In a Relationship With: “the poorly educated”

My name is Dunning J Kruger, and I’m running for President.

I don’t really know what goes into being a President, except I’m pretty sure that everyone has to do everything you say, sort of like when you have a lot of money, but with the Army, the Secret Service and the Department of Justice to really make it stick. And I have a LOT of money. Trust me. More money than God, Who actually owes me 10 bucks.

I’m not sure how science works, except that there’s no such thing as climate change. I used to pretend there was a such thing as climate change because I wanted people to like me. I have since learned that more people will like me if I pretend the opposite. I have no dog in this hunt, except if it’s a conspiracy theory, it must be true, as far as you know.

As a strong man – the strongest really, I assure you that I used to bend the steel into shape with my bare hands – alright? – to make the tallest buildings in the world, every tallest building, which I would then leap in a single bound – and believe me you can’t do THAT with small fingers, trust me, these fingers are so huge that if I shook someone’s hand, which I don’t because I’m not germ-o-phobic, it’s just not a good idea to let a lot of god-knows-who who have had their fingers in… wherever touch someone as important to the history of the world because – strong fingers! I also have the most parenthetical speaking style of anyone ever, but I’m so awesome I never need to come to an actual point, or complete an actual sentence that… where was I?

Sorry, normally some sub-human Other non-American usually protests at this point and I can use that to change topics without warning and urge violence from other people, true Americans, not myself, so that I appear strong… THAT’S IT! As I was saying, as a strong man, I recognize that the head of a strong country must be strong so that other strong men can strongly admire his strongness. Women too, oh yes, plenty of women admirers. So Putin, Gaddafi, Khadafi, Qadafi, all the -dafis, really, Kim Che Jong and the Jongettes, Saddam, Mussolini and Not Hitler, no not him in the least (wink) – they all would admire me if they weren’t dead, or if the press didn’t keep quoting me verbatim.

The Press! Don’t get me started. Who ever heard of freedom of the press being so abused as to accurately report what I’ve said and done? Who you gonna believe: me? Or your lying eyes, ears and media?

The whole making money thing escapes me. But that hasn’t stopped me from making a lot of money, so much so that if I had just taken my money and put it into a 401k, I’d be richer than I claim to be, which is at least 10, maybe 100, times more than I actually have, which shows how wonderful a businessman I am, because I believe it to be so. I’ve consulted with the greatest economic minds I know – mine – and they all agree with me. So do my kids, and anyone else who depends on me not to fire them.

I will do the same thing for America I’ve done for myself. That deficit? It will be gone the first day, because the IRS will be gone the first hour and if there’s no IRS, who’s gonna be around to contradict whether there is a deficit or not? Am I right? Of course I’m right! So that’s why I will never release my tax returns, because as soon as I am elected, the need for them will go away. They will be as extinct as the dinosaurs, which apparently drowned in a Flood. My hot, hot preacher lady tells me so. I have the hottest women in every position. Believe me. Every. Position.

Finally, let’s talk about bending the course of mighty rivers, by which I mean the Rio Grande which, by the time I’m done with it, it will be the Rio Venti – extra extra large, with a YUGE pile of bricks, mortar, razor wire, cameras, dogs, guns, and real Americans on top, in order to keep out everything from Mexico except for Trump Kruger-branded merchandise. In fact, in order to lower the cost (to me) but not the price(to you) of all Kruger Presidential merchandise, I will ship as many extra workers to Mexico as I possibly can on day two, as soon as I can divert enough cattle cars. That’s how we make America great again! Cheap foreign slave labor, protective tariffs and more guns.

So vote for Dunning J Kruger for President. If you’re too dumb to know you’re dumb, you’re just dumb enough for me!