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Well, change the vacation plans – Juanita cannot go to the vacation paradise of Utah this year.

In a major crackdown on prostitution a new law has made it illegal for people to touch themselves in a lewd way.

Two escort services in Utah have filed a lawsuit to try to stop the solicitation law, claiming strippers or escorts could be arrested just for acting sexy.

You can be arrested for acting sexy in Utah?  Is there any other way to act in Utah?

Look, let’s be honest, Thelma, who is 259 pounds and diets furiously to keep it under 260, has to touch herself in a way some might find lewd just to keep her leopard print spandex pedal pushers up.  And you gotta remember, Thelma wears open toed, sling back, do me like a dog pumps every day of her life.

Then there’s —-

The expanded law includes language that states that a person exposing their genitals or touching themselves sexually is an indication that they are offering sex.

Mr McCullough said: ‘Most girls who touch their breasts are not telling you they’re open for sex.’

So, how the heck are we supposed to keep our bra straps up?  Answer me that, Utah.

Under this law, you cannot have professional baseball games in Utah.  Think about it.  Have you ever been to a baseball game where at least one guy comes to bat making, errr … costume adjustments?  Heck, that’s the only reason most women even go to baseball games.

“Look,” commented Juanita on hearing the news.  “I certainly do not mean to be tacky, but take a gander at the woman who sponsored the anti-lewd touching, looking sexy law.  There’s a woman who needs some Thelma pants real bad.”

Verdelia jumps in, “Why, Honey, I think she ‘s trying to look like the librarian in every porn movie ever made.  Uh, not, of course, that I’ve ever seen a porn movie.”

“Of course,” everyone responded.

(Just a note to everyone headed to the comment section.  I understand that I’m skirting real close to the Momma line.  Be careful not to cross it.  She has a new bar of soap.”