Jeff Sessions. Remember That Guy?
Jeff Sessions of Aladamnbama, who was momentarily a progressive hero for recusing himself on the Russia investigation of Trump, is back praising Trump, running to get his old senate seat back, and has become a bad check magnet.
First of all, he’s praising Trump again. Sessions says he actually did Trump a favor by recusing himself because if he had not, the Democrats would have jumped all over it. He sent a letter to all Alabama voters talking about how wonderful Trump is and how he always supported Trump.
His opponent in the Republican primary run-off is a former Auburn football coach, Tommy Tuberville. Tuberville, for his part, is keeping the campaign on the high road with the issues taking the lead. According to Tuberville, the issues are … “It’s time we fire him [Sessions] once and for all! Help me send him a message today that we do not want a weak-kneed swamp rat representing Alabama.” Swamp rats are always a big issue in Alabama.
Trump has endorsed Tuberville, who has only lived in Alabama while he was coaching Auburn, who doesn’t know much about the state because he would have been fired if he thought about anything other than the Iron Bowl while he was coaching. However, he does appear to know his rats.
So, circling back around to Sessions. He’s trying like the dickens to raise money for this contest, but he’s run into a problem.
He got a letter from the FEC, asking why when Sessions filed the 48 “last minute” notices with the FEC, there were some contributors on the report who were not on the final report.
Sessions replied:
Listen-up. If you write a hot check down at Bob’s Taco Hut, he tapes it to the wall for all his customers to see. If you write one to a politician, its gets posted on public information.
What a damn mess. And if some guy gives you three hot checks in one damn day, you might want to give him a breathalyzer.
Thanks to Ethel from Alabama and Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.
“Instead of showing the bounced checks, I eliminated them completely from the filing. I am amending to show the contribution received and the subsequent check bouncing to eliminate the question…
As Per the ‘Accounting for Idiots’ manual.
Sincerely:
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions
1Let’s cut the poor Kebler elf some slack. While *I* never would do such a thing, back in the 80s some friends of mine discovered that they could print up fake check forms, and use them to contribute to various politicians. Some of the names signed on those “checks”:
J. Goebbels
T.E. Rabbit
J. Djugashvili
Jerome Lester Horwitz
M. G. Krebs
Klem Kadiddlehopper
Now that I think about it, I’d also like to see who floated the hot ones to Jeffy boy. Maybe my friends have fired up the printer and are up to their old tricks.
2Make the amount, “Thoughts and prayers.”
3They bounced because they were denominated in Confederate dollars.
4I have family in Alabama and justhte other day we had a Zoomfest that made me want to live rather than crawling into a hole until all of this is over. Family is not at all interested in voting for Session or Tuberville. Staying alive is job No. 1.
5