It’s A Drinking Game, Of Course. How Else Could You Watch This Crap?
Da Chipster! (with additions by Barb in DC and TexasEllen)
The 40th Republican National Convention is nearly upon us, four whole days of angry white villagers in funny hats holding a pep rally to elect the most regressive ticket since Strom Thurmond/Fielding White in 19 and 48. Their snarky theme will be “why, yes, I DID build this by myself,” but in a spectacular display of unintentional irony theatre, they’ll be holding it in an arena built with GOBS of government gilt.
So, if spending the week before Labor Day weekend contemplating the potential Presidency of a guy who never labored a day in his life is enough to drive you to drink… well, then, you might as well do it up right.
Try my RNC drinking game.
First, a couple of house rules: if you are watching network coverage, which is shorter, it’s preferred to use hard liquor shots. If you are watching extended coverage and/or have future plans for your liver, shots of beer or wine are acceptable.
The order of drinking begins clockwise, but can change direction.
If you point at someone you must use your elbow, unless they are a Romney supporter, in which case you may also use your ass – they don’t know the difference.
If you miss your turn and get called on it, double the drink penalty, unless you immediately blame the lamestream liberal media for your gaffe.
If they tout Mitt as a “job creator” – drink one shot.
If they show a token minority – drink one.
If they show the same token again – drink two.
Basic hypocritical statement – drink one.
If they show Ann – drink two, one for each Cadillac.
If they blame Democrats/Obama for something that is the Republicans’ fault – choose someone else to drink.
If they push a position that Mitt has flipflopped on – CHANGE DIRECTION.
If they mention the 2002 Winter Olympics – drink in a luge position on the coffee table.
If they mention Massachusetts – yell “NORM!” and drink.
If they mention Bain – claim to have had a drink retroactively.
If they mention Ronald Reagan – drink.
If they mention Dubya – FREE PASS.
Seeing this guy, who appears at every GOP convention because he’s the only black guy ever there, two drinks and a “Lookie, Mabel, there’s that black guy again!”
Your rules can vary, but the result should be the same: a rip-roaring drunk, followed by a Technicolor yawn of Niagara proportion, followed by a passed-out face-plant into a bowl of Cheeto dust, followed by a hangover so bad it sets off alarms at the CDC.
Which is pretty much how I’d spend every night of Romney’s putative putrescent Presidency.
For safety, sobriety and sanity sake, you can add cup of coffee for every favorable comment about Barack Obama. Also, glass of V8 for any praise of Michelle Obama. Don’t bother to brew that coffee until the opportunity is presented.
“Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.”
1OMG, I’m gonna be hanging naked from the rafters after the first 30 minutes. Great job chipster.
2I’m thinking I may have to take up drinking again … dang! I don’t think I can handle watching any of the RNC business … it just makes me so angry … well, you all understand!
3I don’t have a TV and my net connection is far too slow for streaming. That means I won’t be seeing any coverage of the Gropping ol’ Perverts fun fest so will not be able to play the drinking game. Just as well. I would have to take out a third mortgage at the CU to pay for the booze!
4On the other hand, I can just grab a beer, stare at my dead teevee that the lightning strike took out three years ago and that I still haven’t replaced (yeah, that’s how much I watch the stink-box) depend on my imagination (or just make sh*t up…why not, *they* do?!), and get mildly buzzed. Sounds good to me!
Come next week, though, I probably am going to have to break down and buy another little teevee so I can watch the DNC. Trying to pry the remote for the big set out of the hands of the Hubba while he’s trying to watch Wrestling is just beyond my strength nowadays. Dang, that man can hold on!
5And the other black guy, Michael Steele wasn’t even invited.
GW wasn’t invited either.
My son said that they would play the same game during a w speech. They would pick a repetitive word and a mispronounced word.
6Never did it any other place but the dorm cause they would get very drunk!!!!
Being as hangovers are much more serious than they used to be, I think I’ll just get the comments second hand from all my favorite bloggers and news people. (I don’t have television anyway, but I could find a way if I really wanted to.)
7I so stole that game, Chip. We’re thinking a three day, round robin with singles, teams and mixed doubles competitions.
8Lynne, no kidding – I cain’t drink like I did when I was a young whippersnapper. The amount of booze in this game would cause me to miss three days of work where back in the day I’d just drink a glass of water and go to class.
9On a side note, I taught Bob Newhart the drinking game associated with the Bob Newhart Show. True story.
10I don;t drink alcohol so I’m going with mango juice. I may be the same shade of orange as Bonehead by Friday.
11If you play the game, please do it at home or at the house of a friend who has a bed for you.
I’ll pass on playing as a shot or two would put me on my azz (sorry, Mama). Plus, I’ve decided not to watch this clown rodeo.
12My only question is, where do I sign up for the new liver I’m going to need after this “game”?
13May I respectfully suggest an additional drinking option? One drink for every time they invoke God or Jesus. Double this if they indicate that either the Father or the Son are on their side!
And in semi related news:
“Pat Robertson’s CBN suggests God moved hurricane to protect Republicans”
That’s enough to read about it, really. But here’s the link –
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/08/27/pat-robertsons-cbn-suggests-god-moved-hurricane-to-protect-republicans/
And all this time I thought God’s timing the hurricane to coincide with both the ReThug Convention and Katrina was nothing short of divine providence. Just not quite the way Patty Boy sees it.
Seriously daChipster Newhart – I am in awe!
14On a side note, I taught Bob Newhart the drinking game associated with the Bob Newhart Show. True story
If that’s a true statement Mr. DaChipster, I’m buying the next round. What the hell, I’ll pony up for the whole night. That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week.
15Beezley, it was 1981 and a bunch of Catholic entertainers were filming segments about the Rosary, including Bob Newhart. He came to Notre Dame where a young, devout daChipster was in the seond row for the show.
Before taping, Bob was warming up the audience and asked if anyone had any questions. Ever the shrinking violet without a shred of humor, I barely managed to whisper my quety:
“Hey, Bob, did you ever play the Bob Newhart drinking game?”
When I told him the details, he laughed his butt off.
Beelzebub, make mine Glenmorangie on the rocks! Keep ’em comin!
16Chip, that makes me wish I could drink worth a damn. Outstanding work there, fella. (Nice choice of single malt, there, too. Nice and smooth, not too peaty, hint of vanilla. Good call.)
17Horseradish vodka for me. For those of us with central and east European roots (small pun on fresh horseradish root). Home infusion. Bliss.
18The film and tv teacher in me feels required to share this in honor of daChipser:
Over the course of the series, the phrase, “Hi, Bob” was said 256 times. Howard Borden (Bill Daily) said it a total of 118 times. Dr. Jerry Robinson (Peter Bonerz) logged 43. Carol Kester (Marcia Wallace): 36 times and Emily Hartley (Suzanne Pleshette): 17 times. Minor characters or guest stars said it 43 times, and Bob Hartley (Bob Newhart) even said it once himself.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068049/trivia?tab=tr&item=tr0641208
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