better Than Ted Cruz.”  Help me get the juices flowing by making suggestions.

1.  Fire ants seem perfectly happy even if they haven’t taken away everybody’s health care.
2. When fire ants read Green Eggs and Ham to the United States senate, they generally understand the moral underpinnings of the book.
3. If you call a fire ant’s dad an assassin  and their wife ugly, they will not kiss your ass any longer.
4. In any contest between Ted Cruz and fire ants for having a sense of humor, fire ants win bigly.
5. Same deal with sexiness.
6. Fire ants embrace communal ownership of the means of production and reject the inherent oppression of capitalistic patriarchy.
7. Fire-ant bites go away after a few weeks.
8. Fire just bite you.  They won’t bite you and then call you names for scratching.
9. Somewhere someplace there is a fire ant that’s not a sumbitch. You will not find that on the Republican side of the senate.

Come on … help.

And don’t forget this.