By Primo Encarnación

It is a well-known fact that I am going to hell. For many, MANY reasons, too numerous, salacious, embarrassing or obvious to mention, I’ve been headed there from an early age. Once, when I was in really big trouble with my mom, my cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, convinced me that “step on a crack” was a real thing, so I stomped on every one I could find between his house and mine.   By the time I got home, I had lost count (Chicago concrete contractors – go figure!) but I was certain she’d be flopping in spine-crushed agony on the floor. Much to my chagrin (and a little to my relief) she was hale, hearty and armed with a switch.

For willfully attempting to paralyze my mother, I’m going to hell. Let’s face it, God, unlike mom, does not mess around with instant karma. He bides his time, he gives you enough rope, and when the time comes…WHAM!  You sin, you pay!  Or, not?

Enter Michele Bachmann, erstwhile Congresswoman. Her concept of God’s justice is also transactional, but in her version, God doesn’t care much about collateral damage, nor relative degrees of guilt.   The right wing nut job God doesn’t blanch at wiping out the entire world in a flood on general principle. He doesn’t scruple at killing a few children in order to wipe out Sodomites and Gomorreans. Just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, associated with the wrong people, God will mess you UP!

Case in point: global warming, droughts, floods, famine, snow, hail, cyclones, sleet, deep cold, unremitting sun and all manner of meteorological disasters are going to hit ALL of us, plus we will lose all our money all due to a single cause: Obama!

(Everyone who saw that coming, raise your hands.)

It is a well-known fact that I’m going to hell, but now that Michele Bachmann has opened my eyes to the true theology of retribution, I’m happy to know that I’m taking you all there with me.

But I still get the front seat on the express train down!