Good Ole Mitch McConnell.  He’s decided that the last thing Republicans should talk about is Republicans.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is urging Republican delegates to focus on a single politician: Barack Obama.

McConnell focused nearly all of his speech during Saturday’s Kentucky Republican Convention on opposing the outgoing Democratic president. Not mentioned were any of the potential Republican alternatives, who are embroiled in a nasty fight over delegates heading into a possible chaotic national convention this summer.

Well, the way I see it, there’s a loophole in that reasoning.  Can you figure it out?

Look, I can’t blame McConnell.  In fact, Republicans are the last thing I wanna talk about, too.

Okay, there is a woman in Indiana who is convinced that Jesus is inside her uterus.  She has photographic proof.

According to Meyer, she didn’t notice the holy apparition until a friend pointed it out when she showed it off at her baby shower.

“She said, ‘Do you see this, it looks like Jesus,” Meyer recalled.

Meyer said, after blowing up the picture, more details became apparent.

“You can see the hair and his legs crossed and everything,” said Meyer.

Had this woman lived in Texas, her ultrasound would have shown Republican members of the State Legislature inside her uterus, where they have been trying to get for several years now.

It would look something like this one —

Thanks to Bryan for the heads up.

I was present in the courtroom for the Tom DeLay punishment phase of his trial.  The only character witness he had was Dennis Hastert, which seems ironic now, right?

Well, Tom returned the favor and testified as to Hartert being a fine Christian man who prayed alone with Tom and one minister every week and they were intimate.

According to Tom, if you love the Lord, you’re a good man no matter what you do.  Saying that you love the Lord, even when you don’t, counts, too.

DeLay’s crook to crook letter.

Other congressmen also sent letters supportive of Hastert.  They argue that he is old and sick so we should show mercy to him.  Yep, the same guys who voted to impeach Bill Clinton think Dennis Hartert is a good man.

As you have heard by now, Texas Republicans want to vote on a resolution at their convention in June that says Texas ought to bygawd secede from the United Damn States of America.

I am here to tell you that the Republican National convention is gonna be hotter than a hoochy-koochy dancer on Saturday night in a Del Rio.  You should be able to fry bacon on the heads of three-fourths of the delegates.

My position is that we ought to let them secede … and move to Utah and start themselves another of those church things.  You know, where the intermarry and never get elected President.

One of my paying jobs this month was to talk about the Texas GOP convention.

Enjoy!

Uh, y’all, he’s talking about me.

Louie has it all figured out.  He got on the electric radio and announced that “a lot of the hippies and the troublemakers from the ‘60s and the early ‘70s” figured out that instead of “blowing up the Pentagon or blowing up police cars,” they could become teachers at the university level and then “teach the teachers” to teach our kids.  And that’s how we got socialism in America.

https://soundcloud.com/rightwingwatch/gohmert-the-hippies-and-the-troublemakers-are-taking-over

Thanks to Monty for the heads up.

Take a look at this list of famous (and not-so-famous) Americans, and tell me what they have in common (in historical chronological order): Pocahontas, George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, John Marshall, Stephen Decatur, Andrew Jackson, James Garfield, Hugh McCulloch, Daniel Manning and Grover Cleveland.

Give up? Discounting the allegorical figures of “Goddess Victory” and “Lady Liberty,” Pocahontas is the only actual woman to be honored, as these men listed were also honored, by a portrait on a $20 note of US currency.  Actually, the 1840 painting of her baptism, with her future husband looking on, was featured on the 1865 bill, so it was more a triumph of white Christian paternalism over “red” “heathen” womanhood, rather than a celebration of her life.

Pocahontas gets “white-washed” – click to bigify

The Moses of her People, Harriet Tubman: Slave, Scout, Spy, Badass

Andrew Jackson on the front, with the White House on the back, has been the design of the $20 bill since the 1920s.

But now, thanks to the miracle of modern historical research, combined with a surprising resurgence of popularity for Alexander Hamilton on the $10 (thanks to a popular and ungodly-expensive-to-get-into Broadway musical), further combined with a healthy dose of “it’s about freakin’ time!” Harriet Tubman is going to replace the misogynistic, racist, genocidal, cranky, touchy, feudy 7th President as the note of choice in every ATM in America.

I think they ought to use this picture.