Inaugural, Trump’s draft
You’re all probably right: he’s not going to use my version. Turn’s out he’s been writing his own.
D.O.N.A.L. Squirrel! Eagle! This is hard!
What we can see of the page is blank. Empty. And he’s curled it to hide the emptiness beneath, much like he does his hair. So, anyway, we can extrapolate from what we can see to this finished draft:
My fellow Americans,
They said it would never happen but, huh? How about this? Pretty amazing, huh? You did it. You did it. You’re making America Great Again.
They said it would never happen. They said. They said I’d never get the nomination, but I beat 17 other guys to get here. And gals. Let’s not forget the gals. Many people asked me, why do they say this? You are awesome. Why do they say such terrible, terrible things about you? I don’t know, but the voters, they knew it wasn’t true. It was all fake news about everything.
And they said oh, Hillary is so much more qualified. Well, the voters, they know crooked when they see it. If you’re crooked, who cares about quality? Right? (Pause for “lock her up” chant) Right. Right. Well, we’ll see what Congress can do. We’ll see. A lot of investigating. There’s a lot of investigating coming.
Wow, what a great crowd. Like my historic landslide, this is a historic crowd. More people, more people are coming to Washington today than any time, for anything, ever. Million Man March? It wasn’t even a real million. It wasn’t even… this, this is a million man march right here. And gals. Can’t forget about you gals, too. They’re having a women’s march over there, but all the women marched over here, to Trump.
They always do. They always do. They always march back. Those lawsuits. Forget it. Gloria Allred and those lyin’ California liberals, it’s all the same. Don’t believe them, folks, YOU are the real Americans, am I right? How does THAT grab ya?
So things are gonna change now, people. They’re gonna change. The intelligence, who needs that? They have been trying to bring me down. Trying to spread fake news. Leaking. All the leaking. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting. So no intelligence in this White House, not one of them. Only General Flynn… is he a great general or what? He is head of my intelligence. The CIA (pause for boos) the FBI (pause for more boos) they tried to stop Trump, they tried to stop you from having me. I guess we showed them.
And they ain’t seen nothin’ yet, believe me. (Pause for nazi salutes)
So I will talk to world leaders, I will negotiate with them and I can tell when they are lying to me. They will find out who the super power is. Trump, that’s who. I will make great deals for you. not for me, bel;ieve me though, because I have left all my businesses in the blind trust with my sons, who are excellent business men.
How about Mike Pence, is he great or what. Stand up, stand, Mike, stand up and there he is folks. Already the best vice president ever. EVER. Even the lyin’ press has to say Trump, he picks great people. Great Vice President, the greatest, so I think we’ll keep him there, right? I hope so. I hope so.
He’s gonna do great things. We’re gonna do great things. We’re gonna make America GREAT again!
And we’re gonna build the wall. It’s a done deal, folks. As soon as Congress passes the bill, and they will pass them. Every bill I want. But the Great Wall will be built, the greatest. Forget China. They’re the worst. And that wall! It’s falling down, it’s a wreck. We’re gonna build a Greater Wall, and who’s gonna pay for it? After you, pay for it, who are we gonna bill? That’s right. Mexico. And Mexico’s gonna pay. Believe me.
Are you tired of winning yet? Are you ready to go party and then Make America Great Again? All right! We’re gonna do it. We’re gonna get going. But first, here’s a special guest, is.. is it working? Is it.. there he is! Here’s a special guest to talk to you. Here’s a brief word from our sponsor:
Vladimir, say hello to America.
приветствие America! See you soon.
That was scary dead on.
1Want to know who is directing the SOB-elect in building his cabinet … read this!! And be even more scared!!
http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/1/17/1621714/-Guess-Who-s-Been-Advising-Trump?detail=facebook
2The big question is whether Vlad’s people translated it before they sent it to Donny or did he use Melanoma to translate it?
3Donnie is easy to parody– well, easy to imitate, which is itself a parody. I can tell it’s Trumpspeak when I can feel my brain turning to mush and starting to dribble out my ears.
Wonder how it sounds in the original Russian.
Last two lines sad but true.
4Not blank paper- here’s what it says
5https://twitter.com/KaraCalavera/status/821822794115727360
Sorry…need a program. DONAL? squirrel? eagle?
6Wow Primo, I hope the discombobulation chamber process after your harrowing mind-meld with SOBOTUS-elect was successful, and left no drainbamage.
7DatGuy is notoriously illiterate and/or ADHD, so: 1) he is slowly spelling his own name out 2) he is distracted like a dog 3) he is redistracted by that statue 4) writing speeches is therefore hard for whiny manbaby.
8Very good Primo, but I do have one minor quibble- Too much “we” and not enough “I.” Especially, where’s the “I alone can fix it”? Other than that, it’s a work of art, as opposed to the verbal diarrhea that will dribble out of that hole in middle of his face.
9Rhea is right, it is easy to copy, but it’s like my Spanish. My accent is okay from hearing my family, but I think in English then translate anything harder than restaurant orders and cab directions. With Dis Guy, it’s easier to slip into due to the limited vocabulary and well-documented verbal tics. But improvising a controlled version of his stream of subconsciousness could easily result in 5000 words of ellipses and solipsisms and open ended parentheticals and semantic death spirals instead of the approx 500 I have here.
Thus, Sandridge is right, too: it’s hard to pull out of.
Rhea is also too right about this: political satire is dead for awhile. While it’s unlikely that DisGuy will admit to anything, anything I could invent has too high a likelihood to actually be true to be really funny.
It’s not very funny at all but I laugh so as not to cry. I promise I’ll limit aping the orange-utang and such monkeyshines to major addresses.
Well, I’ll try. I may have to get them in sooner after the first round of indictments.
10I don’t know if his brain has seized up or some other part of his anatomy but he looks constipated.
11Allow me to acquire my Kellyanne persona… hold on……
Oh, Primo! Yes!! Muuuch better than that draft you sent me before. This shows his heart. The people will love this. Be close at hand. There may be a few tweeks. Also, what will you require to swear you had nothing to do with this and it was all Big Boy’s work? I hear Davos is lovely this time of year. Tap me back. Smooches!
….. okay, I’m back. What did I say? YIKES!
12Fool that I am, I am hoping that Brennan has the CIA working overtime to corroborate the dossier and lots more. I fantasize that they come to arrest him up at the podium as he attempts to give the above speech, handcuffs and all. Oh and Pence is arrested too. Heck, let’s throw Ryan, Priebus, Giuliani, Flynn and the whole inner circle in too.
13I wonder if he will hold his Presidential oath as sacred as he has his marriage vows.
14Sometimes Borowitz gets it exactly right:
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/moving-vans-arrive-at-white-house-to-remove-all-traces-of-competence-dignity?mbid=nl_011817%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20(1)&CNDID=24472076&spMailingID=10253716&spUserID=MTMzMTgyNTA5ODgwS0&spJobID=1081486665&spReportId=MTA4MTQ4NjY2NQS2
15Marcia in Co: Thanks for that link. I’d like to hope that it’s either fake news in the opposite direction, or at least greatly exaggerated. Unfortunately, him being Betsy Devos’s brother sure makes it look like Donnie’s listening. I strongly urge anyone who hasn’t read the book “Blackwater” to do so to get an idea of who might have Donnie’s ear. He’s the ultimate privatizer.
16Anyone worried about that Sid fellow becoming Ag Sec can breathe a sigh of relief… sort of. NBC is reporting that it’s gonna be Sonny Perdue of Georgia. Seems he was the head of the Trumpsky Transition Ag Advisory Committee, & in an unpleasant echo of Darth Cheney, he picked himself. Must have figured it was worth a try; worked once, right? Heh.
17Patrons patrons patrons. Yall are all over-thinking this. Hair Drumpf will “give” the inaugural all right. But he won’t read it to the assembled mouth-breathers. Oh no. He’ll tweet it. 140 characters at a time. Good luck.
18One of the best reasons why I will be out of town tomorrow!
Alas! I must also press the customers at the worlds most dangerous beauty salon for a huge favor which I know is possible: my husband died from cancer. I have a friend who is a melanoma survivor. She is constantly being reviewed for any sign of a relapse. Would it be possible to express your feelings about Mrs. Trump some other way? Conflating her name into a disease that can kill just doesn’t seem like the real “us”.
19Merci and gracias.
Maggie – I suppose you’re right. While I’ve tended to prefer to refer to her as “Melancholia” (in the context of how all this makes me feel) I’ll readily admit that’s not much (if any) better. I realize I probably shouldn’t lash out at her merely for her abysmal taste in primates. Everything lately just seems to make me so… sad. And angry. Sigh.
I apologize for the insensitivity. We should all know better. FWIW, like many of us, cancer also runs in my family (caused or contributed to the deaths of both my parents, among others). I’m very sorry for your loss. Cancer sucks. Huge congratulations to your friend for pulling through it.
20Pretzel, thanks for your response. It helps.
Have to admit though that you gave me a huge start when you tabbed Sonny Perdue as the chair of of Trump’s Agricultural and Rural Advisory Committee. My office has been dealing with Charles W. Herbster as the chair of Trump’s Agricultural and Rural Advisory Committee. He’s an old bud of Herr Hair and approached hi with the idea of the committee so naturally the orange one automatically dubbed him chair. He likes to keep things simple (“shreik”)!
21P.P. … more on Erik Prince and his involvement with Trump and the election and this is also from Daily Kos:
Former Blackwater CEO Erik Prince recently got back in the news when it emerged that he’s serving as an informal adviser to Trump. That’s not the only time he’s offered his services to the Donald. He played a key role in a conspiracy by rogue FBI agents to throw the election to Trump.
Late last night, HuffPo columnist Seth Abramson discovered that Prince gave a rather interesting interview to Breitbart News Daily on November 4—less than 24 hours before Comey announced there was no there there in the new emails. Prince claimed that the FBI’s hand was forced by hopping mad NYPD detectives investigating Anthony Weiner. Supposedly, they found “State Department emails” and evidence of a trove of criminal activity involving the Clintons and other prominent Democrats. Click over to my piece at Liberal America to hear it—but be sure you’re sitting down. After all, this is Breitbart—or rather, Trumpbart—we’re talking about.
According to this narrative the NYPD gave the FBI an ultimatum—reopen the investigation, or we will hold a press conference to announce a ton of arrests. Supposedly, this “pushed the FBI off their chairs,” prompting Comey’s now-infamous letter.
Two big problems. First, we know that the warrant contained no such thing. Rather, its sole “probable cause” was a possible email exchange between Hillary and Huma Abedin. On that basis, a number of legal experts have condemned it as hackery at best and a Fourth Amendment violation at worst.
More seriously, Prince openly admitted that he knew about the emails before Comey did. For those of you keeping score, that makes THREE close confidants to Trump who knew about the emails in the three weeks between when they were found and when Comey was finally notified. The other two? Rudy Giuliani and Jim Kallstrom, both of whom were in contact with active agents during the investigation.
And all three of them knew damn well what they were doing when they made those leaks. Remember, Giuliani is a former U. S. Attorney, and before then headed the DOJ’s criminal division. Kallstrom is the former head of the FBI in New York City. Prince was a major government contractor during his tenure at Blackwater. If this isn’t evidence that this election was tainted by criminal misconduct, what is?
Abramson muses that Giuliani revealed his contacts with FBI agents on orders from Trump, while Prince did so on orders from either Steve Bannon or Trump. I haven’t seen anything to suggest–yet—that Trump was directly involved. After all, you’re talking about a couple of guys who are known to be cowboys. The fact that Prince went on Breitbart, though, makes you wonder if Bannon was in some way involved.
He also muses that Prince’s adviser role, as well as the choice of his sister, Betsy DeVos, as Education Secretary, are rewards for a job (criminally) well done. That’s a bit of a stretch. It’s very likely that DeVos is part of the massive debt Trump owes to the fundies, while Prince simply bought his post.
What is clear beyond any doubt is that, at the very least, Trump fostered an environment in which this was even remotely acceptable. Ironic, since Chris Christie lost out on the VP slot under similar circumstances. What is also clear is that Abramson wasn’t kidding when he called this potentially worse than Watergate.
22Twitter has been savaging the tweet of that goofy photo. The snark is especially biting and extremely well deserved. I wonder if the Toddler has any clue of how thoroughly contemptible most Americans find him? I doubt it. He probably only reads laudatory stuff, ie. Fake News.
23Maggie: Thank you for your comment. Just so you know, the new moniker trending is Megalomania. Seems more appropo, no?
24Primo channels Comrad Crump pretty well, doesn’t he?
25Do they even make crayons small enough for those tiny fingers?
Or that tiny mind?
26This is a collection of inaugural cartoons from around the world. In a nutshell, they agree with us.
https://goo.gl/KlK14s
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