It’s time to play everybody’s favorite game show, Good Guy With a Gun, starring ME, Tio Primo. Let’s go to our first round:

You come upon a couple fighting, and the man fires a gun twice into the ground, wounding his wife’s ankle, and then gets in his truck to leave. You are an ex-Marine who owns a crossfit gym named for a kill zone, “Crossfit Abattoir” (catchy!). Contestant 1: What do you do?

“Well, Tio Primo, I’d try to note his license plate, and call 911.”

Interesting, but moronic. Contestant 2, what would you do?

“Tio, I’d call 911 AND assist the woman writhing in pain grabbing her bleeding ankle.”

I’m sorry, you’re BOTH morons! The name of the game is “Good Guy With a Gun,” and neither of you used “gun” in your answer.

The correct answer is: “Step over the bleeding woman, go to your good guy car, get your good guy gun, stop the armed assailant from fleeing/de-escalating the situation, then have him exit the vehicle, slap the gun from your good guy hand, and shoot you in your good guy head, to death, while someone weaker calls 911, for a meat wagon to scrape up your dead good guy ass.”

THAT’S a winner!

I swear, people, if you’ve heard me say it once, you’ve heard me say it 357 times: people who buy guns “for protection” just CANNOT WAIT to use them on somebody, especially someone with different melanin levels. I have trouble feeling sorry for either of them, and I’m glad they both won’t ever be packing again.

Update: fixed link – soooorry!